Our 1st Year without you!

It is hard to believe that a year ago today we were saying goodbye to Eric forever. I often wondered how I would survive without him at my side, I mean I knew this day would come and I really was not sure how I was going to manage life without my soul mate. As I reflect on this last year I am thankful that not only did I survive but I grew and have become a new me. I have only Eric to thank for that even through he is not here I am who I am today because of him. All though his life and illness he had a unwavering zest for life, a positive attitude, a smile, a faith in God and a "it is what is is attitude". I was able to grow with him from a young age and learn to have some of these same traits. It is because of his attitude about life and death that I am surviving today and to that I am thankful.

This year has brought it's ups and downs which was to be expected. We had a lot of firsts and we did new things to create new traditions. There were times when I thought the pain in my heart would never stop aching and then there were times when I felt a relief of this pain and wondered how could this be? Many times though out the year I thought wow I can't believe this is my life, how could this happen to me, what should I do now? But with the words I know Eric would be saying I was able to get though each minute, hour, day and now weeks with a positive attitude and a strength I never knew I had. I know that this grieving process is a roller coaster of emotions and I will continue to have my ups and downs but I know now that I can survive, I can get through and I can do anything.

I know that losing my soulmate was something that I never imigined would happen but I am so thankful that I had the opportunity to know that kind of love, to share in something so special, something that many people never find in a lifetime. I am lucky to have friends and family who have been here each step of the way and will continue to walk this unknown journey with me supporting me and helping me get through each day, week, month and now years. I am thankful to have made new friends who are willing to walk with me even with the sadness that may pop up now and again. I am thankful that even though I have had this devastation in my life I have been able to put some of the pieces of my life back and will continue to grow though this loss.

To Eric, I will always love you and can never thank you enough for being you and helping me become me. You were truly a blessing in so many lives and made a difference each and everyday. You are missed more than words can say but because of your strength and faith we are making the most of each day and will continue to live by your example.

Love,

Hallie

Getting Though!

Well I am officially on the count down to that horrid day, while most people are counting down to Christmas my countdown is a bitter sweet countdown. I mean Hunter and I seem to had made it almost to the year and we seem to be moving forward in a positive direction. On the other hand I can hardly believe it has been a year since Eric died. The year has gone by so fast and so much has happened. Holiday's, vacations, baby's have been born, birthday's and much more, it seems as life continues to go on whether or not you are wanting it to. So as I prepare myself for the approaching holidays and the anniversary I am going to continue to look for strength in God and pray that the next 2 weeks will go by as fast as the rest of the year.

Matthew 6:34

"So do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will bring it's own worries. Today's troubles is enough for today"

Love,

Hallie

Disneyland......another 1st....

Well today Hunter and I went to Disneyland with some friends, another 1st without Eric. It was the 1st time we have gone without Eric, we used to go all the time. Last year in November we went and spent a few days while Eric was still able, he always wanted to stay at the Grand Californian so we made a big deal of our trip. It was his last vacation and ours with him. The memories were great and I am so glad that we had the opportunity to make such great memories. Today's trip was also wonderful spending the day with Hunter and friends but it was hard not to think about all the good times we had spent there as a family. It seems that no matter where we turned I remembered something about us as a family and the fun we always had while there. It was a difficult day but at the same time I was happy to be spending the day with Hunter and watching the joy in his eyes. Another turning point for us, doing things as a family, our new family. As I watched the fireworks I wondered if Eric was watching from above and if they looked the same for him or if there were even more spectacular from Heaven. Funny how my thoughts on the fireworks were so different than before, I guess that happens alot when I do things for the 1st time. I am happy that I was able to get though another 1st and maybe the next trip to Disneyland will be even better and easier.

Hockey and the Holiday's

Today I went to my first hockey game without Eric, those you who have known us know that this was something Eric and I loved to do. Before Hunter was born and before we moved we had a mini plan and went to many hockey games. We both loved the game and loved sharing it together. We loved it so much that we decided that Hunter was going to be a hockey player, even his nursery was all hockey. Then Hunter decided that he loved baseball, we moved to Temecula and are lives got busy so hockey was put on the back burner. It was great going to the game, not sad, I remembered all the good times we had and it brought back good memories. It was a first that was not bad at all and I am looking forward to going to more games and enjoying this sport with Hunter, yes he likes it too!

Well that brings me to the holiday part.....As Thanksgiving approaches I wonder how it will be for the next 5 weeks. Everybody is concerned about us, well I am concerned about us too. Hunter seems to be moving though the thought of the season as he always did, making his list, excited to be with family and of course time off from school. I on the other hand wonder how I can listen to Christmas music, shop, decorate the house and honestly deal with the family. I also know that I am approaching the one year mark, another year older and my 1st year without Eric. I know that in the end we will all be fine some times will be difficult and other times will not. Like the rest of the year we will just get though and continue moving forward. I wonder as the years pass will I ever have a different attitude? I hope that I will but for now I will do my best to make sure Hunter is happy and I will try to just get though the season with as much grace as possible. I thank all of you in advance for your support, prayers and love....without it we would be lost.

Love,

Hallie

Life's Purpose....

Courage, integrity, honor, loyalty, brave, happy, and a great sense of humor were just a few of the words that described Ryan Bonaminio, a riverside police officer killed in the line of duty. He would have been 29 on Thanksgiving another young person taken from this world at such a young age. I did not know this young man but felt that I needed to be at his service to show my support and for my own personal reasons. It was an amazing service, so much love and even though he only lived a short time here on earth he truly made a mark in this world and the people who knew him were blessed.

As I reflect on his life and that of my own husband I think of the words Eric would all to often say "We are here for a purpose greater than who we are....once we achieve our purpose it is time to go home to God." A similar statement was also made today at Ryan's service. Some of us will never know why we are here or what are purpose is but to live your lives to the fullest potential and contribute something positive is a small but meaningful goal. So as you live each day think about the difference and impact you may have on someones else's life. Live each day to it's fullest potential you may never know what your purpose here on Earth is but know that you are making a difference in someones life.

Love,

Hallie

Another Death....Another Funeral

Another tragedy has struck the City of Riverside Fire Department, a firefighter was shot and killed by a crazed person last week. This is a story we all too often see on the T.V. but we usually change the channel and think "Thank God" it wasn't someone we knew and loved. Nick was a great person who we knew and loved, and he will be missed a great deal. Tomorrow we will celebrate his life and mourn his loss, it will be a difficult day for all involved. Tomorrow will also be my first funeral, my first firefighter funeral and the first time I have been back in the church where Eric's service was held. This funeral will have an additional impact on me as I relive my own loss while dealing with the emotion of another young person taken in the prime of their life. So the obvious question is why would this happen, why would God take another person from our lives so early, what does it all mean? No one really has the answer but as I have done many times in the past, I have to put my faith in God, that He knows what's right and this is all part of His plan. As I prepare for tomorrow I will be putting my faith in God and turning to Him that He can get me though this terrible day with grace and the strength not to question why.

God Bless,

Hallie

Rest In Peace

Nick Barrios

July 26, 1969 - October 31, 2010.

A kind, gentle, wonderful father, son, brother & friend loved by so many. Taken long before you should have been and never forgotten.

A New Season.....

Seasons change, people come into our lives and people go but it is comforting to know that the people you love are always is your heart.

A I reflect on the last 10 months I think about all the change that has occurred, the people who have come and gone in my life and what it all means. Ever since Eric got sick I look for signs of why this is happening, why is someone in my life or why have they vanished. Everything has a purpose, a plan, an intended outcome. This plan is driven by our destiny which is all God's plan. I hold onto this concept which helps me get though each day. Lately I have been spending time thinking about the people in my life and what each person brings. Some may be people I don't even know but they smile just when I need it the most. Others offer comfort, support, guidance, encouragement, advice and much more. I guess my point is that life is always changing just like the seasons, people come and go and whether you are in my life for the long haul or just passing though I thank you for helping me change and grow though this difficult time. Helping me gain a better focus of life and helping me try to make sense of it all.

Love,

Hallie

Sacramento Memorial

This past weekend we had the opportunity to celebrate and honor Eric at the Fallen Firefighters Memorial in Sacramento. It was a beautiful ceremony, it felt as if it were just for Eric but there were 31 firefighters being honored. It was very emotional for all of us (I had 21 family and friends), I am not sure if it was just being there, the fact that this was the last time for such a ceremony or a little of both. It is very difficult to explain the experience all I know is that I feel privileged to have been married to someone who put his life on the line for the sake of others. I know Eric would not have changed a thing, he loved being a firefighter/ paramedic and I am glad that we were able to honor him in such a beautiful service. I wanted to thank Riverside City Fire for taking good care of us last weekend, the honor guards from all over California for their service, the Fire Foundation for all their hard work and to all the family and friends who were able to share this event with us and to be there to support Hunter and myself. We truly appreciate everything.

I have a video of a speech about Eric, it was read by his engineer Garret and written by Garret and Eric's captain Bob. It was beautiful, unfortunately I am having problems getting it on the blog. I will try again later.

Love to all,

Hallie

Who am I?

Each and every one of has a title, something that defines who we are or what we do. Most of have many title's mom, sister, teacher, wife, vegan, homemaker and so on. It is the title that defines who we are or what we do. During the last 9 months my titles have changed and who I am is being defined all over again. This seems to be the conversation I am continually having with myself. Who am I? I was a wife, mother, teacher, daughter and so on. It was pretty clear who I was and what I was doing with my life. Now I am a widow, mother, daughter, but who am I? I have come to a place in which I have decided to figure out who I am and what my role is now. Being with Eric for 25 years left us as one person, which was easy and wonderful. Now I need to define who I am as a single person a person who has to make decisions and be an independent thinker. I don't feel that I need to do this for some societal necessity but for Hunter and myself. This part of my growing while grieving is a positive step and I am looking forward to redefining who I am and what the rest of my life will look like.

Thank you to those who will be a part of my growing and redefining who I am.

Love,

Hallie

Interesting Quote

I found this Quote in a book, just thought it was interesting with some truth.

"When life offers you a dream so far beyond any of your expectations, it's not reasonable to grieve when it comes to an end."

I am certainly not saying that I am not grieving just that it is an interesting way of looking at something so terrible. As many of you know, I did feel I had a dream so far beyond my expectations and I am so thankful that I found that dream, some people never have what Eric and I had. It helps me to remember to celebrate our life together and not focus on the loss.

Happy Anniversary My Love, My Life, My Soulmate

Dear Eric,

Today would have been our 18th year anniversary, it seems like it was yesterday. I remember you crying at our wedding and I wiped your tears. Actually I believe that almost everyone was crying. When we decided to get married I was so excited. It is not often that you find a love like ours, it was truly a fairy tale a " Once upon a time" story. I knew we would be married forever and when we took our vows I never thought that the "till death do us part" would happen while we were so young. It was a magical day and one I will never forget. I am so thankful we had all those years together, 25 years including dating. It has been 8 months now, I miss you so, the emptiness in my heart actually hurts.

Much has happened since that terrible day in December, but we have continued to move forward one step at a time. Hunter and I have been busy trying to keep the normal routine, it seems that has been somewhat helpful. Hunter played his 1st season of baseball without you there, it was hard and at 1st and he did not want to play but after a nice talk with Coach he did better. I tried to remember to ask him what was one good thing he did and one thing he needed to work on after each game, like you always did. Sometimes I forgot "Sorry". Hunter and I also continued the tradition of Spring training and ball park tours. We saw the Angels in March and Hunter had a blast. He got three balls form players and a bunch of signatures. We have also visited 3 ballpark of course one was Fenway. You would have loved it. April and Morgan went with us and we celebrated Hunters 11th Birthday at the game. I even had a "Happy Birthday" message in the jumbo-tron.

In January we are going to enter our name in a lottery to sit on the Green Monster, we will see. In April we went to Seattle for Easter, it was nice seeing Jamie and her family. You would have loved all the rain. We had dinner with Neil, April and 9 of the kids and Hunter fell in love with the kids. So we went back before school started so that he could have a sleep over, it was so much fun for him. I know if we lived closer they would be a big part of our family. Neil was such a wonderful friend and Hunter has bonded with a few of the boys. It reminds me of you and the relationship you had with all the laughs and fun. Also in April my parents sold their house so that they could be closer to us. They stayed in our house for a few months and just moved into their new house. It is nice having them closer especially since your gone. I did not realize how much easier it was having a two parents household. Even when you weren't feeling great I always knew I could say tag and you would take over for me. My folks also got a new puppy named Sherman, you know the one that my mom has been telling Cricket about for 3 years. He is so cute and has wormed his way into our hearts. Cece is great with him and Coco just tries to ignore him. Cece really has been a blessing for me and I just wanted to thank you again for getting her for me. I love her so and she loves me back. I take her to Hunters practices and when I take her in the car she wears her doggles. She does not love them but she wears them. People often take pictures of her and it make me smile. We have continued our travels, making memories just like last summer. We went back to Kona Village and we stayed with Kirk, Tracie and Gizmo. It was really special being there and I felt really close to you, it was great. I wish I had that feeling all the time it was very special, I know you loved it there also, maybe that is why I could feel you there. As I mentioned before we went to Boston and toured the city it was not as busy as New York and a little more family friendly. We had fantastic food, that you would have loved. It was fun being with your sister and Morgan they remind me of you and how you would get grumpy if you did not eat. We made sure we always had a full stomach.

Well school starts tomorrow and Hunter will be int he 6th grade, I can't believe he is in middles school. He is very smart just like you and very social just like me. My goal this year is to help him to stay focused and organized in school. This was something you were always good at, I hope I have learned enough from you to continue in your path. We changed your office around and painted, so Hunter has a nice place to complete his homework. He likes being in your office and we call it the "man cave".

As for me I am continuing to put my trust in God, that he knows what he is doing. Sometimes it is hard but I continue to follow your example. He must know why Hunter and I have to continue on this plant without you. It is really just not seem fair. I continue to have sleep issues at night, that is my most difficult time. I am hoping that after I start exercising I will start sleeping better. Not a moment goes by that I don't think of you, every time I look at Hunter or he flashes me that million dollar smile I think of you. He is so much like you, always positive easy going, a bit sarcastic and usually pretty funny. He has been very good during this difficult time. I am so thankful for him. He makes it easier to get up in the morning. You would be very proud of him, he is truly your son.

Hunter and I look for pennies all the time, I know when we find one it is from you. I know you are watching over us and protecting us. I am thankful for that I just wish it did not hurt so much. Our life will never be quite the same without you here. I wish that this letter would get a response from you but I know that there is no e-mail in heaven. I will continue to look for signs that you are with us. I will always love you.

Your wife and true love,

Hallie

Camp Widow

Hello,

I know it has been some time since my last post and I am sorry about that. I am always thinking about what to write and then time just slips by. I always know it is time when others e-mail or call to see if everything is ok. This blog for them is a way of connecting to me without having to actually ask....How are you doing? How is Hunter etc.... Of course it is a way for me to discuss feeling, emotions and activities without having to worry about what others are thinking and if I am saying too much. It really is a wonderful tool and one I am thankful to have in my situation. The Internet has opened me up to a group of other widows and widowers, many who blog about their experiences, others are my facebook friends and now a few of us are moving into a new place, a place where friendships are developing though our tragedy. I certainly don't feel lucky but I do feel fortunate to have found this online support network .

A few weekends ago I went to a conference called "Camp Widow" it was in San Diego and I was able to meet many of my online friends. It was a very emotional experience for all of us. Some of us had lost our loved ones within the year and others it had been longer, much longer. There were many many women who are my age and younger with young children and others who are older with grown children. The one thing we all had in common was we have all lost our spouse. It was the first time for me to be in a room of people and not feel like I am the odd one, the one who lost her husband. We were all in the same "club" like it or NOT. We were all able to laugh and death jokes and cry at the same time. We all understood each others weird sense of humor and understood each others grief. Each and everyone of us knew exactly what the other was feeling, this great sense of loss.

This program was put on by an organization called Soaring Spirits Loss Foundation

http://www.sslf.org/ it was started by a women, Michele H and her friend Michelle D, who also lost their husbands. Michele H gave the keynote speech and it was truly inspiring. She said that our life can be compared to rock climbing. We all are some where in this pit trying to make our way out of the grief. Sometimes we are able to climb up, other times we have to go sideways in order to go forward and sometimes we fall back to the bottom. Each and everyone of us in in a different place and those of us who have made it to the top are able to help pull others to the top. When I was listening to her I could actually see this picture she was painting and I was able to connect with her thoughts on the process of grieving. It feels so right on, sometimes I feel just that way. I may be moving up, falling down or just going sideways. I have a linked a copy of what Michele said, so please take a look and if you know anybody who what benefit from this site or from SSLF please pass along the information. It is nice to know that I have a support network who knows exactly what I am going though and I can turn to them any time of the day or night.

http://widowsvoice-sslf.blogspot.com/2010/08/foot-holds.html

Thank you all for your support and friendship,

Hallie

Marriage & Conversations

There are many things that happens when you are married and have shared so much with your spouse. One of the things I miss the most is the conversation we would have, even if we were not actually speaking. Our conversations would involve words, jesters, body language, facial expressions and glances. We seem to always know what the other person was thinking and what they would have said. There are so many times that I want to share something with Eric, whether it's about something funny, ridiculous, your never guess, OMG ect..... I think oh I 'll just call Eric, look at my phone and then realize that he won't answer my call. If I am somewhere with a group of people I often look for him to steal a glance or an expression so he knows what I am thinking. When I am on my way home from something I am excited to share my experiences with him and then realize that when I open the door he won't be there to greet me and listen to my story. I was one of the lucky wives who had a husband that liked to talk and we would talk for hours. When he was at work we would talk each night before bed and many times during the day. If I was gone he would call me often and we would chat. Then with texting we would send little messages during the day. This is one of the things I miss the most, I have so much to share with him. I know I can talk to the sky but he can't talked back and then people will think I am a bit off. So for those of you who are lucky enough to have a spouse or significant other remember to share and share often, talk to each other, listen to each other and enjoy the conversation because one day it may all change.

Love,

Hallie

All Star Game

One of the things that Eric always wanted to do was to go to the All Star Game. It was a childhood dream as I am sure it is for all young boys. For those of you who don't follow baseball this is the game that happens once a year between the American and National teams. It is packed full of fun beside the game there is the home run derby, fan fest, celebrity baseball and much more. Well the fun has already started in Anaheim as the Angles will be hosting the All Star Game this week. On Monday I will be taking Hunter and my niece to the Home run derby in honor of Eric. On Tuesday Hunter will be surprised by his Aunt with tickets to the actual game. (He is going to be so happy). Eric and I talked about it before he passed away and it was one of the request he had for me to do with Hunter. As you can imagine it is bitter sweet for me. I am happy to take Hunter and Morgan but there will be an sadness because Eric is not there physically with us. I hope that I will be able to live though Hunters total excitement and enjoy the moment for what it is worth. Knowing that Eric would have been so excited just as if he were an almost 11 year old boy. So this one is for Eric!

Hawaiian Flower Ceremony

While in Hawaii Hunter and I had the opportunity to experience a beautiful ceremony to remember Eric and his life. Our friend lead us though the tradition of throwing the flower lei's into the ocean. It was one of the most beautiful things that I have experienced. We had the chance to visit this area last year and the connection I feel to Eric there is eeire. We did not stay at the resort long last year we were only there one night while visiting the Brewer ohana but the strong feeling I had while there this time is something I can not really put into words. I have a short video which I am having trouble loading but is on facebook and some pictures to share with you and I hope that you see the specialness of the ceremony. It was truly amazing.

In addition to the ceremony I also wanted to share another strange thing that cant be explained although the Hawaiian people have a theory. While in Hawaii last year our friends gave us a flower lei and two ti leaf leis for Eric and Hunter. The ti leafs are taken from the plant and made into a long rope like necklace, they are to believed to be a plant of protection. After a few months they should turn brown because they are not alive anymore. Well when I was at our friends house I saw one of their's and it was dried and brownish. I asked if that is what it is supposed to look like and they said yeas after about 3 or 4 months. Well it has been a year and it is still green, they asked around and everyone said of course it should be brown and dried it has been almost a year. So you ask what does this mean? Well from what the beliefs are 2 thoughts, 1...it is still green because Eric is here protecting us and the green plant is a sign of his presents....2...Eric is keeping it alive...a sign that he is here and possible he has a message for us or something to tell us. I am really not sure what to believe but the one thing I know is that the green ti leaf lei should be brown and dried and brittle and it is green and flexible.

Forks and Decisions

In life we often come to a fork in the road, decisions are made and our lives can change for good or bad. It seems that the last 5 months I have had many forks in the road. Decisions had to be made which definitely changed my life. Some have been hard, some have been easy and I am still waiting on the results of most of them. This week one of the decisions I made had to be finalized. It was a very difficult thing for me to do. I had to clean out my class and pack up my stuff. It felt like I had to say goodbye to another family member. I have grown to love my kids as my own, I would do anything for them. The decision to leave my class was one that did not come easy but because of the fork in the road I was made to make a decision. On the other side of this decision is Hunter and my need to be with him during this difficult time in our lives. I know that my students will miss whatever I was able to bring to the class and hopefully my replacement can fill the void and treat them as if they are family. So as another chapter in my life changes and doors open and close I hope I made the right decision for the sake of my students, my son and for me.

God bless,

Hallie

Sleeplessness.......

What makes nights so difficult? Why does your mind always have to think just when it is time to sleep. I love to sleep but I have found that it is often difficult to sleep since Eric died, I was used to him gone at work and it is not like I never slept in the bed alone so why is this such a big deal? I know that nobody has the answer and I am really not looking for an answer....I guess it is just on of those things....the things that come from being a widow. This is one of the things that I just hate.....it is so quite and I really am tired but everything that needs to get done enters my mind and then of course I start thinking about Eric and how he just made everything better. No matter what was going on he always made the difficult stuff easier to handle. I miss him so and I wish he was here now during this 3am ranting to just make everything better....to hold me and to assure me that no matter what happens it will be ok......

PS.....at least the dog can sleep...she is sleeping in my spot...go figure.

Boy Scouts here I come....

Hunter joined cub scouts in 1st grade and we have had 5 busy years growing, having fun and making new friends. Since Eric had an odd schedule and he was more of an hotel guy, I did most of the activities (under some protest) with Hunter. During his time as a cub scout we went summer & winter camping, (we even sleep on the snow), we hiked, went to den and pack meetings, made pine wood derby cars, rockets and boats, went on go see its, did service hours just to name a few. Hunter made wonderful friends with the boys and enjoys every minute of scouts. Last month he and his den crossed over into boy scouts. They all earned the highest rank in cub scouts, Arrow of Light, and had a beautiful ceremony to celebrate. The boys all joined the same boy scout troop and have begun to participate in activities. Hunter knows that I am going to step back a bit from scouts, and let him explore scouts with support from me but not as much involvement. I love that he enjoys camping, outdoor activities, getting dirty, learning, growing and maturing. I hope he enjoys many more years of Scouts.

Mother's Day

Just a quick note to let everyone know that I had a wonderful Mother's Day with my little boy. He let me sleep in, made me coffee and brought me Krispy Kreme donuts in bed. We stayed in our P.J. until the afternoon and watched TV together. It can't get much better than that! It was a really nice day. Fortunately Mother's day has never really been a big deal for me it has always been about my mom, grandma and Eric's mom. I have spend other Mother's Day's without Eric because of his work schedule so it was not so unusual for us to be without him. So that being said this first was not as bad as it could have been. I am not looking forward to Father's Day but I have planned for us to be on vacation that day so hopefully it won't be too bad either. I hope all of you mothers had a wonderful Mother's Day....I know you all deserved it!

Love,

Hallie

All kinds of stuff

Yeah, we gotta start
Looking at the hands of the time we've been given
If this is all we got and we gotta start thinking
If every second counts on a clock that's ticking
Gotta live like we're dying

We only got 86,400 seconds in a day to
Turn it all around or to throw it all away
We gotta tell them that we love them
While we got the chance to say
Gotta live like we're dying

These are the words from a song by Kris Allen, Hunter and I like his music and we really like this song...especially since we have a different perspective on things now. I only share this with you since some time has passed and we again get suck into our daily lives and the little things we think are important turn out to be not so important in the scheme of life. So these lyrics help us to remember to say I love you and make sure that every moment counts....don't put things off and don't get so caught up in the daily little things that you forget the big things in life.

Ok, now on to some other stuff.....The BIG decision was whether I continue working or not. Those of you who know me know that I love my job and I love the students I work with. It is a rewarding job and one that I am excited to do everyday. Don't get me wrong it has it's negatives also but I did it for the kids....my kids... Well now that I am the sole caretaker of Hunter and still dealing with my own mental & physical needs I found it challenging to put my heart and sole into a job and have not a lot left over for Hunter. He has needs as well that have to get meet. So a decision had to be made work or not work. Fortunately the decision was not entirely up to me since politics and philosophy had some hand in helping make the decision. So for now I am not working and have decided to spend the time with Hunter, making sure his needs are meet and on myself. I hope that I can get back to the classroom later but only God knows the doors that will open and close for me in the future.

Thank you for all your prayers and words of encouragement. It is so nice to have such a big support group.

Love,

Hallie

Decisions...

One of the most difficult things about Eric not being here is how difficult decision making has become. Of course I am talking about big life changing decisions....the little ones I have under control. Even though I know what Eric would be saying, it was nice to have a sounding board and knowing that what ever advice he had for me it was always up to me to make the final call. I also knew that he would support me even if the decision was not right. I know that I can talk to friends but they will not be there to help pick up the pieces if it all goes bad....I have my parents but then I risk the "I told you so"......I also have Hunter but his advice is really only good if it involves playing baseball. So that leaves me with another void in my life one that is very obvious to me since I am faced with some big decision making. I wish I could elaborate but in time.....for now just pray that I make the right decision for myself and Hunter.

Thanks for listening,

Hallie

Happy Birthday Eric!

Well today was another first and another new tradition. For the last 24 years I celebrated Eric birthday on April 11th, and today was the first that Eric was not here for his birthday. He would have been 42 years old today. So another new first......and a new tradition...celebrating my birthday on his special day. Since he passed away on my birthday it seems impossible to celebrate my birthday knowing that was the day he died. So I took a suggestion from a friend and decide to celebrate my special day on his special day, it was not the happiest of celebration but a day for our families to get together and celebrate the life of Eric and myself. I opened up the presents and cards from my birthday and we enjoyed ice cream cake. There was no singing, candles or other festive things you would think of coming with a birthday. Growing up my birthday was always a very special day for me, being so close to Christmas my mom always made sure it was special and did not get over looked. I have to say that I enjoyed my new special day and enjoyed the company I kept. I am not sure what the future has in store for me but I know that making my special day on Eric's special day is a tradition that I will look forward to in the future. I also wanted to thank everyone who gave me cards and presents in December, I opened then today. Thank you!

Love,

Hallie

Easter

Happy Easter as it turns out this Easter has been easier than expected, I guess because it was not unusual for Eric to be working on Easter and for Hunter and I to do our own thing anyhow. So this year to help ease the sadness and begin a new tradition Hunter and I traveled to Seattle to spend Easter with my cousin Jamie and her family. She has 2 girls and it was great to see Hunter and the girls enjoy the fun of Easter morning. We went to a fantastic Brunch and all had naps! I know that Eric was with us today and I am sure enjoyed his own Easter in Heaven. I guess we have had another 1st without Eric and I am glad that we can mark it off our check list of 1st. Not sure how other 1st will go but so happy that I got though our 1st Easter.

I hope that you all had a wonderful celebration with family and friends remembering the sacrifice that was made for us in order to have this celebration.

Love to all,

Hey Mom!

HUNTER: "Hey Mom do we have a sander?"

ME: Yes but why? No answer

ME: Do you mean sand paper?

HUNTER: No a answer

ME: What for?

HUNTER: "Come down here..."

ME: Oh this can't be good

So I go down stairs to see what could Hunter possible want the sander for......oh the wall!!!!! Well he wrote on the wall and thought he could just sand it off. I tried to explain that if he tried to use the sander on the wall it would make a big hole. The walls are not wood. So Mr. Clean Magic Eraser was a much better solution.

Problem solved......just thought I'd share.

Spring Baseball

Hey everyone sorry it has been so long since my last post. I am going to keep it light today and know that each day is a new day some are good and some just really suck.

Well most of you realize that Hunter is a lover of baseball and since the weather is warmer it is obvious that it is that time of year again. Hunter is playing ball and having a good time. He is on a great team with a great coaching staff, we are really lucky. We also started the watching of ball with the Angles. Last weekend we went to Tempe and watched the Angels play against the Mariners. I won't comment on the game but lets just say we had a good time anyhow, at least it is only spring training and I am sure it is not a refection of whats to come.....Right? So we got tot he field by 10am Hunter was not going to be a minute late.....we watched the minor league at batting practice.....then the major players. Hunter was handed 3 balls from various players, he was so excited. He used these balls to get his signatures. Now he could tell you all the players but I don't remember there names but the pictures you see are with Mickey Hatcher, Brandon Wood & Reggie Willits. After the practice we watched a 4 1/2 hour game! Then we had dinner and meet a few members of the team. On Monday we toured the Diamond Back field, this was our 4th stadium tour only 26 more to go.....It was a great way to spend the weekend with Hunter.

Since we were in Arizona we also saw Eric's family which was nice and good for everyone.

Hugs

As many of you know Eric had wonderful hugs, someone told me the other day that when Eric hugged you you knew that it was a pure hug from the heart. Of course I had all different kids of hugs from him so when I was asked if I felt the same way I said "I don't know"......his hugs were great but I was also in love with him. I knew that he gave great hugs because he hugged everybody and he always hugged with passion. You just knew from peoples reactions that it was a great hug......not in a creepy hold on too long uncomfortable way. It was not too hard it was not wimpy, it was a pure hug from the heart. Eric would call these "A" hugs.......this started with our niece Morgan. So you ask what is the point of all this...does it really matter what kind of hugs he gave. Well the answer is of course yes for obvious reasons but really the message I want to get out is to hug. I am sure some of you are huggers by nature and some of you never hug. What if you never gave or received hug? What if something awful happened and you did not get in that last hug? What if someone just needed a hug to help them get though their day? What if that person was you? I am sure it is important to be remembered in many ways after you are no longer here on earth but what a great way for my Eric to be remember......not only as a kind and wonderful man, a good advise giver but as a great hugger. So the next time you give a hug make sure it is an "A" hug. And remember to hug often!

Love and HUGS!!!

Hallie

Widow's Grief

I found this post on another blog, which she had found on yet another blog so I cannot give the author credit. When I read it I new it was just what I wanted to say. So thank you to the unknown author........

Widow's Grief

I wish my husband hadn't died. I wish I had him back

Please don't be afraid to speak my husband's name. My husband lived and was very important to me. I appreciate hearing that he was important to you as well.

If I cry and get emotional when you talk about my husband, know that it isn't because you have hurt me. My husband 's death is the cause of my tears. You have talked about my husband, and you have allowed me to share my grief. I thank you for both.

Please don't feel you need to remove his pictures, artwork, or other remembrances from your home. They are a reminder that he lived and loved. They don't make me sad. The fact that he's dead makes me sad. I love to see pictures of him and things he was a part of.

Being a bereaved wife is not contagious, so please don't shy away from me. I need you more than ever. But sometimes I'm not going to be very fun to be around, or I'm not going to accept your invitation. Please don't give up on me and accept me for being able to do what I can cope with at the time. Just because I've said no to the past four invitations doesn't mean I'm going to say no to the next one. I appreciate you patience with me.

I need diversions, so I do want to hear about you, but I also want you to hear about me. I might be sad and I might cry, but I appreciate it if you let me talk about my husband, my favorite topic of the day.

I know that you think of and pray for me often. I also know that my husband's death pains you, too. Please feel free to let me know things through a phone call, a card or a note, or a real big hug.

Please don't expect my grief to be over in this first year. These first few months have traumatic for me, but I need you to understand that my grief will never be over. I will always miss my husband, and I will always grieve that he is dead. I will suffer the death of my husband until the day I die.

Please don't expect me "not to think about it" or to "be happy". I always think about him and happiness is something that I can't just make happen, so don't frustrate yourself. On days when I seem happy or seem not to be thinking about it, know that some bereaved wives are Academy Award winning actresses. And even if I'm genuinely happy, I'm still thinking about him every second of every day and wishing he was here.

I don't want to have a "pity party," but I hope you will let me grieve in the way I need to. I must hurt before I can heal. I will let you know what I need and I'd appreciate it if you just accept whatever it is. I'm working really hard on honoring and feeling my grief, so I heal as well as possible. And know that as I'm healing, large scars are being formed on my heart.

I wish you understood how my life has shattered. I know it is miserable for you to be around me when I'm feeling miserable. Please be as patient with me as I am with you.

When I say, "I'm doing okay," I hope you understand that I don't always feel okay and that I struggle daily with this new reality.

I have many new areas in my life that I'm now solely responsible for, plus grieving the loss of my love, and some days, many days, that is overwhelming. When I became a Mom, I knew that my marriage would always remain, that I'd never be a single parent because of divorce. I never thought about being a single parent because of death. It is so hard to just be the only parent and hold down a full time job, without even adding the overwhelming burden of the grief we all feel. Thank you for your support of my family. We need it now more than ever.

I want you to know that all of the grief reactions I'm having are very normal. Depression, anger, hopelessness and overwhelming sadness are all to be expected. So please excuse me when I'm quiet and withdrawn or irritable and cranky.

I'm not only taking my life one day at a time, but one hour at a time, one minute at a time. Please be patient with me.

Grief changes people. When my husband died, a big part of me died with him. I am not the same person I was before my husband died, and I will never be that person again. Please don't look for her. She's not coming back.

I wish very much that you could understand - understand my loss and my grief, my silence and my tears, my void and my pain. But I pray daily that you will never understand.

What Dead is Forever.........

Ok really I know the answer to this statement......but REALLY I am so over it. I am ready for Eric to come home and take care of stuff. I really don't like handling everything, dead car batteries, tax season, paying bills, handling Hunters emotional issues (Eric was really much better at these things than I am). I just need Eric to come and tell me what to do and give me his advice. I have had enough of him being gone. As I was talking with his mom we realized that as the days pass it is not getting easier...it is actually getting harder. We are all ready for him to return and since we know he is not the harsh reality of what is actually happening is hitting home. It really just sinks and I feel like half of who I am is gone. I have always been a very independent type person but at the end of the day I always relied on Eric to be the man and take care of all the stuff. To take care of the family, to make the decisions that needed to be made and to provide me with the advice that would help me make the right decisions in life. Sometimes you just don't realize how much your better half does until you are left to it all on your own. All I know it this is getting old and I am ready for Eric to return. I hope as time passes this harsh reality will be a little less painful.

Love,

Hallie

Happy Valentine s Day

Happy Valentines Day......I hope everyone is having a wonderful day. Like I said before this was never really an important day for Eric and I so this 1st has not been too difficult. Although Hunter and I are in Iowa....frezeeing......so maybe the good company we are with helps the potential pain be less. Also with advice from my mother Hunter made it special for me....a simply rose and a beautiful card. OK so I said we are in Iowa, visiting friends, Hunter meet his first real friend, Isabella, at 18 months and they have been friends for 9 years. As a matter of fact their 1st play date was making Valentines Day cookies together. Obviously I became best friends with the mom and than our husbands also became great friends. Brandy and Jose have walked with us though many journeys and us with them. Since I have to endure this 1st I am glad that I am not alone.....I can't think of a better way to spend this potentially painful holiday with my BFF and her amazing family. Hunter an I are grateful, not only for the Rodriguez family, but for all the friends that have been so wonderful during the last 7 weeks.....and 2 years. I hope that everyone is with that special person or person's on this special day.

Lot's of Love
Hallie

A Few 1st.......

Well it has been six weeks today since Eric passed away. It is amazing how easy it is for me to keep tract of time, as each week passes. In my old normal life I would never be able to tell you how many weeks it had been since anything. As you can tell from the title I have a few 1st to discuss, things I did not think would be difficult. Last week I took Eric's car in for servicing, those of you who know Eric knew he loved his car. I only ever went with him to drive him home. All the people know him and knew the situation. I thought to myself this will be fine and it was all good until they asked what kind of oil I wanted in the car. The tears just started coming, I felt bad for the guy helping me I am sure it is not a usual reaction to a relatively easy question. Anyhow I did survive but just a little surprised. The other thing that has taken be by surprise is how difficult it has been to be with Eric's family. Since the funeral I have had one birthday party and this weekend I am in Arizona with Eric's family and sister April. You would think that after 24 years it would be like visiting my family. It's not that I am uncomfortable it's just another reminder that Eric is not here. I suppose it is the same for them seeing Hunter and myself with out Eric. When we talk about stories, reminisce about the days of past and even the silliness and laughter that comes with his family I can't help but to think about him and miss his presence. I just did not think that this was going to be as difficult as it has been. I know as with anything as time goes by it will be easier and the laughter and stories will be a way for Hunter and I to remember Eric without any sadness. I know that this year there will be alot of 1st, some of them I feel that I am prepared for and others I know will catch me off guard. With Valentine's day approaching many of you are thinking this may be difficult because it is a 1st and it is the day of Love. I am hoping that the day will go by as any other because everyday with Eric was Valentine's Day. We never really made a big fuss about what we called a "Hallmark Holiday" I think it should be fine but I could be caught off guard. I guess I won't know until it happens.

Until next time,
Lot's of Love
Hallie

Marriage

Sunday at church a couple renewed their wedding vows. This of course got me thinking about marriage and the vows we take. The union of marriage is sacred and all to often after a few years we forget what we said on that beautiful day. Lets take a look at those vows.

I, (Bride/Groom), take you (Groom/Bride), to be my (wife/husband), to have and to hold from this day forward, for better or for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish; from this day forward until death do us part.

As I sit here and blog I can say that Eric and I lived out each and every vow. I wish I could say this is exciting but obviously the death do us part things really stinks. We had our ups and downs especially after Hunter was born..... Eric gave me the talk at Home Depot (most people don't have life altering talks at the hardware store). We had times that were financially tough, in fact we were told by a church psychologist that our marriage would never make it because we had no money. I just love proving people wrong. I mean don't get me wrong having good paying jobs does make things a whole lot easier. We both had our times of being sick and healthy, we were pretty lucky because neither of us had many illnesses in our life. It was not until the brain cancer that we really had to deal with sickness. As the wife of a terminally ill husband I was honored to be able to take care of Eric. I could not imagine anyone else taking care of him. I only wish I could have done it for many more years. Of course we loved and cherished each other, Eric took amazingly good care of me. I am so lucky to have had a love like ours, many people never experience that kind of love but I am happy to say I did. I can honestly say Eric was the perfect husband. People often said we had a fairy tale love, one you only see in movies. All this being said and I did tell Eric this before he passed, even as awful as it is we actually got to live everyone of our vows. The good the bad......the happy the sad.....the sickness and health.....the death do us part.

As I noted before people often take for granted there vows, what it means to be a wife or husband. It takes work to be in a fairy tale, it does not come easily. I wish that everyone could have what I had with Eric. Don't let time go by and life stuff get in the way of your marriage. Take time to enjoy your spouse, make time for each other, relive your love each and everyday. From my own experience time is so precious and I can say with out any regrets that Eric and I had the perfect marriage and even though he his not physically here our love with last a life time. This is my wish for all of you.

This Only Parent Thing....and A Rat

So I am OK and most of the time doing OK, as time goes by I seem to be missing Eric more and more....I just want to talk to him and let him know what is happening, how my day has gone and all the crazy stuff that goes on. I really don't like taking care of the things Eric always did. I guess I will get used to some things like paying bills, going to the bank, doing the laundry.....other things I am not sure I will get used to like a RAT in the garage, picking up soggy dog..... or being an only parents. I really did not think about being an only parent, I thought a lot about other stuff but not about being the only one to be with Hunter and interact with him by myself. It is amazing how often I would tag team with Eric. It seemed just when I had enough, Eric would jump in an take over. It was seamless and worked out so well. Now here I am trying to take care off all this stuff, paperwork, phone calls, A RAT, cleaning Eric's office and then here comes my loving, energetic bundle of joy. Who by the way is going though his own emotions and adjustments. Sometimes I just want to scream....not at Hunter but at the situation. Eric knew right when I was at the point when I needed my own space and time to reflect on stuff. He would jump in and take over, now the questions is how do I do this only parent thing, making sure that Hunter's needs are being meet as well as my own? I don't really expect an answer from anyone...I am mostly just venting. Since like I noted in the beginning of this blog I can't talk to Eric and let him know how my day went.

Thanks for reading and now that my Internet is back up and working I will hopefully be here more often.

Lots of Love to all....

Things Eric did not Love.....

Here is another list only thought it fitting....again no particular order....enjoy

• trying new foods
• dirty hands
• eating at home
• me not finishing a project
• a dirty car
• dishes in the sink
• people saying one thing than doing another
• dumping trash into the outside can without a trash bag liner
• our old Midway City apartment and our neighbors
• people fussing over him
• fruits and vegetables
• rice
• pasta
• me biting my nails
• shopping
• sleeping with the TV on
• talking about ghost's
• doctors
• 72's
• Coco eating rabbit droppings
• rudeness
• cub scouts
• camping
• coffee
• sleeping in
• laying around the house
• lawn work
• me driving his car
• my soap opera
• short hair (only mine)
• too much make up
• lot's of noise or crazy stuff at our house
• Coco wandering the neighborhood
• spaghetti
• breakfast
• family drama
• traveling-or at least getting to and from
• watching TV
• people's stupidity- or lack of common sense
• people not returning his phone call
• laziness

Also I wanted to provide a link to the site that has all the pictures from before and during the funeral taken by the Riverside Fire Department. They are amazing...enjoy.

www.rivfiredepartment.blogspot.com/

Things Eric loved.....

I am writing a list of things that Eric loved to help me and of course for Hunter later in life. It is no particular order just thoughts....so enjoy.

• me and Hunter
• getting the mail
• wearing t-shirts and shorts
• Las Vegas
• Nestle Quik
• salt and vinegar chips
• Sweet Maui Onion chips
• watching sports
• playing sports
• Wahoo's fish taco
• meat and potatoes
• being funny
• reading
• playing baseball with Hunter
• financial planning
• dark chocolate
• See's candy-Bordeaux
• Kona's Longboard beer
• sarcasm
• taking care of the family
• his family
• my family
• mint chocolate chip ice cream-Breyers
• soft warm chocolate chips cookies
• techno music
• his Acura
• fire department
• the computer
• playing web-kinz on the computer
• eating
• his office
• the fire truck
• Disneyland
• roller coasters
• laughing
• tickling us
• his Dyson vacuum
• God
• burn notice
• doing the laundry
• fast food
• girl talk
• Christmas
• making sure I knew I was special
• checking my e-mail
• the sound of the ocean
• the sound of rain
• learning
• reading directions
• his short hair
• my long hair
• red hair
• Monday's-because we went back to school
• public speaking
• the dogs
• Bakers- (fast food)
• The Big Dude sandwich
• Station 13
• hugging & kissing
• coke
• clean house-messy office
• Monday night football
• Sunday night baseball
• Ken's thousand island dressing
• my long nails

I'm a What!!!!

That's right I am a widow.......As I reflect on what that means I am still a little unsure what exactly that means. I tried to explain it to Hunter and even that was difficult. Am I a Ms. or a Mrs.? Am I single? Do I take off my wedding ring? How to I fill out papers? What do I tell people. I still feel married, does that change? It is hard to believe that it has been almost 3 weeks. So many things go through my head about the past and the future. So many questions I ask myself hoping for some kind of answer, usually I am waiting for Eric's wisdom. Of course I guess I will just have to figure things out for myself. As I mentioned before it does seem like Eric is at work. I guess the benefit of being a firefighters wife is that I am used to being home alone with Hunter. I guess is some ways it is a blessing, other than I know I am not going to talk to him on the phone, I am used to being by myself. I know Eric is here and I do talk with him. Yesterday a penny hit my leg when I was sitting down. Pretty sure it was Eric he loved pennies. Anyhow all thing considered I feel like I am doing pretty good....except the questions that linger. It seems that Hunter is doing ok also.....I try and talk to him about Eric and I try and get him to express his feelings. At 10 it is obviously different than for a 40 year old widow.....I am sure he will struggle later when important things happen in his life. Fortunately for us he has a whole fire department that is ready to help try and make his life events memorable.

For those of you wondering I am going to keep the blog going....instead of Eric's unknown journey it is now our unknown journey. Thanks for reading and for all the support.

Lots of Love to all....

A Celebration of Life.....

We celebrated Eric's Life on Wednesday, January 6th 2010. It was by all accounts the most beautiful celebration one could ever hope for and certainly more than Eric would have ever expected. For those of you who were there I know you were as amazed as I was, the love and support was simply over whelming. It would have made a simple man like Eric proud. I am not sure how to explain everything but for those of you who weren't able to make it I will do my best. At about 10:15 the final call for Eric Botkin went over the loud speaker at station 1 and that is when it started. Hunter, Eric and myself headed down the street in the engine that Eric had spent so much time on. I am sure it was all to familiar to him but for Hunter and I it was a first and a bit overwhelming. We were driven my Eric's engineer Garrett and his Captain was in the Captain seat. As we drove down the street following the big pipe players and being followed by many others, people were on the street taking pictures and watching. I am sure they were wondering who was this person? We made it down the street to a sea of blue saluting the engine. It was simple amazing. After a short time we headed into the church to begin the service. The mass was more than I could of hoped for and I am so glad that it provided the comfort that I needed during this difficult time. Captain Markin was by my side each and every moment and of course Hunter. The songs were the hardest for me not only because they are my favorite but also because they were the songs at our wedding. The mass was what was to be expected but at the end was when the fire department did their part. Hunter and I received the medals, the flag and Hunter was given a fire helmet made just for him. The Final bell was rung, Taps was played and of course Amazing Grace was played on the bag pipes. It was simple amazing and I was at that very moment so proud to be the wife of a fire fighter......to a man who eventually gave his life to help others. When the service ended we headed to the reception. Eric's engine was in front followed by at least 35 others, it was a beautiful day and a beautiful sight to see. I am sure I have not given justice to the bigness of the event but hopefully the pictures can do a little of it for me.

You can also see the write up in the Press Enterprise by following this link.

Riverside firefighter gets a final farewell | Inland News | PE.com | Southern California News | News for Inland Southern California