Total Mass Confusion~
9 years ago
Friday, December 11, 2009
Up's and Down's
So it has been two days since I last posted something and each time I put something up I really want it to be that a miracle has occurred and Eric is on the way to recovery. Unfortunately that is not the case, Eric continues to decline, he is weaker by the day, eating less, communicating less and tonight he has moved into the hospital bed. I am not sure why he moved into the bed but it does not seem like a good thing. I have prepared myself for this moment but I was hoping that it would not be so soon. It is interesting to watch him go though this process, I have noticed a few things so just bare with me as I have not verbalized this before. 1st as I watch Eric's health decline it is almost as if he is reverting back to being a baby. Is this what it is like for anyone who goes though a health issue like this? He stopped walking, eating is a challenge, rest rooming issues, bathing ect. It is almost like a reversal of birth and living. Secondly I wonder if we innately prepare to die. Do we start to do things to prepare others or ourselves for the day. If anyone has ever had an animal get sick and die there is a process and it is as if they and you know what is happening. As I watch Eric it seems as if he is beginning to do things (like leaving our bed) to prepare me for what is to come. If nothing else it is yet another thing to think about and again something I never thought I would ever have to ponder.
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13 comments:
Hallie, just want you to know I am here for you! I won't ever give up praying for Eric, just want him to be at peace. You are truly amazing - God continues to give you strength.
It's fascinating that we can have totally different lives (with totally different cancers) and yet the process of dying is almost identical in both of our situations. You'd think I would have some great words of wisdom from just having had this experience, but my heart aches for you and it is SO not fair that you have to go through this.
When Bill went into the bed it was my internal struggle with feeling sorry for myself. I kept telling myself that I was not allowed to make our situation "poor me" since I was not the one in pain or suffering or dying... but you know what? I was doing every bit of all those things. So, I would like to give you permission to feel sorry for yourself... this IS happening to you, too.
I honestly think that someone dying does all they can to help prepare the loved ones around them. Bill went through the same phase and I felt like it was evident he was prepping me for the inevitable. I sensed that he was pulling away and going to his new home before the actual time of death. The only way I can explain it is that he was going in and out of both worlds and then realized he needed to turn off the lights here and move in permanently to his new place.
I'm sure you wish you had a crystal ball to alleviate all the questions. The next step for Bill was a constant sleeping state where he would give very few signals that he knew what we were saying and that we were there. We took this as the perfect time to say good-bye and pray with him. We held vigils and told him that it was OK to move on... It was the hardest time for me, admitting that he needed to go and live with Jesus, pain free. I now have peace in my heart that he helped me to the very end "ready" myself for his final departure.
Oh Hallie... I'm so very sorry...
My heart is with you,
Jackie
My love to you all. Hallie, keep writing, and if not to us in your own journal. I found that an immensely calming and satisfying thing. It helped me through the post process and reading it now, 19 years later, still gives me insight into many things. Just remember that when you feel truly alone, you never are. Just use God as you crutch, He is willing. He knows the pain Eric's entire family is going through, and He is there, May His comforting arms surround you all and give you peace.
In His Name,
LCS
Hallie! We are here for you, to listen, to pray, to do whatever you need! I believe Eric is letting you know that both he and you will be "ok"! I continue to pray for peace for you and your family.
Chrissy Nigrelli
Eric,
I did not know until last night at "Chillin with the Sisters" as to how things were progressing. Just a few weeks ago we sat on the bleachers watching our boys play flag football and trying to think of that "all star" word.
I just want you to know what an inspiration you and your family have been to me. The day you and Hallie walked into my classroom on that Friday in October and asked if we could talk - to tell me about your upcoming brain surgery. You showed me strength, determination, enduring faith, and all with a sense of humor. You have taught many of us life lessons and have "showed" me faith in action. This journey may be ending but your next journey lies ahead and I know God has special plans for you.
Hunter has always had a special place in my heart and will continue too. It takes a village to raise a child and I promise you I will be a member of that village. He will aspire to great things as he has had one heck of a role model to teach him many life lessons in an abridged time. He will never forget the memories you have made for him and the great dad you have been.
Hallie - anything you need I am here for you. My thoughts and prayers are with all of you.
Cathy B.
Hallie,
My heart hearts for all of you. I have been following the blog and praying for you all. My hope was that the Lord would chose to heal Eric, but regardless of what he choses to do, I know he loves you and is there with you to hold you up and give you his strength and comfort. I don't understand all the suffering, but do know that if we have asked Jesus into our lives believe in him, we each have a beautiful home for eternity with no more pain and suffering. I can see Eric has a strong faith which has helped him get through this time. We will keep praying for all of you.
Much Love,
Judy & DeWayne
Hallie:
Our hearts truly ache for what you are enduring. We continue to pray for God's strength for all of you. Know that we absolutely think of you constantly and hold you in prayer so often each day. Yesterday Terry and I were remembering that wonderful brunch you and Eric treated us to after passing probation. Those are just one of many memories we will always cherish.
Our love to you, Hunter & Eric,
Terry & Liz Miller
Yes, there if often a withdrawing process they can go through. Tnere are some excellent books, but I don't have the names. Your hospice people should know.
Love you all,
LCS
Hallie,Its Krista Cooper Shiela our wonderful nail girls friend. Your family is in my Heart everyday and every moment.I hope you no you our my insperation to be a strong person in life. I take life to my fullest and i remenber each day just like you do.THANK YOU FOR THAT.Love Krista Cooper
Hallie and family,
I'm a friend of Eric's sister...a reader of your blog daily...and a friend lifting your family in prayer! I'm glad that my friend Jackie is able to share her experiences with you and to maybe light the path you are traveling down. She is an amazing person, use her, as she has "walked in your shoes," at least down a similar path.
My prayers are for peace for all of you, comfort for Eric, and strength for you Hallie. You are amazing...God bless you all!
Daune Abadie
Hallie,
My name is Gaye Cassidy. I have not met you but you may know of me as Diana's distant cousin from Melbourne, Australia.
I just wanted to say that despite the miles that separate us, you are always in our thoughts.
Our hearts go out to you,
Gaye
Dear Eric and Hallie,
May God give you both Peace on this Unknown Journey. I too keep Praying for a miracle. Eric you have given us such inspiration in your courage and strength, I will always remember it.
You were so Lucky to have found each other at such a young age and be able to share the Love you have for each other and Hunter.
Eric, Hallie and Hunter,
Sending you all our love, thoughts and prayers. You are such an amazing family. Thank you for sharing your stories with us and for being "real". Take care.
The Pina Family
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