A Few 1st.......

Well it has been six weeks today since Eric passed away. It is amazing how easy it is for me to keep tract of time, as each week passes. In my old normal life I would never be able to tell you how many weeks it had been since anything. As you can tell from the title I have a few 1st to discuss, things I did not think would be difficult. Last week I took Eric's car in for servicing, those of you who know Eric knew he loved his car. I only ever went with him to drive him home. All the people know him and knew the situation. I thought to myself this will be fine and it was all good until they asked what kind of oil I wanted in the car. The tears just started coming, I felt bad for the guy helping me I am sure it is not a usual reaction to a relatively easy question. Anyhow I did survive but just a little surprised. The other thing that has taken be by surprise is how difficult it has been to be with Eric's family. Since the funeral I have had one birthday party and this weekend I am in Arizona with Eric's family and sister April. You would think that after 24 years it would be like visiting my family. It's not that I am uncomfortable it's just another reminder that Eric is not here. I suppose it is the same for them seeing Hunter and myself with out Eric. When we talk about stories, reminisce about the days of past and even the silliness and laughter that comes with his family I can't help but to think about him and miss his presence. I just did not think that this was going to be as difficult as it has been. I know as with anything as time goes by it will be easier and the laughter and stories will be a way for Hunter and I to remember Eric without any sadness. I know that this year there will be alot of 1st, some of them I feel that I am prepared for and others I know will catch me off guard. With Valentine's day approaching many of you are thinking this may be difficult because it is a 1st and it is the day of Love. I am hoping that the day will go by as any other because everyday with Eric was Valentine's Day. We never really made a big fuss about what we called a "Hallmark Holiday" I think it should be fine but I could be caught off guard. I guess I won't know until it happens.

Until next time,
Lot's of Love
Hallie

Marriage

Sunday at church a couple renewed their wedding vows. This of course got me thinking about marriage and the vows we take. The union of marriage is sacred and all to often after a few years we forget what we said on that beautiful day. Lets take a look at those vows.

I, (Bride/Groom), take you (Groom/Bride), to be my (wife/husband), to have and to hold from this day forward, for better or for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish; from this day forward until death do us part.

As I sit here and blog I can say that Eric and I lived out each and every vow. I wish I could say this is exciting but obviously the death do us part things really stinks. We had our ups and downs especially after Hunter was born..... Eric gave me the talk at Home Depot (most people don't have life altering talks at the hardware store). We had times that were financially tough, in fact we were told by a church psychologist that our marriage would never make it because we had no money. I just love proving people wrong. I mean don't get me wrong having good paying jobs does make things a whole lot easier. We both had our times of being sick and healthy, we were pretty lucky because neither of us had many illnesses in our life. It was not until the brain cancer that we really had to deal with sickness. As the wife of a terminally ill husband I was honored to be able to take care of Eric. I could not imagine anyone else taking care of him. I only wish I could have done it for many more years. Of course we loved and cherished each other, Eric took amazingly good care of me. I am so lucky to have had a love like ours, many people never experience that kind of love but I am happy to say I did. I can honestly say Eric was the perfect husband. People often said we had a fairy tale love, one you only see in movies. All this being said and I did tell Eric this before he passed, even as awful as it is we actually got to live everyone of our vows. The good the bad......the happy the sad.....the sickness and health.....the death do us part.

As I noted before people often take for granted there vows, what it means to be a wife or husband. It takes work to be in a fairy tale, it does not come easily. I wish that everyone could have what I had with Eric. Don't let time go by and life stuff get in the way of your marriage. Take time to enjoy your spouse, make time for each other, relive your love each and everyday. From my own experience time is so precious and I can say with out any regrets that Eric and I had the perfect marriage and even though he his not physically here our love with last a life time. This is my wish for all of you.

This Only Parent Thing....and A Rat

So I am OK and most of the time doing OK, as time goes by I seem to be missing Eric more and more....I just want to talk to him and let him know what is happening, how my day has gone and all the crazy stuff that goes on. I really don't like taking care of the things Eric always did. I guess I will get used to some things like paying bills, going to the bank, doing the laundry.....other things I am not sure I will get used to like a RAT in the garage, picking up soggy dog..... or being an only parents. I really did not think about being an only parent, I thought a lot about other stuff but not about being the only one to be with Hunter and interact with him by myself. It is amazing how often I would tag team with Eric. It seemed just when I had enough, Eric would jump in an take over. It was seamless and worked out so well. Now here I am trying to take care off all this stuff, paperwork, phone calls, A RAT, cleaning Eric's office and then here comes my loving, energetic bundle of joy. Who by the way is going though his own emotions and adjustments. Sometimes I just want to scream....not at Hunter but at the situation. Eric knew right when I was at the point when I needed my own space and time to reflect on stuff. He would jump in and take over, now the questions is how do I do this only parent thing, making sure that Hunter's needs are being meet as well as my own? I don't really expect an answer from anyone...I am mostly just venting. Since like I noted in the beginning of this blog I can't talk to Eric and let him know how my day went.

Thanks for reading and now that my Internet is back up and working I will hopefully be here more often.

Lots of Love to all....

Things Eric did not Love.....

Here is another list only thought it fitting....again no particular order....enjoy

• trying new foods
• dirty hands
• eating at home
• me not finishing a project
• a dirty car
• dishes in the sink
• people saying one thing than doing another
• dumping trash into the outside can without a trash bag liner
• our old Midway City apartment and our neighbors
• people fussing over him
• fruits and vegetables
• rice
• pasta
• me biting my nails
• shopping
• sleeping with the TV on
• talking about ghost's
• doctors
• 72's
• Coco eating rabbit droppings
• rudeness
• cub scouts
• camping
• coffee
• sleeping in
• laying around the house
• lawn work
• me driving his car
• my soap opera
• short hair (only mine)
• too much make up
• lot's of noise or crazy stuff at our house
• Coco wandering the neighborhood
• spaghetti
• breakfast
• family drama
• traveling-or at least getting to and from
• watching TV
• people's stupidity- or lack of common sense
• people not returning his phone call
• laziness

Also I wanted to provide a link to the site that has all the pictures from before and during the funeral taken by the Riverside Fire Department. They are amazing...enjoy.

www.rivfiredepartment.blogspot.com/

Things Eric loved.....

I am writing a list of things that Eric loved to help me and of course for Hunter later in life. It is no particular order just thoughts....so enjoy.

• me and Hunter
• getting the mail
• wearing t-shirts and shorts
• Las Vegas
• Nestle Quik
• salt and vinegar chips
• Sweet Maui Onion chips
• watching sports
• playing sports
• Wahoo's fish taco
• meat and potatoes
• being funny
• reading
• playing baseball with Hunter
• financial planning
• dark chocolate
• See's candy-Bordeaux
• Kona's Longboard beer
• sarcasm
• taking care of the family
• his family
• my family
• mint chocolate chip ice cream-Breyers
• soft warm chocolate chips cookies
• techno music
• his Acura
• fire department
• the computer
• playing web-kinz on the computer
• eating
• his office
• the fire truck
• Disneyland
• roller coasters
• laughing
• tickling us
• his Dyson vacuum
• God
• burn notice
• doing the laundry
• fast food
• girl talk
• Christmas
• making sure I knew I was special
• checking my e-mail
• the sound of the ocean
• the sound of rain
• learning
• reading directions
• his short hair
• my long hair
• red hair
• Monday's-because we went back to school
• public speaking
• the dogs
• Bakers- (fast food)
• The Big Dude sandwich
• Station 13
• hugging & kissing
• coke
• clean house-messy office
• Monday night football
• Sunday night baseball
• Ken's thousand island dressing
• my long nails

I'm a What!!!!

That's right I am a widow.......As I reflect on what that means I am still a little unsure what exactly that means. I tried to explain it to Hunter and even that was difficult. Am I a Ms. or a Mrs.? Am I single? Do I take off my wedding ring? How to I fill out papers? What do I tell people. I still feel married, does that change? It is hard to believe that it has been almost 3 weeks. So many things go through my head about the past and the future. So many questions I ask myself hoping for some kind of answer, usually I am waiting for Eric's wisdom. Of course I guess I will just have to figure things out for myself. As I mentioned before it does seem like Eric is at work. I guess the benefit of being a firefighters wife is that I am used to being home alone with Hunter. I guess is some ways it is a blessing, other than I know I am not going to talk to him on the phone, I am used to being by myself. I know Eric is here and I do talk with him. Yesterday a penny hit my leg when I was sitting down. Pretty sure it was Eric he loved pennies. Anyhow all thing considered I feel like I am doing pretty good....except the questions that linger. It seems that Hunter is doing ok also.....I try and talk to him about Eric and I try and get him to express his feelings. At 10 it is obviously different than for a 40 year old widow.....I am sure he will struggle later when important things happen in his life. Fortunately for us he has a whole fire department that is ready to help try and make his life events memorable.

For those of you wondering I am going to keep the blog going....instead of Eric's unknown journey it is now our unknown journey. Thanks for reading and for all the support.

Lots of Love to all....

A Celebration of Life.....

We celebrated Eric's Life on Wednesday, January 6th 2010. It was by all accounts the most beautiful celebration one could ever hope for and certainly more than Eric would have ever expected. For those of you who were there I know you were as amazed as I was, the love and support was simply over whelming. It would have made a simple man like Eric proud. I am not sure how to explain everything but for those of you who weren't able to make it I will do my best. At about 10:15 the final call for Eric Botkin went over the loud speaker at station 1 and that is when it started. Hunter, Eric and myself headed down the street in the engine that Eric had spent so much time on. I am sure it was all to familiar to him but for Hunter and I it was a first and a bit overwhelming. We were driven my Eric's engineer Garrett and his Captain was in the Captain seat. As we drove down the street following the big pipe players and being followed by many others, people were on the street taking pictures and watching. I am sure they were wondering who was this person? We made it down the street to a sea of blue saluting the engine. It was simple amazing. After a short time we headed into the church to begin the service. The mass was more than I could of hoped for and I am so glad that it provided the comfort that I needed during this difficult time. Captain Markin was by my side each and every moment and of course Hunter. The songs were the hardest for me not only because they are my favorite but also because they were the songs at our wedding. The mass was what was to be expected but at the end was when the fire department did their part. Hunter and I received the medals, the flag and Hunter was given a fire helmet made just for him. The Final bell was rung, Taps was played and of course Amazing Grace was played on the bag pipes. It was simple amazing and I was at that very moment so proud to be the wife of a fire fighter......to a man who eventually gave his life to help others. When the service ended we headed to the reception. Eric's engine was in front followed by at least 35 others, it was a beautiful day and a beautiful sight to see. I am sure I have not given justice to the bigness of the event but hopefully the pictures can do a little of it for me.

You can also see the write up in the Press Enterprise by following this link.

Riverside firefighter gets a final farewell | Inland News | PE.com | Southern California News | News for Inland Southern California

The Final Breath

Ok I am going to write several blog's in a row each with a different piece of the last two weeks....that is right it has been two weeks since Eric's passing...I continue to wait for him to come home from work.

This blog is going to be about his final breath and the experience that came with that breath. So if you don't want to know than please stop reading and move onto the next blog, otherwise here it is.

As you all know Eric had a difficult time on the 26th and he started to take morphine and an anti-anxiety medicine. It took about 12 hours for him to settle down and for the medicine to take effect. Once the medicine took hold other than the breathing he was very peaceful. Eric had decided a few week before all this that his time here on earth was over and he was ready to move on and he was a little irritated that he was still here. On Christmas morning he woke up and said "why and I still here? " and "what is he waiting for?" The answer was of course...it is not your time yet. I believe that this acceptance and readiness to move to eternity was what made this transition so peaceful and easy for him. Ok so Eric was on oxygen since 3pm on the 27th and I am not sure it was helpful for him but it made us all feel very good. It was a very busy day with lots of family and friends over visiting Eric and trying to make my birthday somewhat ok. It settled down about 9:30 or so and we were all getting ready for bed. My mom, friend Christina, Eric's Uncle Phil, mother and our friend Steve from the fire department were here to support us. I blogged about 10ish or so and was tucking Hunter into bed. Eric's mom and I were standing next to Eric I was at the foot of the bed and Dianna was holding his hand. Steve was also in the room, Hunter had gotton up to go to the rest room. Everyone else was out of the room. Dianna looked at me and said I think he is not breathing.....I walked to his side and he took one last big breath and then just stopped breathing. Steve stepped over and looked for a pulse and then confirmed what we already knew. Eric was gone. Hunter came out of the bathroom and I had him come over to hug Eric and told him that daddy had passed. There were some tears from all but I think shock was the main emotion. Hunter and I sat next to Eric and held his hand and the song Edelweiss (The sound of Music) came on the TV. This was my grandfather, who passed away 30 years ago, favorite song. It was in a way comforting.....it was a sign that Eric was in heaven with my grandfather. Anyhow as I said before it was peaceful for Eric and it really did seem that he moved on without a fight. The family and friends were notified and so was the fire Department. Engine 13 came to the house and a flag ceremony was completed. The flag ceremony was just beautiful and so natural. It is exactly has it should have been. I have video and pictures but I am not sure it should be posted. So for now it will just stay private.

I hope this answers a few questions on his final breath......

The Celebration!

Today we celebrated my loving husbands life. It was so touching and wonderful. I am so tired I just can't put all my feelings down but I will as soon as possible. I did want to share a few pictures so please enjoy and thank you everyone for making it a moment we will never forget!

!

A Week later....

Well my license expired on my birthday and my husband is still gone. Being the wife of a firefighter there were occasions that Eric would be gone for several days or could be longer if on a wild fire. It almost seems like we are just waiting for him to return. Although I know this is not the case, the planning is in full swing and everything is coming together. Of course I only know this because my mom is keeping me posted on all the details and asking questions only when needed. The department and my mom have been working furiously on getting everything taken care of, so far there was only one small glitch but as always it seems to have worked out for the better. Some of you understand the grief I am in while others wonder why my mom is handling all the details. I put out the questions to those of you......How could I possibly? Why would I want to plan a funeral for the person whom I love the most? Not to mention I have a ten year old that needs my undivided attention. As I said before I feel like I am waiting for his return from work, if I plan a funeral than it must be real. So here it is 1:50 in the morning and I am not able to sleep, writing on Eric's blog, feeling some weird sort of catholic guilt about the funeral and wondering really how am I supposed to make decision about anything let alone finale farewell to the man I love the most.

So a BIG thank you to all of you who are putting in countless hours of planning and know that I am truly grateful for everything. To the RFD, my mom all all those involved I don't even know about. Thank you.