Well my license expired on my birthday and my husband is still gone. Being the wife of a firefighter there were occasions that Eric would be gone for several days or could be longer if on a wild fire. It almost seems like we are just waiting for him to return. Although I know this is not the case, the planning is in full swing and everything is coming together. Of course I only know this because my mom is keeping me posted on all the details and asking questions only when needed. The department and my mom have been working furiously on getting everything taken care of, so far there was only one small glitch but as always it seems to have worked out for the better. Some of you understand the grief I am in while others wonder why my mom is handling all the details. I put out the questions to those of you......How could I possibly? Why would I want to plan a funeral for the person whom I love the most? Not to mention I have a ten year old that needs my undivided attention. As I said before I feel like I am waiting for his return from work, if I plan a funeral than it must be real. So here it is 1:50 in the morning and I am not able to sleep, writing on Eric's blog, feeling some weird sort of catholic guilt about the funeral and wondering really how am I supposed to make decision about anything let alone finale farewell to the man I love the most.
So a BIG thank you to all of you who are putting in countless hours of planning and know that I am truly grateful for everything. To the RFD, my mom all all those involved I don't even know about. Thank you.
19 comments:
You are doing exactly what Eric would want you to do--taking care of yourself and Hunter. The funeral will be an amzing tribute to an amazing man but you made his life on Earth amazing. Let your Mom take care of this, it is her way of taking care of you. You are in my thoughts daily.
Heather
We are back at CHS after our 2-week break and very saddened to hear the news of Eric's passing. He was an amazing man through this trial and leaves behind a great legacy. You are amazing too, Hallie. Sharing your journey has inspired love, commitment, community and the importance of being there for each other no matter what may come our way. Know that we are here for you and thinking of you in saddness, love and sincerity,
Susan Gonzales
Hallie - it is with great sadness and regret that Julianna and I won't be able to get down there for the services. We both tried very hard to find a way to be there, but it just didn't work out for various reasons. Know that you and Hunter are in our hearts and minds, and that Eric was dear to us and one of a kind. We will miss him greatly and wish that we could have done more to ease your pain. We hope to find a way to see you when we are down in California next time if possible. Love to you both, The Seldons
Dear Hallie,
I just heard of Eric's passing. We send you & Hunter warm condolences and prayers. Unfortunately I am unable to attend Wednesday's services since I will be subbing at school. Thought it would be more important to have Hunter's teachers present. Please know you will be kept close in prayer. We are here to help in any way possible.
Love, Holly Wardrop & family
We all love you and are praying for you in this time of deep saddness and loss. You do what is best for you and Hunter and do not worry about anyone else. From one old Cathloic to another--- throw out the guilt and embrase the love and support. will be there for you and Hunter--- Love Claire & Sandy
Hallie-
No guilty feelings! Rule number 256 in the widow handbook. (Oh I wish I could give you a handbook of "how-to's") Please let this guilt go... unfortunately, it's one of the steps in grieving, but please let them plan the funeral. People DESPERATELY want to help... LET THEM! You don't have to be a hero to anyone, but Hunter. You are doing exactly what Eric would want you to do. It's an overwhelming day and you need to make as few decisions as possible.
I will be there Wednesday, and I can only hope you have a second so we can meet face to face.
Love and prayers,
Jackie
Hallie a great woman and wonderful mom who is doing all the right things that our lord above will guide you threw all of this as well as your strong son.Im so proud to call you my strong friend .
Hallie, I'm so sorry to hear about Eric's passing and it goes unsaid that he is in a much more peaceful place.
As far as the guilt, please know that Eric wouldn't want you to feel guilty about anything. You are amazingly strong and an awesome role model for Hunter.
See you Wednesday. I'm trying to remember the last crack I've seen so I can share with you. haha
Linda Townsend
Hallie, you were there for Eric when he really needed you, and that's all that matters. Try not to feel guilty over handing the rest to others who understand the pain you are feeling. You know that Eric would understand- and that is ALL that matters.
We are thinking and praying for you and Hunter as you get through the days ahead and beyond.
Much love,
Larry, Amy and Kelli Gabrielson
Hallie, I don't even know you but wish I could have half your strength and wisdom right now. I have cried over Eric and yours' story without even knowing the two of you. You truly have inspired love and support in me for my own marriage, although everyone is healthy right now. You are only human and that's all that is expected of you to be. Please don't be hard on yourself. You are so wise to focus on you and Hunter right now. I wish you comfort during this difficult time.
Hallie, a big hug to you. Unfortunately weddings, and funerals or any big event sometimes just brings out ugly behavior or expectations. You can only do what you can do. No one wants to plan a funeral, specially if it is for the love of your life. The day will not and does not have an impact on the life you shared with Eric. I am sorry you feel the catholic guilt, please don't. I know I am miles away I wish I could help. I know how you feel about waiting for Eric to return. It is easier for me to be here because my Mom was not here, but when I go to California, I just want her to be there. I feel like it is all just a nightmare. I know our loss is not the same, but I am trying to understand and relate. I know that the loss of your husband is not the same as your Mom, but both are such a great loss. You can only do what you can do, and if thoughts are not helpful then try to push them out of your head. Hugs to you and Hunter and your Mom and the firemen that are making this a bit easier. If you want to get away and you are always welcome to come here. You will forget everything, but how cold you are here. :-) Try to have an ok day, :-) Cindy Fojo
Hallie~
My blessings go out to you and Hunter. Feelings and reactions are a strange human condition that are most of the time inexplicable. I lost my brother a few years back to cancer and I was relieved to see his wife allow others to take care of the arrangements, while she processed and loved my niece (8 yrs. old). May you feel Eric's love shower upon you over the next few weeks and your lifetime. Your marriage and family was something EXTRAORDINARY to behold. God Bless you in your time of healing.
Jodi Spoon-Sadlon
Dear Hallie,
I was so saddened to hear of your great loss,know that you are thought of fondly and with heavy heart I am writing to you and Hunter letting you know that you are in my thoughts and prayers.I am so inspired by the love you shared.I thought of you the other day when I heard "Brown Eyed Girl" in my car and I just started to cry ,remembering every day that he would call you during lunch.I am praying for you and yours during this difficult time.
Sincerely,Diana P.
You are doing exactly what you are supposed to be doing!!! You are so lucky you have others to help you out in these final arrangements--just remember that there are others out here who want to help in the daily trials and chores you are going to go through. You are walking through "the valley" and only 1 person can help you through this valley--there is only one person, one spirit, one Christ, who can help you through this valley. No one on this earth can give you the comfort and love He can. Unfortunately, no one can walk this path for you (and I do so wish that I could); it is something that He has allowed to happend to you--for His own reasons. And you may never know what those reasons are. This is one of those things that is SO unfair!!! And, now Eric is with Him. When Monte died, I really felt that this mission on earth had been completed--even now I have no idea what that mission was, but I know it had been completed. Looking at the strength and faith Eric has displayed, I don't know his mission, but I can definitely say that the world is a much better place because Eric Botkin was in it.
Love you both so much--LCS
Hallie, continue to be your brave self. The numbness that takes hold of you after your most special man in the world dies is so paralyzing. But strange as it seems, know that it is a way of protecting you now. You are blessed to have your mother help you so much. She knows how much you are suffering and it grieves her heart. Embrace your son, remember with love the journeys you made together with Eric. Tomorrow is going to be a long day, be strong and cry too. It is okay. I lost my firefighter husband to brain cancer 4 years ago. Some days I can still hear his car pull into the driveway and I wait for his special whistle. I guess it is just his way of making sure I am still okay. You will have that too. Eric will always be with you. My prayers and thoughts go with you now,
Robin Sauls, Firefighter Cancer Support Network.
I work across the the street from the Catholic Church and watched the Firefighters practice for hours to make your husbands services perfect, which made me curious as to exactly who, what kind, and why was this service so important. We were given a notice of street closure and information (name only) of the person who died. I looked him up, watched the video, read most of his blog, and read some of the articles. This was truly a man of God, good will, and someone with a message. I thank you and him for making his blog public as a way of sharing and reminding us that no one will live forever and that understanding the things that matter the most are God's Love first, and our family and friends always. It was your husbands beautiful look on each day that captured my attention, but, More than that the peace (and sparkle) in his eyes in each photo. My prayers are with you and your family, and there is no other way you would be able to do what you are doing had it not been for the Humor, Love and Kindness you all maintained in your daily lives. What a wonderful Birthday!!!
Hallie, we met only briefly once or twice but as a fellow fire wife I have followed your story. My husband was moved to E13 when Eric left and so your story has been recapped after just about every shift. Today, I can only imagine how you must be feeling as we prepare to celebrate Eric's life. He was a wonderful guy (and I am glad I had the pleasure of meeting him) but I know he was so much more to you ... a husband always is and in a way only a wife can understand. You, of all people, do not have to explain your grieving process to ANYONE or feel guilty about ANY of your decisions. What would have to feel guilty about? Your decision was to love unconditionally forsaking all others (except Hunter :-), to comfort and stand by your husband through better and worse, in sickness and health, in sadness and in joy until death did you part and the whole time you cherished every moment. That takes unbelievable strength and deserves everyone's admiration. If you are worried about God judging you for not planning the funeral then cut yourself some slack because he's going to look at your life with Eric and all that you have done for him--especially in the last few years--and that is going to have far more weight than this one day Hallie. You've been amazing through this "unknown journey" and should let those who also cared deeply for Eric show their support and help comfort you through these very tough times. Let today not be about guilt but about celebrating, honoring and remembering. Peace be with you.
I'm terribly sorry about your loss. One of my cousins sent me a link to your blog and I can honestly say I feel your pain. I lost my wife to ovarian cancer on New Year's Eve. Tomorrow is the funeral. Nothing anyone does or says brings me comfort so I cry uncontrollably. I'm sure you share the same sentiments. You have my sincere condolences.
Hallie,
My deepest condolences for your loss. God spoke to me this weekend and put Hunter Botkin on my mind. I thought "I wonder how Hunter's dad is doing". Then I remembered you had a website, so I googled it, but I am too late! I wish I could have made it to the funeral. I wish I could have shown my support, sympathy, and appreciation for Eric, you and especially Hunter. I am so sorry for your loss. If there is anything I can do please let me know. missmichelle9@msn.com
Your in my thoughts and prayers, and with much love,
Michelle Boucher
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