Great Sadness!!

Eric Carl Botkin

4-11-68 to 12-27-2009

Fought a tough fight against cancer

Passes away peacefully surrounded by family and friends

10:30 pm

Unhappy Birthday!

Well as some of you know it is my 40th birthday today. I never thought that I would be going though something like this in my life let alone on my 40th birthday. Growing up my mom always made sure my birthday was special because it was so close to Christmas. As I sit to write this blog I wonder how the next 40 years could ever be special as I watch my husband die on my birthday. As we sit by his side, counting the seconds between breaths, watching his labored breathing and checking to see if he is warm enough. We have discussed things that I never thought I would have to discuss especially on my birthday. A representative is here from the Riverside fire (he happens to be a friend) in case he passes, they will be with him from now on. Everything is happening and I wish I could just hit pause.....

I think he will make it though the night but I will post as soon as I can. I know some of you are thinking ,she does not have to do this but for me it is a way to express myself and to give critical updates.

Love,

Hallie

A day I was not wanting....

It is with great sadness that I post this update.....Last night Eric took a turn for the worst. He did not do very well on Christmas day...refusing to eat or take any pills. About 12am (the 26th) I had to call the hospice nurse and ask for some morphine and anti-anxiety medicine. His pain was so bad and his restlessness that he was moaning and rolling around in agony. He just does not setting into a peaceful place. I have been consistent with the medicine every 2 hours and so far it seems that he starts to get very restless just about the 2 hour mark. I knew this day would come but like everyone else I was hoping that it would never make it.

Thank you for all your prayers and thoughts.....Eric is surrounded by love and we ask for continued prayers for Eric to have peace and rest.

It's been a few days....

Well I know the last post was a few days ago and some gentle reminding about this makes me come to the blog today to update and fill people in on the going's on in the Botkin house hold.

Eric-Well he continues to eat so this is a good sign. He sleeps most of the day, and likes me to be with him when I am home and really does not want me to leave the house. It makes him irritable . He is having more difficulty communicating which can be a challenge for me but almost impossible for anyone else. It seems as if he gets more restless in the evening hours so this makes it hard for me because I know this is not a good sign. He does not want to bathe, take his pills or do any kind of moving so it is a challenge to get him to do any of this. A little tough love from me or his sister gets him on the move. He often tells me no! no! no! but I really never listen anyhow so now is no different. I am feeling that he continues to decline but for today I believe that he is still fighting to be here and get though the holiday's.

Hunter- Well Hunter is on break from school for 2 week and is ready for Santa to visit. (hoping for one more year at least with that one). He is excited for Christmas even though we all this drama at home. I will have to say that it seems Hunter is handling all of this pretty well. He is a great kid and we are so lucky to have him.

Me-I have finished all the Christmas shopping and wrapping. Hunter was easy to shop for but as you can imagine Eric was a bit difficult. I took Hunter to the movies today and we saw Blindside. It was a great movie and nice to get out for a few hours. Eric was mad but it is also important that Hunter have some mommy time also. I have been wanting to see the movie and I am glad I did. So now it is time to get ready for Christmas.......

On a final note......I'm sure it is unimaginable having to go though the Christmas holiday with Eric being so sick. On one hand it is just awful but as I was thinking about the situation I realized that God has worked a miracle for us and for me. If Eric was in the situation any other time of the year I would be sitting here in our bedroom unable to leave just waiting for him to die. I know that sounds awful......but since Christmas is here and we have a ten year old it is a little difficult not to celebrate the holiday. Even though it just won't be the same I am excited because Hunter is excited. Today he received a letter from Santa and his eyes sparkled. This sparkle is what is helping me get though the holiday season. So please remember us on this very important day but celebrate the gift of Jesus and live though the sparkle of a child's eyes.

One more final note.....the picture that you see at the top of the blog is a charcoal drawing done by a friend of mine. I have attached her website.....her work is fantastic and her husband is the photographer who did our pictures. Such a blessing to have a piece of art like this a memory that will be forever treasured.

www.charcoalsbydawnmarie.com

Dawn Reza and Jim....

God bless & Merry Christmas,

Hallie

I hate this....

I just hate this....I hate.....

.....telling people that Eric is not doing well

.....that Eric may not be aware of Christmas or my 40th Birthday

.....that I have to plan a funeral

.....that Eric will not be here for all the important events in Hunter's life

.....that his family lives in Arizona

.... that I did not feel like putting up ALL my Christmas decorations

..... that things are different

.....that Eric is not in our bed

.....that Eric is not getting out of bed

.....that people don't know what to say

.....that I have gained a lot of weight and just keep eating

.....that people make excuses for my weight gain because of the situation

.....that I have a 10 year old that may or may not understand the situation even though we have talked to him the whole time

.....that Hunter and I will never get to vacation with Eric again

.....that I have to think about a funeral

.....that the word funeral has the word FUN in it ...Really

.....that I have to be strong even when I don't want to be

....and that people tell me it's ok to cry......as if I don't know this

.....that we will never get to play rock band or guitar hero until midnight anymore

.....that Eric is not doing well and getting worse each day

.....that we can't go to the movies as a family together

.....that Disneyland will just not be the same with out Eric

.....that I have to live without Eric

.....that weird things make me cry especially in stores

.....that Eric will never get to see Burn Notice,Iron Chief America, or baseball games again

.....that we can't laugh for no reason

.....that Eric won't be here for me to complain to about anything

.....and that he can't give me advice

.....that I have to take care of the finances

.....that people feel sorry for me

.....that Eric will not be there to guide Hunter though all his man moments

.....that Eric would be able to watch hunter play baseball

.....that people tell me that Eric will always be here in spirit....it's just not the same

.....finally that Eric is dying and I can't fix it........

Another Day....

I just wanted put put up a quick update about Eric and the going's on in the Botkin house. First off you can imagine the calls and visitors, it is nice to have so much support during this difficult time. Eric continues to fight each day with faith and a sense of humor, so sarcastic even when he fills yucky. He continues to make me laugh which of course helps me get though the day. No big changes in his condition except I found out today after 17 years of being married that he likes his feet massaged.....who know! Well maybe that's too much info.....Anyhow Hunter is finishing his last few days at school and getting ready to be off for 2 weeks. I hope Santa is good to him, he has way to much energy to not be busy when not in school. He can run circles around the best of us..... I have almost finished our Christmas cards.....what a job. I send 100+ cards out each year and it gets bigger each year. I should be finished soon and can check another thing off the to do list.

Finally I wanted to say great job to my students @ CHS for their beautiful chorus performance. I was able to sneak out for a few hours and I enjoyed watching them in all their glory. The standing "O" was fantastic and they all made me proud!

On the lighter side...

Another reason the crank bed is no good....When Eric drops his toast and it falls onto the far side of the bed....I can raise the bed (automatically) so that our big dog Cece can clean up the fallen food. If I had to hand crank the bed Cece would still be staring at the toast.

Family and Friends

Well it has been fun weekend with family and friends. First we celebrated Christmas with Eric's mom and family on Saturday (a usual tradition for us) and had lots of laughs while enjoying each others company. I am so blessed to have an in-law family that I enjoy spending time with. It certainly would make a difficult situation more stressful if we had troubled relations. Anyhow, it was great to share stories and memories of the past and we all had a few laughs. Eric was in good form for the festivities so it made the celebration all the better. Although I guess it really wore him out because he slept most of today which is a downer. He was so tired that he did not eat as well as I would have liked although he did eat the BIG bowl of ice cream which is his favorite part of the day.

As you can see from the picture Eric had a few visitors today. His friends from Fountain Valley High School. Neil from Washington, Mark and Scott from the O.C. (Dan also from Washington could not make it ). Eric was resting his eyes for most of the visit but as they reminisced of the good old days Eric would often sit up and laugh. It is so funny to see these men get together and enjoy each other as if they just got out of high school. Of course since I have been in Eric's life since the good old days I am familiar with the stories and the comedy that this group brings when they are together. It is not often that you have a group of male friends that stay together and continue to be friends some 20 years later. They truly are an awesome group of friends. Unfortunately it was probably the last time they will get together with Eric. For me the hardest part of the visit was the good bye because I felt as if I was saying goodbye to my friends also. Of course I know that these friends will continue to be in mine and Hunter's life later it just brought up emotions that I have not thought about as of yet. Eric's friends are really saying good forever not just until next time. Hope I did not make everyone cry.....but it was something that just needed to be said out loud.

Up's and Down's

So it has been two days since I last posted something and each time I put something up I really want it to be that a miracle has occurred and Eric is on the way to recovery. Unfortunately that is not the case, Eric continues to decline, he is weaker by the day, eating less, communicating less and tonight he has moved into the hospital bed. I am not sure why he moved into the bed but it does not seem like a good thing. I have prepared myself for this moment but I was hoping that it would not be so soon. It is interesting to watch him go though this process, I have noticed a few things so just bare with me as I have not verbalized this before. 1st as I watch Eric's health decline it is almost as if he is reverting back to being a baby. Is this what it is like for anyone who goes though a health issue like this? He stopped walking, eating is a challenge, rest rooming issues, bathing ect. It is almost like a reversal of birth and living. Secondly I wonder if we innately prepare to die. Do we start to do things to prepare others or ourselves for the day. If anyone has ever had an animal get sick and die there is a process and it is as if they and you know what is happening. As I watch Eric it seems as if he is beginning to do things (like leaving our bed) to prepare me for what is to come. If nothing else it is yet another thing to think about and again something I never thought I would ever have to ponder.

The new bed...

So we did get the new bed and it is much better than the first. (I will load pictures later) We decided thanks to all your help and information and of course Eric's wishes to put the bed upstairs. He is not currently using the bed and still feels comfortable in our bed so that is where he will stay until the time comes to have him in the hospital bed. I bought a small tree for the room and have converted it into a bedroom/family room/study room and have decorated it with a few Christmas items. It looks pretty good and it is clean!

Eric is doing about the same...sleeps alot but is still eating and drinking. He is able to socialize with visitors and just shuts his eyes if he gets tired. He told me today that he is just trying to make it until January 1, 2010. He knows his time is near and tells me that by holding up his finger and looking to the sky. I am not sure what he is looking at but he just says "not today but its getting close, maybe tomorrow". He also told my friend that he will see them on the other side but that he could not take them and they would just have to fight it our here. Although I can say this now (who knows about later)...There is some comfort in the fact that he is ready to go and knows that we will be ok here on earth. I am sure his faith in God and mine is what allows us to have the strength to get though. (remember I said it is easier to say this now and who know about later.)