Disneyland......another 1st....

Well today Hunter and I went to Disneyland with some friends, another 1st without Eric. It was the 1st time we have gone without Eric, we used to go all the time. Last year in November we went and spent a few days while Eric was still able, he always wanted to stay at the Grand Californian so we made a big deal of our trip. It was his last vacation and ours with him. The memories were great and I am so glad that we had the opportunity to make such great memories. Today's trip was also wonderful spending the day with Hunter and friends but it was hard not to think about all the good times we had spent there as a family. It seems that no matter where we turned I remembered something about us as a family and the fun we always had while there. It was a difficult day but at the same time I was happy to be spending the day with Hunter and watching the joy in his eyes. Another turning point for us, doing things as a family, our new family. As I watched the fireworks I wondered if Eric was watching from above and if they looked the same for him or if there were even more spectacular from Heaven. Funny how my thoughts on the fireworks were so different than before, I guess that happens alot when I do things for the 1st time. I am happy that I was able to get though another 1st and maybe the next trip to Disneyland will be even better and easier.

Hockey and the Holiday's

Today I went to my first hockey game without Eric, those you who have known us know that this was something Eric and I loved to do. Before Hunter was born and before we moved we had a mini plan and went to many hockey games. We both loved the game and loved sharing it together. We loved it so much that we decided that Hunter was going to be a hockey player, even his nursery was all hockey. Then Hunter decided that he loved baseball, we moved to Temecula and are lives got busy so hockey was put on the back burner. It was great going to the game, not sad, I remembered all the good times we had and it brought back good memories. It was a first that was not bad at all and I am looking forward to going to more games and enjoying this sport with Hunter, yes he likes it too!

Well that brings me to the holiday part.....As Thanksgiving approaches I wonder how it will be for the next 5 weeks. Everybody is concerned about us, well I am concerned about us too. Hunter seems to be moving though the thought of the season as he always did, making his list, excited to be with family and of course time off from school. I on the other hand wonder how I can listen to Christmas music, shop, decorate the house and honestly deal with the family. I also know that I am approaching the one year mark, another year older and my 1st year without Eric. I know that in the end we will all be fine some times will be difficult and other times will not. Like the rest of the year we will just get though and continue moving forward. I wonder as the years pass will I ever have a different attitude? I hope that I will but for now I will do my best to make sure Hunter is happy and I will try to just get though the season with as much grace as possible. I thank all of you in advance for your support, prayers and love....without it we would be lost.

Love,

Hallie

Life's Purpose....

Courage, integrity, honor, loyalty, brave, happy, and a great sense of humor were just a few of the words that described Ryan Bonaminio, a riverside police officer killed in the line of duty. He would have been 29 on Thanksgiving another young person taken from this world at such a young age. I did not know this young man but felt that I needed to be at his service to show my support and for my own personal reasons. It was an amazing service, so much love and even though he only lived a short time here on earth he truly made a mark in this world and the people who knew him were blessed.

As I reflect on his life and that of my own husband I think of the words Eric would all to often say "We are here for a purpose greater than who we are....once we achieve our purpose it is time to go home to God." A similar statement was also made today at Ryan's service. Some of us will never know why we are here or what are purpose is but to live your lives to the fullest potential and contribute something positive is a small but meaningful goal. So as you live each day think about the difference and impact you may have on someones else's life. Live each day to it's fullest potential you may never know what your purpose here on Earth is but know that you are making a difference in someones life.

Love,

Hallie

Another Death....Another Funeral

Another tragedy has struck the City of Riverside Fire Department, a firefighter was shot and killed by a crazed person last week. This is a story we all too often see on the T.V. but we usually change the channel and think "Thank God" it wasn't someone we knew and loved. Nick was a great person who we knew and loved, and he will be missed a great deal. Tomorrow we will celebrate his life and mourn his loss, it will be a difficult day for all involved. Tomorrow will also be my first funeral, my first firefighter funeral and the first time I have been back in the church where Eric's service was held. This funeral will have an additional impact on me as I relive my own loss while dealing with the emotion of another young person taken in the prime of their life. So the obvious question is why would this happen, why would God take another person from our lives so early, what does it all mean? No one really has the answer but as I have done many times in the past, I have to put my faith in God, that He knows what's right and this is all part of His plan. As I prepare for tomorrow I will be putting my faith in God and turning to Him that He can get me though this terrible day with grace and the strength not to question why.

God Bless,

Hallie

Rest In Peace

Nick Barrios

July 26, 1969 - October 31, 2010.

A kind, gentle, wonderful father, son, brother & friend loved by so many. Taken long before you should have been and never forgotten.

A New Season.....

Seasons change, people come into our lives and people go but it is comforting to know that the people you love are always is your heart.

A I reflect on the last 10 months I think about all the change that has occurred, the people who have come and gone in my life and what it all means. Ever since Eric got sick I look for signs of why this is happening, why is someone in my life or why have they vanished. Everything has a purpose, a plan, an intended outcome. This plan is driven by our destiny which is all God's plan. I hold onto this concept which helps me get though each day. Lately I have been spending time thinking about the people in my life and what each person brings. Some may be people I don't even know but they smile just when I need it the most. Others offer comfort, support, guidance, encouragement, advice and much more. I guess my point is that life is always changing just like the seasons, people come and go and whether you are in my life for the long haul or just passing though I thank you for helping me change and grow though this difficult time. Helping me gain a better focus of life and helping me try to make sense of it all.

Love,

Hallie

Sacramento Memorial

This past weekend we had the opportunity to celebrate and honor Eric at the Fallen Firefighters Memorial in Sacramento. It was a beautiful ceremony, it felt as if it were just for Eric but there were 31 firefighters being honored. It was very emotional for all of us (I had 21 family and friends), I am not sure if it was just being there, the fact that this was the last time for such a ceremony or a little of both. It is very difficult to explain the experience all I know is that I feel privileged to have been married to someone who put his life on the line for the sake of others. I know Eric would not have changed a thing, he loved being a firefighter/ paramedic and I am glad that we were able to honor him in such a beautiful service. I wanted to thank Riverside City Fire for taking good care of us last weekend, the honor guards from all over California for their service, the Fire Foundation for all their hard work and to all the family and friends who were able to share this event with us and to be there to support Hunter and myself. We truly appreciate everything.

I have a video of a speech about Eric, it was read by his engineer Garret and written by Garret and Eric's captain Bob. It was beautiful, unfortunately I am having problems getting it on the blog. I will try again later.

Love to all,

Hallie

Who am I?

Each and every one of has a title, something that defines who we are or what we do. Most of have many title's mom, sister, teacher, wife, vegan, homemaker and so on. It is the title that defines who we are or what we do. During the last 9 months my titles have changed and who I am is being defined all over again. This seems to be the conversation I am continually having with myself. Who am I? I was a wife, mother, teacher, daughter and so on. It was pretty clear who I was and what I was doing with my life. Now I am a widow, mother, daughter, but who am I? I have come to a place in which I have decided to figure out who I am and what my role is now. Being with Eric for 25 years left us as one person, which was easy and wonderful. Now I need to define who I am as a single person a person who has to make decisions and be an independent thinker. I don't feel that I need to do this for some societal necessity but for Hunter and myself. This part of my growing while grieving is a positive step and I am looking forward to redefining who I am and what the rest of my life will look like.

Thank you to those who will be a part of my growing and redefining who I am.

Love,

Hallie

Interesting Quote

I found this Quote in a book, just thought it was interesting with some truth.

"When life offers you a dream so far beyond any of your expectations, it's not reasonable to grieve when it comes to an end."

I am certainly not saying that I am not grieving just that it is an interesting way of looking at something so terrible. As many of you know, I did feel I had a dream so far beyond my expectations and I am so thankful that I found that dream, some people never have what Eric and I had. It helps me to remember to celebrate our life together and not focus on the loss.

Happy Anniversary My Love, My Life, My Soulmate

Dear Eric,

Today would have been our 18th year anniversary, it seems like it was yesterday. I remember you crying at our wedding and I wiped your tears. Actually I believe that almost everyone was crying. When we decided to get married I was so excited. It is not often that you find a love like ours, it was truly a fairy tale a " Once upon a time" story. I knew we would be married forever and when we took our vows I never thought that the "till death do us part" would happen while we were so young. It was a magical day and one I will never forget. I am so thankful we had all those years together, 25 years including dating. It has been 8 months now, I miss you so, the emptiness in my heart actually hurts.

Much has happened since that terrible day in December, but we have continued to move forward one step at a time. Hunter and I have been busy trying to keep the normal routine, it seems that has been somewhat helpful. Hunter played his 1st season of baseball without you there, it was hard and at 1st and he did not want to play but after a nice talk with Coach he did better. I tried to remember to ask him what was one good thing he did and one thing he needed to work on after each game, like you always did. Sometimes I forgot "Sorry". Hunter and I also continued the tradition of Spring training and ball park tours. We saw the Angels in March and Hunter had a blast. He got three balls form players and a bunch of signatures. We have also visited 3 ballpark of course one was Fenway. You would have loved it. April and Morgan went with us and we celebrated Hunters 11th Birthday at the game. I even had a "Happy Birthday" message in the jumbo-tron.

In January we are going to enter our name in a lottery to sit on the Green Monster, we will see. In April we went to Seattle for Easter, it was nice seeing Jamie and her family. You would have loved all the rain. We had dinner with Neil, April and 9 of the kids and Hunter fell in love with the kids. So we went back before school started so that he could have a sleep over, it was so much fun for him. I know if we lived closer they would be a big part of our family. Neil was such a wonderful friend and Hunter has bonded with a few of the boys. It reminds me of you and the relationship you had with all the laughs and fun. Also in April my parents sold their house so that they could be closer to us. They stayed in our house for a few months and just moved into their new house. It is nice having them closer especially since your gone. I did not realize how much easier it was having a two parents household. Even when you weren't feeling great I always knew I could say tag and you would take over for me. My folks also got a new puppy named Sherman, you know the one that my mom has been telling Cricket about for 3 years. He is so cute and has wormed his way into our hearts. Cece is great with him and Coco just tries to ignore him. Cece really has been a blessing for me and I just wanted to thank you again for getting her for me. I love her so and she loves me back. I take her to Hunters practices and when I take her in the car she wears her doggles. She does not love them but she wears them. People often take pictures of her and it make me smile. We have continued our travels, making memories just like last summer. We went back to Kona Village and we stayed with Kirk, Tracie and Gizmo. It was really special being there and I felt really close to you, it was great. I wish I had that feeling all the time it was very special, I know you loved it there also, maybe that is why I could feel you there. As I mentioned before we went to Boston and toured the city it was not as busy as New York and a little more family friendly. We had fantastic food, that you would have loved. It was fun being with your sister and Morgan they remind me of you and how you would get grumpy if you did not eat. We made sure we always had a full stomach.

Well school starts tomorrow and Hunter will be int he 6th grade, I can't believe he is in middles school. He is very smart just like you and very social just like me. My goal this year is to help him to stay focused and organized in school. This was something you were always good at, I hope I have learned enough from you to continue in your path. We changed your office around and painted, so Hunter has a nice place to complete his homework. He likes being in your office and we call it the "man cave".

As for me I am continuing to put my trust in God, that he knows what he is doing. Sometimes it is hard but I continue to follow your example. He must know why Hunter and I have to continue on this plant without you. It is really just not seem fair. I continue to have sleep issues at night, that is my most difficult time. I am hoping that after I start exercising I will start sleeping better. Not a moment goes by that I don't think of you, every time I look at Hunter or he flashes me that million dollar smile I think of you. He is so much like you, always positive easy going, a bit sarcastic and usually pretty funny. He has been very good during this difficult time. I am so thankful for him. He makes it easier to get up in the morning. You would be very proud of him, he is truly your son.

Hunter and I look for pennies all the time, I know when we find one it is from you. I know you are watching over us and protecting us. I am thankful for that I just wish it did not hurt so much. Our life will never be quite the same without you here. I wish that this letter would get a response from you but I know that there is no e-mail in heaven. I will continue to look for signs that you are with us. I will always love you.

Your wife and true love,

Hallie

Camp Widow

Hello,

I know it has been some time since my last post and I am sorry about that. I am always thinking about what to write and then time just slips by. I always know it is time when others e-mail or call to see if everything is ok. This blog for them is a way of connecting to me without having to actually ask....How are you doing? How is Hunter etc.... Of course it is a way for me to discuss feeling, emotions and activities without having to worry about what others are thinking and if I am saying too much. It really is a wonderful tool and one I am thankful to have in my situation. The Internet has opened me up to a group of other widows and widowers, many who blog about their experiences, others are my facebook friends and now a few of us are moving into a new place, a place where friendships are developing though our tragedy. I certainly don't feel lucky but I do feel fortunate to have found this online support network .

A few weekends ago I went to a conference called "Camp Widow" it was in San Diego and I was able to meet many of my online friends. It was a very emotional experience for all of us. Some of us had lost our loved ones within the year and others it had been longer, much longer. There were many many women who are my age and younger with young children and others who are older with grown children. The one thing we all had in common was we have all lost our spouse. It was the first time for me to be in a room of people and not feel like I am the odd one, the one who lost her husband. We were all in the same "club" like it or NOT. We were all able to laugh and death jokes and cry at the same time. We all understood each others weird sense of humor and understood each others grief. Each and everyone of us knew exactly what the other was feeling, this great sense of loss.

This program was put on by an organization called Soaring Spirits Loss Foundation

http://www.sslf.org/ it was started by a women, Michele H and her friend Michelle D, who also lost their husbands. Michele H gave the keynote speech and it was truly inspiring. She said that our life can be compared to rock climbing. We all are some where in this pit trying to make our way out of the grief. Sometimes we are able to climb up, other times we have to go sideways in order to go forward and sometimes we fall back to the bottom. Each and everyone of us in in a different place and those of us who have made it to the top are able to help pull others to the top. When I was listening to her I could actually see this picture she was painting and I was able to connect with her thoughts on the process of grieving. It feels so right on, sometimes I feel just that way. I may be moving up, falling down or just going sideways. I have a linked a copy of what Michele said, so please take a look and if you know anybody who what benefit from this site or from SSLF please pass along the information. It is nice to know that I have a support network who knows exactly what I am going though and I can turn to them any time of the day or night.

http://widowsvoice-sslf.blogspot.com/2010/08/foot-holds.html

Thank you all for your support and friendship,

Hallie