What Dead is Forever.........

Ok really I know the answer to this statement......but REALLY I am so over it. I am ready for Eric to come home and take care of stuff. I really don't like handling everything, dead car batteries, tax season, paying bills, handling Hunters emotional issues (Eric was really much better at these things than I am). I just need Eric to come and tell me what to do and give me his advice. I have had enough of him being gone. As I was talking with his mom we realized that as the days pass it is not getting easier...it is actually getting harder. We are all ready for him to return and since we know he is not the harsh reality of what is actually happening is hitting home. It really just sinks and I feel like half of who I am is gone. I have always been a very independent type person but at the end of the day I always relied on Eric to be the man and take care of all the stuff. To take care of the family, to make the decisions that needed to be made and to provide me with the advice that would help me make the right decisions in life. Sometimes you just don't realize how much your better half does until you are left to it all on your own. All I know it this is getting old and I am ready for Eric to return. I hope as time passes this harsh reality will be a little less painful.

Love,

Hallie

Happy Valentine s Day

Happy Valentines Day......I hope everyone is having a wonderful day. Like I said before this was never really an important day for Eric and I so this 1st has not been too difficult. Although Hunter and I are in Iowa....frezeeing......so maybe the good company we are with helps the potential pain be less. Also with advice from my mother Hunter made it special for me....a simply rose and a beautiful card. OK so I said we are in Iowa, visiting friends, Hunter meet his first real friend, Isabella, at 18 months and they have been friends for 9 years. As a matter of fact their 1st play date was making Valentines Day cookies together. Obviously I became best friends with the mom and than our husbands also became great friends. Brandy and Jose have walked with us though many journeys and us with them. Since I have to endure this 1st I am glad that I am not alone.....I can't think of a better way to spend this potentially painful holiday with my BFF and her amazing family. Hunter an I are grateful, not only for the Rodriguez family, but for all the friends that have been so wonderful during the last 7 weeks.....and 2 years. I hope that everyone is with that special person or person's on this special day.

Lot's of Love
Hallie

A Few 1st.......

Well it has been six weeks today since Eric passed away. It is amazing how easy it is for me to keep tract of time, as each week passes. In my old normal life I would never be able to tell you how many weeks it had been since anything. As you can tell from the title I have a few 1st to discuss, things I did not think would be difficult. Last week I took Eric's car in for servicing, those of you who know Eric knew he loved his car. I only ever went with him to drive him home. All the people know him and knew the situation. I thought to myself this will be fine and it was all good until they asked what kind of oil I wanted in the car. The tears just started coming, I felt bad for the guy helping me I am sure it is not a usual reaction to a relatively easy question. Anyhow I did survive but just a little surprised. The other thing that has taken be by surprise is how difficult it has been to be with Eric's family. Since the funeral I have had one birthday party and this weekend I am in Arizona with Eric's family and sister April. You would think that after 24 years it would be like visiting my family. It's not that I am uncomfortable it's just another reminder that Eric is not here. I suppose it is the same for them seeing Hunter and myself with out Eric. When we talk about stories, reminisce about the days of past and even the silliness and laughter that comes with his family I can't help but to think about him and miss his presence. I just did not think that this was going to be as difficult as it has been. I know as with anything as time goes by it will be easier and the laughter and stories will be a way for Hunter and I to remember Eric without any sadness. I know that this year there will be alot of 1st, some of them I feel that I am prepared for and others I know will catch me off guard. With Valentine's day approaching many of you are thinking this may be difficult because it is a 1st and it is the day of Love. I am hoping that the day will go by as any other because everyday with Eric was Valentine's Day. We never really made a big fuss about what we called a "Hallmark Holiday" I think it should be fine but I could be caught off guard. I guess I won't know until it happens.

Until next time,
Lot's of Love
Hallie

Marriage

Sunday at church a couple renewed their wedding vows. This of course got me thinking about marriage and the vows we take. The union of marriage is sacred and all to often after a few years we forget what we said on that beautiful day. Lets take a look at those vows.

I, (Bride/Groom), take you (Groom/Bride), to be my (wife/husband), to have and to hold from this day forward, for better or for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish; from this day forward until death do us part.

As I sit here and blog I can say that Eric and I lived out each and every vow. I wish I could say this is exciting but obviously the death do us part things really stinks. We had our ups and downs especially after Hunter was born..... Eric gave me the talk at Home Depot (most people don't have life altering talks at the hardware store). We had times that were financially tough, in fact we were told by a church psychologist that our marriage would never make it because we had no money. I just love proving people wrong. I mean don't get me wrong having good paying jobs does make things a whole lot easier. We both had our times of being sick and healthy, we were pretty lucky because neither of us had many illnesses in our life. It was not until the brain cancer that we really had to deal with sickness. As the wife of a terminally ill husband I was honored to be able to take care of Eric. I could not imagine anyone else taking care of him. I only wish I could have done it for many more years. Of course we loved and cherished each other, Eric took amazingly good care of me. I am so lucky to have had a love like ours, many people never experience that kind of love but I am happy to say I did. I can honestly say Eric was the perfect husband. People often said we had a fairy tale love, one you only see in movies. All this being said and I did tell Eric this before he passed, even as awful as it is we actually got to live everyone of our vows. The good the bad......the happy the sad.....the sickness and health.....the death do us part.

As I noted before people often take for granted there vows, what it means to be a wife or husband. It takes work to be in a fairy tale, it does not come easily. I wish that everyone could have what I had with Eric. Don't let time go by and life stuff get in the way of your marriage. Take time to enjoy your spouse, make time for each other, relive your love each and everyday. From my own experience time is so precious and I can say with out any regrets that Eric and I had the perfect marriage and even though he his not physically here our love with last a life time. This is my wish for all of you.