Happy Anniversary My Love, My Life, My Soulmate

Dear Eric,

Today would have been our 18th year anniversary, it seems like it was yesterday. I remember you crying at our wedding and I wiped your tears. Actually I believe that almost everyone was crying. When we decided to get married I was so excited. It is not often that you find a love like ours, it was truly a fairy tale a " Once upon a time" story. I knew we would be married forever and when we took our vows I never thought that the "till death do us part" would happen while we were so young. It was a magical day and one I will never forget. I am so thankful we had all those years together, 25 years including dating. It has been 8 months now, I miss you so, the emptiness in my heart actually hurts.

Much has happened since that terrible day in December, but we have continued to move forward one step at a time. Hunter and I have been busy trying to keep the normal routine, it seems that has been somewhat helpful. Hunter played his 1st season of baseball without you there, it was hard and at 1st and he did not want to play but after a nice talk with Coach he did better. I tried to remember to ask him what was one good thing he did and one thing he needed to work on after each game, like you always did. Sometimes I forgot "Sorry". Hunter and I also continued the tradition of Spring training and ball park tours. We saw the Angels in March and Hunter had a blast. He got three balls form players and a bunch of signatures. We have also visited 3 ballpark of course one was Fenway. You would have loved it. April and Morgan went with us and we celebrated Hunters 11th Birthday at the game. I even had a "Happy Birthday" message in the jumbo-tron.

In January we are going to enter our name in a lottery to sit on the Green Monster, we will see. In April we went to Seattle for Easter, it was nice seeing Jamie and her family. You would have loved all the rain. We had dinner with Neil, April and 9 of the kids and Hunter fell in love with the kids. So we went back before school started so that he could have a sleep over, it was so much fun for him. I know if we lived closer they would be a big part of our family. Neil was such a wonderful friend and Hunter has bonded with a few of the boys. It reminds me of you and the relationship you had with all the laughs and fun. Also in April my parents sold their house so that they could be closer to us. They stayed in our house for a few months and just moved into their new house. It is nice having them closer especially since your gone. I did not realize how much easier it was having a two parents household. Even when you weren't feeling great I always knew I could say tag and you would take over for me. My folks also got a new puppy named Sherman, you know the one that my mom has been telling Cricket about for 3 years. He is so cute and has wormed his way into our hearts. Cece is great with him and Coco just tries to ignore him. Cece really has been a blessing for me and I just wanted to thank you again for getting her for me. I love her so and she loves me back. I take her to Hunters practices and when I take her in the car she wears her doggles. She does not love them but she wears them. People often take pictures of her and it make me smile. We have continued our travels, making memories just like last summer. We went back to Kona Village and we stayed with Kirk, Tracie and Gizmo. It was really special being there and I felt really close to you, it was great. I wish I had that feeling all the time it was very special, I know you loved it there also, maybe that is why I could feel you there. As I mentioned before we went to Boston and toured the city it was not as busy as New York and a little more family friendly. We had fantastic food, that you would have loved. It was fun being with your sister and Morgan they remind me of you and how you would get grumpy if you did not eat. We made sure we always had a full stomach.

Well school starts tomorrow and Hunter will be int he 6th grade, I can't believe he is in middles school. He is very smart just like you and very social just like me. My goal this year is to help him to stay focused and organized in school. This was something you were always good at, I hope I have learned enough from you to continue in your path. We changed your office around and painted, so Hunter has a nice place to complete his homework. He likes being in your office and we call it the "man cave".

As for me I am continuing to put my trust in God, that he knows what he is doing. Sometimes it is hard but I continue to follow your example. He must know why Hunter and I have to continue on this plant without you. It is really just not seem fair. I continue to have sleep issues at night, that is my most difficult time. I am hoping that after I start exercising I will start sleeping better. Not a moment goes by that I don't think of you, every time I look at Hunter or he flashes me that million dollar smile I think of you. He is so much like you, always positive easy going, a bit sarcastic and usually pretty funny. He has been very good during this difficult time. I am so thankful for him. He makes it easier to get up in the morning. You would be very proud of him, he is truly your son.

Hunter and I look for pennies all the time, I know when we find one it is from you. I know you are watching over us and protecting us. I am thankful for that I just wish it did not hurt so much. Our life will never be quite the same without you here. I wish that this letter would get a response from you but I know that there is no e-mail in heaven. I will continue to look for signs that you are with us. I will always love you.

Your wife and true love,

Hallie

Camp Widow

Hello,

I know it has been some time since my last post and I am sorry about that. I am always thinking about what to write and then time just slips by. I always know it is time when others e-mail or call to see if everything is ok. This blog for them is a way of connecting to me without having to actually ask....How are you doing? How is Hunter etc.... Of course it is a way for me to discuss feeling, emotions and activities without having to worry about what others are thinking and if I am saying too much. It really is a wonderful tool and one I am thankful to have in my situation. The Internet has opened me up to a group of other widows and widowers, many who blog about their experiences, others are my facebook friends and now a few of us are moving into a new place, a place where friendships are developing though our tragedy. I certainly don't feel lucky but I do feel fortunate to have found this online support network .

A few weekends ago I went to a conference called "Camp Widow" it was in San Diego and I was able to meet many of my online friends. It was a very emotional experience for all of us. Some of us had lost our loved ones within the year and others it had been longer, much longer. There were many many women who are my age and younger with young children and others who are older with grown children. The one thing we all had in common was we have all lost our spouse. It was the first time for me to be in a room of people and not feel like I am the odd one, the one who lost her husband. We were all in the same "club" like it or NOT. We were all able to laugh and death jokes and cry at the same time. We all understood each others weird sense of humor and understood each others grief. Each and everyone of us knew exactly what the other was feeling, this great sense of loss.

This program was put on by an organization called Soaring Spirits Loss Foundation

http://www.sslf.org/ it was started by a women, Michele H and her friend Michelle D, who also lost their husbands. Michele H gave the keynote speech and it was truly inspiring. She said that our life can be compared to rock climbing. We all are some where in this pit trying to make our way out of the grief. Sometimes we are able to climb up, other times we have to go sideways in order to go forward and sometimes we fall back to the bottom. Each and everyone of us in in a different place and those of us who have made it to the top are able to help pull others to the top. When I was listening to her I could actually see this picture she was painting and I was able to connect with her thoughts on the process of grieving. It feels so right on, sometimes I feel just that way. I may be moving up, falling down or just going sideways. I have a linked a copy of what Michele said, so please take a look and if you know anybody who what benefit from this site or from SSLF please pass along the information. It is nice to know that I have a support network who knows exactly what I am going though and I can turn to them any time of the day or night.

http://widowsvoice-sslf.blogspot.com/2010/08/foot-holds.html

Thank you all for your support and friendship,

Hallie