Sisterhood of the Widowhood

Obviously the title gives you an idea of what this blog is about, I have written about it briefly before but I feel it is time to revisit the topic. Once you become a widow or widower you become part of a group, a group of people with at least one thing in common. If you will a "club" that nobody wants to join but once you do it is forever. No matter what your "new" life has in store for you whether you remarry or not, date or not you will always be a widow. I wish I could say embrace this "new" life and get the most out of it but unfortunately it is just not that fun club or sisterhood you want to embrace. That being said I have over the course of this last year embraced the new friendships that I have made because of my widowhoodness. These friends are other women who have also lost there husbands to either cancer or some sudden death. This group of women and 1 new husband that I speak of have been their to support me and each other though the last year. The friendships and support is unbelievable considering we have only met once at a widow conference. The bond is truly valued, we are the "lucky ones if I may say "lucky". We have tried to get the most of our "new" lives, using our sense of humor, our faith and each other to get through. This last weekend I was fortunate enough to meet with another widow in Las Vegas. She is from Connecticut and she also lost her husband to cancer. It was a big step for both of us considering we had only met each other once and our friendship was mostly through facebook. We both thought what happens if we don't get along, 3 days will feel like an eternity. Well I am happy to report that not only did we get along we are very much alike, enjoy the same things and we spent many many hours sharing our story. Not only was this weekend away with a friend but a therapy session all while enjoying what Vegas has to offer. I can't say enough wonderful things about my new lifelong friend. I wish we did not have to be members of this club but since we are I am happy to be here with her.

As I mentioned we met at something called Camp Widow last year in San Diego. This is a wonderful support community and I would highly recommend to anyone who is a member of this "club" or knows someone in this "club" to attended Camp Widow. I have found most of my support through the Internet, it is amazing the the amount of support out there because of the Internet. I want to share of few of the sites I have found helpful and a few that my friends have used for support. Again I hope that this information will be passes along to others in my situation, without the connection I have made though these sites I would not be the widow I am today.

Soaring Spirts Lose Foundation: http://www.sslf.org/

Widow Village (Widville)http://widowedvillage.org/

Widows Voice: http://widowsvoice-sslf.blogspot.com/

Irreverent Widow: http://www.irreverentwidow.com/blog/

Widows Wear Stilettos: http://www.widowswearstilettos.com/

My Sainted Dead Husband:http://mysaintedeadhusband.blogspot.com/

The Widdahood.com: http://www.theWiddahood.com/

Love,

Hallie

Finally!!!! an Update!

Well is has been over a month since my last post... whenever I sit down to write I try to have something important to say or something that may make a difference in someones life. I have been though alot in the last few years and have grown in so many ways I want to be able to share some of my wisdom with others. If I don't blog it is usually because I feel that I am not able to pass on some words of advice or some life situation that may effect others. Well that being said I really have nothing important or insightful to say so I am just going to update everyone on our life and the goings on in the Botkin household.

So Hunter has continued to thrive at school and has settled into the middle school swing without much effort....Yippie. He has become an independent student and is doing well all on his own. I am excited to say he can actually take care of his homework and school responsibilities without his mother hanging over his shoulder. This definitely comes from Eric's genes, he was always a better student than I was. Again I have to thank Eric, I am not sure we would survive each other if he was like me. Hunter continues to amaze me with regards to school and I hope it stays that way. He has also continues with the boy scouts and has made it second class....he enjoys the activities with the boys and I enjoy the fact that I don't have to camp with him anymore. He has grown and matured because of scouts and I am thankful he continues to want to be involved. Finally he has begun another season of baseball, he is in majors now and playing with the big kids....it is hard for me to believe that he is old enough to be one of the big kids. He loves ball and loves this time of the year, we are lucky to have a wonderful coach, not only a family friend but a wonderful man who loves Hunter and wants the best for him. This makes it easier as a mom, I know he is well taken care of and will be guided to be the best player he can be with positive love and support. Hunter continues to amaze me with his sense of humor and positive attitude. Every day he reminds me of Eric and I am so glad that I can see Eric in him, Eric would be proud of his son...just as I am.

As for me I am busy at Hunter's school, I wear many hats and Hunter's enjoys the fact that I am able to be there for him and enjoys seeing me on campus. I have continued working on me, physically and mentally. Somedays are easier than others but I am happy to say I have more positive days than others. I have begun dating and have someone in my life that I enjoy spending time with and he enjoys spending time with us. He is someone that I new as a child and we recently reconnected. Talking about this personal information in this public forum is a little different but I feel it is important to share, I knew that at some point I would date and of course I know that everyone expected me to date but nonetheless it does feel a little different to put it out to the world. For now I just want everyone to know that I am in a happy place, Hunter is in a happy place and it is nice to have someone in our lives that makes us both happy.

I never thought I would ever be in this situation, nor did I ever think I would survive the 1st year but it seems that I am and I did......I am thankful for all the support, without it I certainly would be in a different place.

Love to all,

Hallie

Our 1st Year without you!

It is hard to believe that a year ago today we were saying goodbye to Eric forever. I often wondered how I would survive without him at my side, I mean I knew this day would come and I really was not sure how I was going to manage life without my soul mate. As I reflect on this last year I am thankful that not only did I survive but I grew and have become a new me. I have only Eric to thank for that even through he is not here I am who I am today because of him. All though his life and illness he had a unwavering zest for life, a positive attitude, a smile, a faith in God and a "it is what is is attitude". I was able to grow with him from a young age and learn to have some of these same traits. It is because of his attitude about life and death that I am surviving today and to that I am thankful.

This year has brought it's ups and downs which was to be expected. We had a lot of firsts and we did new things to create new traditions. There were times when I thought the pain in my heart would never stop aching and then there were times when I felt a relief of this pain and wondered how could this be? Many times though out the year I thought wow I can't believe this is my life, how could this happen to me, what should I do now? But with the words I know Eric would be saying I was able to get though each minute, hour, day and now weeks with a positive attitude and a strength I never knew I had. I know that this grieving process is a roller coaster of emotions and I will continue to have my ups and downs but I know now that I can survive, I can get through and I can do anything.

I know that losing my soulmate was something that I never imigined would happen but I am so thankful that I had the opportunity to know that kind of love, to share in something so special, something that many people never find in a lifetime. I am lucky to have friends and family who have been here each step of the way and will continue to walk this unknown journey with me supporting me and helping me get through each day, week, month and now years. I am thankful to have made new friends who are willing to walk with me even with the sadness that may pop up now and again. I am thankful that even though I have had this devastation in my life I have been able to put some of the pieces of my life back and will continue to grow though this loss.

To Eric, I will always love you and can never thank you enough for being you and helping me become me. You were truly a blessing in so many lives and made a difference each and everyday. You are missed more than words can say but because of your strength and faith we are making the most of each day and will continue to live by your example.

Love,

Hallie

Getting Though!

Well I am officially on the count down to that horrid day, while most people are counting down to Christmas my countdown is a bitter sweet countdown. I mean Hunter and I seem to had made it almost to the year and we seem to be moving forward in a positive direction. On the other hand I can hardly believe it has been a year since Eric died. The year has gone by so fast and so much has happened. Holiday's, vacations, baby's have been born, birthday's and much more, it seems as life continues to go on whether or not you are wanting it to. So as I prepare myself for the approaching holidays and the anniversary I am going to continue to look for strength in God and pray that the next 2 weeks will go by as fast as the rest of the year.

Matthew 6:34

"So do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will bring it's own worries. Today's troubles is enough for today"

Love,

Hallie

Disneyland......another 1st....

Well today Hunter and I went to Disneyland with some friends, another 1st without Eric. It was the 1st time we have gone without Eric, we used to go all the time. Last year in November we went and spent a few days while Eric was still able, he always wanted to stay at the Grand Californian so we made a big deal of our trip. It was his last vacation and ours with him. The memories were great and I am so glad that we had the opportunity to make such great memories. Today's trip was also wonderful spending the day with Hunter and friends but it was hard not to think about all the good times we had spent there as a family. It seems that no matter where we turned I remembered something about us as a family and the fun we always had while there. It was a difficult day but at the same time I was happy to be spending the day with Hunter and watching the joy in his eyes. Another turning point for us, doing things as a family, our new family. As I watched the fireworks I wondered if Eric was watching from above and if they looked the same for him or if there were even more spectacular from Heaven. Funny how my thoughts on the fireworks were so different than before, I guess that happens alot when I do things for the 1st time. I am happy that I was able to get though another 1st and maybe the next trip to Disneyland will be even better and easier.

Hockey and the Holiday's

Today I went to my first hockey game without Eric, those you who have known us know that this was something Eric and I loved to do. Before Hunter was born and before we moved we had a mini plan and went to many hockey games. We both loved the game and loved sharing it together. We loved it so much that we decided that Hunter was going to be a hockey player, even his nursery was all hockey. Then Hunter decided that he loved baseball, we moved to Temecula and are lives got busy so hockey was put on the back burner. It was great going to the game, not sad, I remembered all the good times we had and it brought back good memories. It was a first that was not bad at all and I am looking forward to going to more games and enjoying this sport with Hunter, yes he likes it too!

Well that brings me to the holiday part.....As Thanksgiving approaches I wonder how it will be for the next 5 weeks. Everybody is concerned about us, well I am concerned about us too. Hunter seems to be moving though the thought of the season as he always did, making his list, excited to be with family and of course time off from school. I on the other hand wonder how I can listen to Christmas music, shop, decorate the house and honestly deal with the family. I also know that I am approaching the one year mark, another year older and my 1st year without Eric. I know that in the end we will all be fine some times will be difficult and other times will not. Like the rest of the year we will just get though and continue moving forward. I wonder as the years pass will I ever have a different attitude? I hope that I will but for now I will do my best to make sure Hunter is happy and I will try to just get though the season with as much grace as possible. I thank all of you in advance for your support, prayers and love....without it we would be lost.

Love,

Hallie

Life's Purpose....

Courage, integrity, honor, loyalty, brave, happy, and a great sense of humor were just a few of the words that described Ryan Bonaminio, a riverside police officer killed in the line of duty. He would have been 29 on Thanksgiving another young person taken from this world at such a young age. I did not know this young man but felt that I needed to be at his service to show my support and for my own personal reasons. It was an amazing service, so much love and even though he only lived a short time here on earth he truly made a mark in this world and the people who knew him were blessed.

As I reflect on his life and that of my own husband I think of the words Eric would all to often say "We are here for a purpose greater than who we are....once we achieve our purpose it is time to go home to God." A similar statement was also made today at Ryan's service. Some of us will never know why we are here or what are purpose is but to live your lives to the fullest potential and contribute something positive is a small but meaningful goal. So as you live each day think about the difference and impact you may have on someones else's life. Live each day to it's fullest potential you may never know what your purpose here on Earth is but know that you are making a difference in someones life.

Love,

Hallie

Another Death....Another Funeral

Another tragedy has struck the City of Riverside Fire Department, a firefighter was shot and killed by a crazed person last week. This is a story we all too often see on the T.V. but we usually change the channel and think "Thank God" it wasn't someone we knew and loved. Nick was a great person who we knew and loved, and he will be missed a great deal. Tomorrow we will celebrate his life and mourn his loss, it will be a difficult day for all involved. Tomorrow will also be my first funeral, my first firefighter funeral and the first time I have been back in the church where Eric's service was held. This funeral will have an additional impact on me as I relive my own loss while dealing with the emotion of another young person taken in the prime of their life. So the obvious question is why would this happen, why would God take another person from our lives so early, what does it all mean? No one really has the answer but as I have done many times in the past, I have to put my faith in God, that He knows what's right and this is all part of His plan. As I prepare for tomorrow I will be putting my faith in God and turning to Him that He can get me though this terrible day with grace and the strength not to question why.

God Bless,

Hallie

Rest In Peace

Nick Barrios

July 26, 1969 - October 31, 2010.

A kind, gentle, wonderful father, son, brother & friend loved by so many. Taken long before you should have been and never forgotten.

A New Season.....

Seasons change, people come into our lives and people go but it is comforting to know that the people you love are always is your heart.

A I reflect on the last 10 months I think about all the change that has occurred, the people who have come and gone in my life and what it all means. Ever since Eric got sick I look for signs of why this is happening, why is someone in my life or why have they vanished. Everything has a purpose, a plan, an intended outcome. This plan is driven by our destiny which is all God's plan. I hold onto this concept which helps me get though each day. Lately I have been spending time thinking about the people in my life and what each person brings. Some may be people I don't even know but they smile just when I need it the most. Others offer comfort, support, guidance, encouragement, advice and much more. I guess my point is that life is always changing just like the seasons, people come and go and whether you are in my life for the long haul or just passing though I thank you for helping me change and grow though this difficult time. Helping me gain a better focus of life and helping me try to make sense of it all.

Love,

Hallie

Sacramento Memorial

This past weekend we had the opportunity to celebrate and honor Eric at the Fallen Firefighters Memorial in Sacramento. It was a beautiful ceremony, it felt as if it were just for Eric but there were 31 firefighters being honored. It was very emotional for all of us (I had 21 family and friends), I am not sure if it was just being there, the fact that this was the last time for such a ceremony or a little of both. It is very difficult to explain the experience all I know is that I feel privileged to have been married to someone who put his life on the line for the sake of others. I know Eric would not have changed a thing, he loved being a firefighter/ paramedic and I am glad that we were able to honor him in such a beautiful service. I wanted to thank Riverside City Fire for taking good care of us last weekend, the honor guards from all over California for their service, the Fire Foundation for all their hard work and to all the family and friends who were able to share this event with us and to be there to support Hunter and myself. We truly appreciate everything.

I have a video of a speech about Eric, it was read by his engineer Garret and written by Garret and Eric's captain Bob. It was beautiful, unfortunately I am having problems getting it on the blog. I will try again later.

Love to all,

Hallie