Happy Birthday Eric!

Well today was another first and another new tradition. For the last 24 years I celebrated Eric birthday on April 11th, and today was the first that Eric was not here for his birthday. He would have been 42 years old today. So another new first......and a new tradition...celebrating my birthday on his special day. Since he passed away on my birthday it seems impossible to celebrate my birthday knowing that was the day he died. So I took a suggestion from a friend and decide to celebrate my special day on his special day, it was not the happiest of celebration but a day for our families to get together and celebrate the life of Eric and myself. I opened up the presents and cards from my birthday and we enjoyed ice cream cake. There was no singing, candles or other festive things you would think of coming with a birthday. Growing up my birthday was always a very special day for me, being so close to Christmas my mom always made sure it was special and did not get over looked. I have to say that I enjoyed my new special day and enjoyed the company I kept. I am not sure what the future has in store for me but I know that making my special day on Eric's special day is a tradition that I will look forward to in the future. I also wanted to thank everyone who gave me cards and presents in December, I opened then today. Thank you!

Love,

Hallie

Easter

Happy Easter as it turns out this Easter has been easier than expected, I guess because it was not unusual for Eric to be working on Easter and for Hunter and I to do our own thing anyhow. So this year to help ease the sadness and begin a new tradition Hunter and I traveled to Seattle to spend Easter with my cousin Jamie and her family. She has 2 girls and it was great to see Hunter and the girls enjoy the fun of Easter morning. We went to a fantastic Brunch and all had naps! I know that Eric was with us today and I am sure enjoyed his own Easter in Heaven. I guess we have had another 1st without Eric and I am glad that we can mark it off our check list of 1st. Not sure how other 1st will go but so happy that I got though our 1st Easter.

I hope that you all had a wonderful celebration with family and friends remembering the sacrifice that was made for us in order to have this celebration.

Love to all,

Hey Mom!

HUNTER: "Hey Mom do we have a sander?"

ME: Yes but why? No answer

ME: Do you mean sand paper?

HUNTER: No a answer

ME: What for?

HUNTER: "Come down here..."

ME: Oh this can't be good

So I go down stairs to see what could Hunter possible want the sander for......oh the wall!!!!! Well he wrote on the wall and thought he could just sand it off. I tried to explain that if he tried to use the sander on the wall it would make a big hole. The walls are not wood. So Mr. Clean Magic Eraser was a much better solution.

Problem solved......just thought I'd share.

Spring Baseball

Hey everyone sorry it has been so long since my last post. I am going to keep it light today and know that each day is a new day some are good and some just really suck.

Well most of you realize that Hunter is a lover of baseball and since the weather is warmer it is obvious that it is that time of year again. Hunter is playing ball and having a good time. He is on a great team with a great coaching staff, we are really lucky. We also started the watching of ball with the Angles. Last weekend we went to Tempe and watched the Angels play against the Mariners. I won't comment on the game but lets just say we had a good time anyhow, at least it is only spring training and I am sure it is not a refection of whats to come.....Right? So we got tot he field by 10am Hunter was not going to be a minute late.....we watched the minor league at batting practice.....then the major players. Hunter was handed 3 balls from various players, he was so excited. He used these balls to get his signatures. Now he could tell you all the players but I don't remember there names but the pictures you see are with Mickey Hatcher, Brandon Wood & Reggie Willits. After the practice we watched a 4 1/2 hour game! Then we had dinner and meet a few members of the team. On Monday we toured the Diamond Back field, this was our 4th stadium tour only 26 more to go.....It was a great way to spend the weekend with Hunter.

Since we were in Arizona we also saw Eric's family which was nice and good for everyone.

Hugs

As many of you know Eric had wonderful hugs, someone told me the other day that when Eric hugged you you knew that it was a pure hug from the heart. Of course I had all different kids of hugs from him so when I was asked if I felt the same way I said "I don't know"......his hugs were great but I was also in love with him. I knew that he gave great hugs because he hugged everybody and he always hugged with passion. You just knew from peoples reactions that it was a great hug......not in a creepy hold on too long uncomfortable way. It was not too hard it was not wimpy, it was a pure hug from the heart. Eric would call these "A" hugs.......this started with our niece Morgan. So you ask what is the point of all this...does it really matter what kind of hugs he gave. Well the answer is of course yes for obvious reasons but really the message I want to get out is to hug. I am sure some of you are huggers by nature and some of you never hug. What if you never gave or received hug? What if something awful happened and you did not get in that last hug? What if someone just needed a hug to help them get though their day? What if that person was you? I am sure it is important to be remembered in many ways after you are no longer here on earth but what a great way for my Eric to be remember......not only as a kind and wonderful man, a good advise giver but as a great hugger. So the next time you give a hug make sure it is an "A" hug. And remember to hug often!

Love and HUGS!!!

Hallie

Widow's Grief

I found this post on another blog, which she had found on yet another blog so I cannot give the author credit. When I read it I new it was just what I wanted to say. So thank you to the unknown author........

Widow's Grief

I wish my husband hadn't died. I wish I had him back

Please don't be afraid to speak my husband's name. My husband lived and was very important to me. I appreciate hearing that he was important to you as well.

If I cry and get emotional when you talk about my husband, know that it isn't because you have hurt me. My husband 's death is the cause of my tears. You have talked about my husband, and you have allowed me to share my grief. I thank you for both.

Please don't feel you need to remove his pictures, artwork, or other remembrances from your home. They are a reminder that he lived and loved. They don't make me sad. The fact that he's dead makes me sad. I love to see pictures of him and things he was a part of.

Being a bereaved wife is not contagious, so please don't shy away from me. I need you more than ever. But sometimes I'm not going to be very fun to be around, or I'm not going to accept your invitation. Please don't give up on me and accept me for being able to do what I can cope with at the time. Just because I've said no to the past four invitations doesn't mean I'm going to say no to the next one. I appreciate you patience with me.

I need diversions, so I do want to hear about you, but I also want you to hear about me. I might be sad and I might cry, but I appreciate it if you let me talk about my husband, my favorite topic of the day.

I know that you think of and pray for me often. I also know that my husband's death pains you, too. Please feel free to let me know things through a phone call, a card or a note, or a real big hug.

Please don't expect my grief to be over in this first year. These first few months have traumatic for me, but I need you to understand that my grief will never be over. I will always miss my husband, and I will always grieve that he is dead. I will suffer the death of my husband until the day I die.

Please don't expect me "not to think about it" or to "be happy". I always think about him and happiness is something that I can't just make happen, so don't frustrate yourself. On days when I seem happy or seem not to be thinking about it, know that some bereaved wives are Academy Award winning actresses. And even if I'm genuinely happy, I'm still thinking about him every second of every day and wishing he was here.

I don't want to have a "pity party," but I hope you will let me grieve in the way I need to. I must hurt before I can heal. I will let you know what I need and I'd appreciate it if you just accept whatever it is. I'm working really hard on honoring and feeling my grief, so I heal as well as possible. And know that as I'm healing, large scars are being formed on my heart.

I wish you understood how my life has shattered. I know it is miserable for you to be around me when I'm feeling miserable. Please be as patient with me as I am with you.

When I say, "I'm doing okay," I hope you understand that I don't always feel okay and that I struggle daily with this new reality.

I have many new areas in my life that I'm now solely responsible for, plus grieving the loss of my love, and some days, many days, that is overwhelming. When I became a Mom, I knew that my marriage would always remain, that I'd never be a single parent because of divorce. I never thought about being a single parent because of death. It is so hard to just be the only parent and hold down a full time job, without even adding the overwhelming burden of the grief we all feel. Thank you for your support of my family. We need it now more than ever.

I want you to know that all of the grief reactions I'm having are very normal. Depression, anger, hopelessness and overwhelming sadness are all to be expected. So please excuse me when I'm quiet and withdrawn or irritable and cranky.

I'm not only taking my life one day at a time, but one hour at a time, one minute at a time. Please be patient with me.

Grief changes people. When my husband died, a big part of me died with him. I am not the same person I was before my husband died, and I will never be that person again. Please don't look for her. She's not coming back.

I wish very much that you could understand - understand my loss and my grief, my silence and my tears, my void and my pain. But I pray daily that you will never understand.

What Dead is Forever.........

Ok really I know the answer to this statement......but REALLY I am so over it. I am ready for Eric to come home and take care of stuff. I really don't like handling everything, dead car batteries, tax season, paying bills, handling Hunters emotional issues (Eric was really much better at these things than I am). I just need Eric to come and tell me what to do and give me his advice. I have had enough of him being gone. As I was talking with his mom we realized that as the days pass it is not getting easier...it is actually getting harder. We are all ready for him to return and since we know he is not the harsh reality of what is actually happening is hitting home. It really just sinks and I feel like half of who I am is gone. I have always been a very independent type person but at the end of the day I always relied on Eric to be the man and take care of all the stuff. To take care of the family, to make the decisions that needed to be made and to provide me with the advice that would help me make the right decisions in life. Sometimes you just don't realize how much your better half does until you are left to it all on your own. All I know it this is getting old and I am ready for Eric to return. I hope as time passes this harsh reality will be a little less painful.

Love,

Hallie

Happy Valentine s Day

Happy Valentines Day......I hope everyone is having a wonderful day. Like I said before this was never really an important day for Eric and I so this 1st has not been too difficult. Although Hunter and I are in Iowa....frezeeing......so maybe the good company we are with helps the potential pain be less. Also with advice from my mother Hunter made it special for me....a simply rose and a beautiful card. OK so I said we are in Iowa, visiting friends, Hunter meet his first real friend, Isabella, at 18 months and they have been friends for 9 years. As a matter of fact their 1st play date was making Valentines Day cookies together. Obviously I became best friends with the mom and than our husbands also became great friends. Brandy and Jose have walked with us though many journeys and us with them. Since I have to endure this 1st I am glad that I am not alone.....I can't think of a better way to spend this potentially painful holiday with my BFF and her amazing family. Hunter an I are grateful, not only for the Rodriguez family, but for all the friends that have been so wonderful during the last 7 weeks.....and 2 years. I hope that everyone is with that special person or person's on this special day.

Lot's of Love
Hallie

A Few 1st.......

Well it has been six weeks today since Eric passed away. It is amazing how easy it is for me to keep tract of time, as each week passes. In my old normal life I would never be able to tell you how many weeks it had been since anything. As you can tell from the title I have a few 1st to discuss, things I did not think would be difficult. Last week I took Eric's car in for servicing, those of you who know Eric knew he loved his car. I only ever went with him to drive him home. All the people know him and knew the situation. I thought to myself this will be fine and it was all good until they asked what kind of oil I wanted in the car. The tears just started coming, I felt bad for the guy helping me I am sure it is not a usual reaction to a relatively easy question. Anyhow I did survive but just a little surprised. The other thing that has taken be by surprise is how difficult it has been to be with Eric's family. Since the funeral I have had one birthday party and this weekend I am in Arizona with Eric's family and sister April. You would think that after 24 years it would be like visiting my family. It's not that I am uncomfortable it's just another reminder that Eric is not here. I suppose it is the same for them seeing Hunter and myself with out Eric. When we talk about stories, reminisce about the days of past and even the silliness and laughter that comes with his family I can't help but to think about him and miss his presence. I just did not think that this was going to be as difficult as it has been. I know as with anything as time goes by it will be easier and the laughter and stories will be a way for Hunter and I to remember Eric without any sadness. I know that this year there will be alot of 1st, some of them I feel that I am prepared for and others I know will catch me off guard. With Valentine's day approaching many of you are thinking this may be difficult because it is a 1st and it is the day of Love. I am hoping that the day will go by as any other because everyday with Eric was Valentine's Day. We never really made a big fuss about what we called a "Hallmark Holiday" I think it should be fine but I could be caught off guard. I guess I won't know until it happens.

Until next time,
Lot's of Love
Hallie

Marriage

Sunday at church a couple renewed their wedding vows. This of course got me thinking about marriage and the vows we take. The union of marriage is sacred and all to often after a few years we forget what we said on that beautiful day. Lets take a look at those vows.

I, (Bride/Groom), take you (Groom/Bride), to be my (wife/husband), to have and to hold from this day forward, for better or for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish; from this day forward until death do us part.

As I sit here and blog I can say that Eric and I lived out each and every vow. I wish I could say this is exciting but obviously the death do us part things really stinks. We had our ups and downs especially after Hunter was born..... Eric gave me the talk at Home Depot (most people don't have life altering talks at the hardware store). We had times that were financially tough, in fact we were told by a church psychologist that our marriage would never make it because we had no money. I just love proving people wrong. I mean don't get me wrong having good paying jobs does make things a whole lot easier. We both had our times of being sick and healthy, we were pretty lucky because neither of us had many illnesses in our life. It was not until the brain cancer that we really had to deal with sickness. As the wife of a terminally ill husband I was honored to be able to take care of Eric. I could not imagine anyone else taking care of him. I only wish I could have done it for many more years. Of course we loved and cherished each other, Eric took amazingly good care of me. I am so lucky to have had a love like ours, many people never experience that kind of love but I am happy to say I did. I can honestly say Eric was the perfect husband. People often said we had a fairy tale love, one you only see in movies. All this being said and I did tell Eric this before he passed, even as awful as it is we actually got to live everyone of our vows. The good the bad......the happy the sad.....the sickness and health.....the death do us part.

As I noted before people often take for granted there vows, what it means to be a wife or husband. It takes work to be in a fairy tale, it does not come easily. I wish that everyone could have what I had with Eric. Don't let time go by and life stuff get in the way of your marriage. Take time to enjoy your spouse, make time for each other, relive your love each and everyday. From my own experience time is so precious and I can say with out any regrets that Eric and I had the perfect marriage and even though he his not physically here our love with last a life time. This is my wish for all of you.