My Unknown Journey

Merry Christmas

2011-12-25T21:50:00.000-08:00

Merry Christmas,

I hope this finds you happy and healthy this holiday seasons. Well there have been many changes for Hunter and I over the last year. We have had new experiences and celebrated life, as we know it to be. As this season has approached us and I have had a chance to reflect on the past 2 seasons with out Eric, I realize how thankful I am that we had so many wonderful years together, that we lived our lives exactly the way we wanted too and that we loved each other more each day. I have also had time to reflect on the loss, the loss of the traditions we created together, the loss of the friendship we had and so much more. Which of course leads me to start thinking of my life now and I realize that I am so lucky. Lucky to have someone who loves me, who stands by my side as I grieve and is willing to walk this unknown journey with Hunter and I. I am also lucky to have friends who have supported me and been there for me regardless of their own life challenges and of course Hunter who brightness my every moment. I mean there are still moments, many moments that have caught me off guard and the tears come streaming down. If happens in the oddest times and for the oddest reason. The season for me is filled with such joy and sorrow at the same time, I suppose it is like being on a roller coaster. Either way I don’t like roller coasters so I am looking forward to the beginning of the year hoping the roller coaster will slow down, well at least until the next Christmas season.

The lights have been hung this year and the house even has a few more decorations than last, we have made Santa cookies and are having a few family members over to help us celebrate Christmas. Of course Hunter is super excited for Santa and I am hoping to get him in bed as early as possible so that I can finish my mommy duties.

We celebrated Christmas with Eric’s family a few weeks ago and we had a wonderful time together. Again it is one of those joyous and sorrowful times, I am so lucky to have such wonderful in-laws it is a true blessing. This Christmas I finally was able to get Eric’s t-shirt made into a quit. Well actually 4 quilts, one for Hunter, Eric’s mom and his 2 sisters. They are beautiful and something that each one of them can take comfort in when they need that encouragement that all will be ok. Each quilt is different and each quilt was made without knowing who was going to receive which quilt. Once they were finished I looked at each one and decided who should get that particular quilt. So after all settled down and everyone had a few days to look at their quilts Eric’s mom called and shared with me that Laura’s quilt had the shirt on it that he was wearing the last time she saw him which was December 12^th 2009, exactly 2 yrs to the day she opened up her quilt. Dianna also shared that her quilt had 3 shirts that Eric is wearing in the 3 pictures of him she has hanging on her wall. Again I had no idea about these particular shirts and we all knew that God had a hand in this selection. It was so perfect and I could not have asked for a better outcome.

May the season be filled with love and joy and may you each cherish every moment you have with those you love.

Merry Christmas,

Hallie

Hunter Update...

2011-10-15T17:31:00.000-07:00

It is hard to believe that Hunter is 12 years old. I can’t believe that 12 years ago he was just a baby and now he is a pre-teen. I am lucky to have such a wonderful, loving, caring, happy pre-teen and “yes” he will stay that way as a teen (well I am hopeful anyhow). Well Hunter has matured so much over the past year, he can stay home for a while by himself and if you happen to get a call from Eric’s cell phone don’t be shocked, (like so many were) it is just Hunter on his dad’s cell phone, and he finally has a facebook account which does make this teacher mom a bit nervous.

Hunter has successfully completed the 6^th grade and we are a few months into the 7^th grade already, things are getting a bit harder for him in school but he does take after his dad in the school department and does very well without much work. Of course I did give him something….yes the ability to be social and talkative. So I guess he has the best of both worlds smart and extra friendly!

Hunter is playing soccer and the season is almost over he enjoys soccer but his true passion continues to be baseball. He has been practicing 2 times a week with a baseball training club and has learned so much from the coaches. Not only the game of baseball but the importance of a good attitude and hard work. Of course he is still in Boy Scouts, we will see if he will continue the verdict is still up in the air.

I am so thankful that he is such a great kid, being a parent is hard enough these days but being a single parent is even harder, having Hunter as a son makes it so much easier to be a single parent and I am so thankful for that.

Love,

Hallie

Love...Happiness....New Beginnings

2011-10-15T17:17:00.000-07:00

Living with the loss of a spouse makes you want to stop living yourself. You live one day at a time usually not for yourself but for the others in your life. For me my one-day at a time living was for Hunter. I am so thankful that because of him I was forced to live my life and continue to try and keep our life as normal as possible. When Eric passed away I lived one hour at a time, then one-day at a time, then one week at a time and finally I am living one month at a time looking forward to a future that once again can be happy. I am happy to say that Hunter and I have been able to move forward and continue living thorough our grief. I have been fortunate to have supportive family, friends, co-workers and many others who have supported me just when I needed it and supported Hunter just when he needed something We have been fortunate to have a new person in our lives, I have mentioned him before and I am happy to say he is still in our lives. He has been very supportive about our situation. Heith understands that even though Eric is no longer in our lives physically he is still there emotionally and mentally. Hunter and I continue to share Eric with him and are helping him learn who Eric was and what we loved about him. He is supportive when I need to grieve, let’s me cry when I need to cry, understands when sometimes I am just not happy and is there for me each and everyday. He is walking with me in my new journey and supporting me as I develop into this new person. Hunter is laughing again, being silly again and basically being the 12-year-old boy. Because of Heith we both have something to look forward to whether it is a game of catch for Hunter or a hand to hold to hold for me. It is nice to look towards a future again and to know Hunter and I can have a future with happiness, laughter and a sense of normalcy. Everyday I am blessed to know the love I had with Eric, to have spent so many years with someone so special in so many ways. Each day I wake I am thankful for all the special memories I had with Eric. Now because of this new man I once again have hope for a future one that can help me continue to remember Eric and all that we had and one that offers hope that once again I can be happy.

Love,

Hallie

It has Been a Long Time!

2011-07-10T09:38:00.000-07:00

I know that it has been a long time since my last post. There has been so much going on I am not even sure where to start. That being said today is also busy busy busy but I know you want an update. I will be posting something this week so please check back in a few days.

With much Love,

Hallie

Sisterhood of the Widowhood

2011-03-17T12:29:00.000-07:00

Obviously the title gives you an idea of what this blog is about, I have written about it briefly before but I feel it is time to revisit the topic. Once you become a widow or widower you become part of a group, a group of people with at least one thing in common. If you will a "club" that nobody wants to join but once you do it is forever. No matter what your "new" life has in store for you whether you remarry or not, date or not you will always be a widow. I wish I could say embrace this "new" life and get the most out of it but unfortunately it is just not that fun club or sisterhood you want to embrace. That being said I have over the course of this last year embraced the new friendships that I have made because of my widowhoodness. These friends are other women who have also lost there husbands to either cancer or some sudden death. This group of women and 1 new husband that I speak of have been their to support me and each other though the last year. The friendships and support is unbelievable considering we have only met once at a widow conference. The bond is truly valued, we are the "lucky ones if I may say "lucky". We have tried to get the most of our "new" lives, using our sense of humor, our faith and each other to get through. This last weekend I was fortunate enough to meet with another widow in Las Vegas. She is from Connecticut and she also lost her husband to cancer. It was a big step for both of us considering we had only met each other once and our friendship was mostly through facebook. We both thought what happens if we don't get along, 3 days will feel like an eternity. Well I am happy to report that not only did we get along we are very much alike, enjoy the same things and we spent many many hours sharing our story. Not only was this weekend away with a friend but a therapy session all while enjoying what Vegas has to offer. I can't say enough wonderful things about my new lifelong friend. I wish we did not have to be members of this club but since we are I am happy to be here with her.

As I mentioned we met at something called Camp Widow last year in San Diego. This is a wonderful support community and I would highly recommend to anyone who is a member of this "club" or knows someone in this "club" to attended Camp Widow. I have found most of my support through the Internet, it is amazing the the amount of support out there because of the Internet. I want to share of few of the sites I have found helpful and a few that my friends have used for support. Again I hope that this information will be passes along to others in my situation, without the connection I have made though these sites I would not be the widow I am today.

Soaring Spirts Lose Foundation: http://www.sslf.org/

Widow Village (Widville)http://widowedvillage.org/

Widows Voice: http://widowsvoice-sslf.blogspot.com/

Irreverent Widow: http://www.irreverentwidow.com/blog/

Widows Wear Stilettos: http://www.widowswearstilettos.com/

My Sainted Dead Husband:http://mysaintedeadhusband.blogspot.com/

The Widdahood.com: http://www.theWiddahood.com/

Love,

Hallie

Finally!!!! an Update!

2011-02-04T22:57:00.000-08:00

Well is has been over a month since my last post... whenever I sit down to write I try to have something important to say or something that may make a difference in someones life. I have been though alot in the last few years and have grown in so many ways I want to be able to share some of my wisdom with others. If I don't blog it is usually because I feel that I am not able to pass on some words of advice or some life situation that may effect others. Well that being said I really have nothing important or insightful to say so I am just going to update everyone on our life and the goings on in the Botkin household.

So Hunter has continued to thrive at school and has settled into the middle school swing without much effort....Yippie. He has become an independent student and is doing well all on his own. I am excited to say he can actually take care of his homework and school responsibilities without his mother hanging over his shoulder. This definitely comes from Eric's genes, he was always a better student than I was. Again I have to thank Eric, I am not sure we would survive each other if he was like me. Hunter continues to amaze me with regards to school and I hope it stays that way. He has also continues with the boy scouts and has made it second class....he enjoys the activities with the boys and I enjoy the fact that I don't have to camp with him anymore. He has grown and matured because of scouts and I am thankful he continues to want to be involved. Finally he has begun another season of baseball, he is in majors now and playing with the big kids....it is hard for me to believe that he is old enough to be one of the big kids. He loves ball and loves this time of the year, we are lucky to have a wonderful coach, not only a family friend but a wonderful man who loves Hunter and wants the best for him. This makes it easier as a mom, I know he is well taken care of and will be guided to be the best player he can be with positive love and support. Hunter continues to amaze me with his sense of humor and positive attitude. Every day he reminds me of Eric and I am so glad that I can see Eric in him, Eric would be proud of his son...just as I am.

As for me I am busy at Hunter's school, I wear many hats and Hunter's enjoys the fact that I am able to be there for him and enjoys seeing me on campus. I have continued working on me, physically and mentally. Somedays are easier than others but I am happy to say I have more positive days than others. I have begun dating and have someone in my life that I enjoy spending time with and he enjoys spending time with us. He is someone that I new as a child and we recently reconnected. Talking about this personal information in this public forum is a little different but I feel it is important to share, I knew that at some point I would date and of course I know that everyone expected me to date but nonetheless it does feel a little different to put it out to the world. For now I just want everyone to know that I am in a happy place, Hunter is in a happy place and it is nice to have someone in our lives that makes us both happy.

I never thought I would ever be in this situation, nor did I ever think I would survive the 1st year but it seems that I am and I did......I am thankful for all the support, without it I certainly would be in a different place.

Love to all,

Hallie

Our 1st Year without you!

2010-12-22T16:30:00.000-08:00

It is hard to believe that a year ago today we were saying goodbye to Eric forever. I often wondered how I would survive without him at my side, I mean I knew this day would come and I really was not sure how I was going to manage life without my soul mate. As I reflect on this last year I am thankful that not only did I survive but I grew and have become a new me. I have only Eric to thank for that even through he is not here I am who I am today because of him. All though his life and illness he had a unwavering zest for life, a positive attitude, a smile, a faith in God and a "it is what is is attitude". I was able to grow with him from a young age and learn to have some of these same traits. It is because of his attitude about life and death that I am surviving today and to that I am thankful.

This year has brought it's ups and downs which was to be expected. We had a lot of firsts and we did new things to create new traditions. There were times when I thought the pain in my heart would never stop aching and then there were times when I felt a relief of this pain and wondered how could this be? Many times though out the year I thought wow I can't believe this is my life, how could this happen to me, what should I do now? But with the words I know Eric would be saying I was able to get though each minute, hour, day and now weeks with a positive attitude and a strength I never knew I had. I know that this grieving process is a roller coaster of emotions and I will continue to have my ups and downs but I know now that I can survive, I can get through and I can do anything.

I know that losing my soulmate was something that I never imigined would happen but I am so thankful that I had the opportunity to know that kind of love, to share in something so special, something that many people never find in a lifetime. I am lucky to have friends and family who have been here each step of the way and will continue to walk this unknown journey with me supporting me and helping me get through each day, week, month and now years. I am thankful to have made new friends who are willing to walk with me even with the sadness that may pop up now and again. I am thankful that even though I have had this devastation in my life I have been able to put some of the pieces of my life back and will continue to grow though this loss.

To Eric, I will always love you and can never thank you enough for being you and helping me become me. You were truly a blessing in so many lives and made a difference each and everyday. You are missed more than words can say but because of your strength and faith we are making the most of each day and will continue to live by your example.

Love,

Hallie

Getting Though!

2010-12-14T14:10:00.000-08:00

Well I am officially on the count down to that horrid day, while most people are counting down to Christmas my countdown is a bitter sweet countdown. I mean Hunter and I seem to had made it almost to the year and we seem to be moving forward in a positive direction. On the other hand I can hardly believe it has been a year since Eric died. The year has gone by so fast and so much has happened. Holiday's, vacations, baby's have been born, birthday's and much more, it seems as life continues to go on whether or not you are wanting it to. So as I prepare myself for the approaching holidays and the anniversary I am going to continue to look for strength in God and pray that the next 2 weeks will go by as fast as the rest of the year.

Matthew 6:34

"So do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will bring it's own worries. Today's troubles is enough for today"

Love,

Hallie

Disneyland......another 1st....

2010-12-02T21:44:00.000-08:00

Well today Hunter and I went to Disneyland with some friends, another 1st without Eric. It was the 1st time we have gone without Eric, we used to go all the time. Last year in November we went and spent a few days while Eric was still able, he always wanted to stay at the Grand Californian so we made a big deal of our trip. It was his last vacation and ours with him. The memories were great and I am so glad that we had the opportunity to make such great memories. Today's trip was also wonderful spending the day with Hunter and friends but it was hard not to think about all the good times we had spent there as a family. It seems that no matter where we turned I remembered something about us as a family and the fun we always had while there. It was a difficult day but at the same time I was happy to be spending the day with Hunter and watching the joy in his eyes. Another turning point for us, doing things as a family, our new family. As I watched the fireworks I wondered if Eric was watching from above and if they looked the same for him or if there were even more spectacular from Heaven. Funny how my thoughts on the fireworks were so different than before, I guess that happens alot when I do things for the 1st time. I am happy that I was able to get though another 1st and maybe the next trip to Disneyland will be even better and easier.

Hockey and the Holiday's

2010-11-21T22:48:00.000-08:00

Today I went to my first hockey game without Eric, those you who have known us know that this was something Eric and I loved to do. Before Hunter was born and before we moved we had a mini plan and went to many hockey games. We both loved the game and loved sharing it together. We loved it so much that we decided that Hunter was going to be a hockey player, even his nursery was all hockey. Then Hunter decided that he loved baseball, we moved to Temecula and are lives got busy so hockey was put on the back burner. It was great going to the game, not sad, I remembered all the good times we had and it brought back good memories. It was a first that was not bad at all and I am looking forward to going to more games and enjoying this sport with Hunter, yes he likes it too!

Well that brings me to the holiday part.....As Thanksgiving approaches I wonder how it will be for the next 5 weeks. Everybody is concerned about us, well I am concerned about us too. Hunter seems to be moving though the thought of the season as he always did, making his list, excited to be with family and of course time off from school. I on the other hand wonder how I can listen to Christmas music, shop, decorate the house and honestly deal with the family. I also know that I am approaching the one year mark, another year older and my 1st year without Eric. I know that in the end we will all be fine some times will be difficult and other times will not. Like the rest of the year we will just get though and continue moving forward. I wonder as the years pass will I ever have a different attitude? I hope that I will but for now I will do my best to make sure Hunter is happy and I will try to just get though the season with as much grace as possible. I thank all of you in advance for your support, prayers and love....without it we would be lost.

Love,

Hallie

Life's Purpose....

2010-11-16T13:39:00.000-08:00

Courage, integrity, honor, loyalty, brave, happy, and a great sense of humor were just a few of the words that described Ryan Bonaminio, a riverside police officer killed in the line of duty. He would have been 29 on Thanksgiving another young person taken from this world at such a young age. I did not know this young man but felt that I needed to be at his service to show my support and for my own personal reasons. It was an amazing service, so much love and even though he only lived a short time here on earth he truly made a mark in this world and the people who knew him were blessed.

As I reflect on his life and that of my own husband I think of the words Eric would all to often say "We are here for a purpose greater than who we are....once we achieve our purpose it is time to go home to God." A similar statement was also made today at Ryan's service. Some of us will never know why we are here or what are purpose is but to live your lives to the fullest potential and contribute something positive is a small but meaningful goal. So as you live each day think about the difference and impact you may have on someones else's life. Live each day to it's fullest potential you may never know what your purpose here on Earth is but know that you are making a difference in someones life.

Love,

Hallie

Another Death....Another Funeral

2010-11-09T14:48:00.000-08:00

Another tragedy has struck the City of Riverside Fire Department, a firefighter was shot and killed by a crazed person last week. This is a story we all too often see on the T.V. but we usually change the channel and think "Thank God" it wasn't someone we knew and loved. Nick was a great person who we knew and loved, and he will be missed a great deal. Tomorrow we will celebrate his life and mourn his loss, it will be a difficult day for all involved. Tomorrow will also be my first funeral, my first firefighter funeral and the first time I have been back in the church where Eric's service was held. This funeral will have an additional impact on me as I relive my own loss while dealing with the emotion of another young person taken in the prime of their life. So the obvious question is why would this happen, why would God take another person from our lives so early, what does it all mean? No one really has the answer but as I have done many times in the past, I have to put my faith in God, that He knows what's right and this is all part of His plan. As I prepare for tomorrow I will be putting my faith in God and turning to Him that He can get me though this terrible day with grace and the strength not to question why.

God Bless,

Hallie

Rest In Peace

Nick Barrios

July 26, 1969 - October 31, 2010.

A kind, gentle, wonderful father, son, brother & friend loved by so many. Taken long before you should have been and never forgotten.

A New Season.....

2010-10-26T19:30:00.000-07:00

Seasons change, people come into our lives and people go but it is comforting to know that the people you love are always is your heart.

A I reflect on the last 10 months I think about all the change that has occurred, the people who have come and gone in my life and what it all means. Ever since Eric got sick I look for signs of why this is happening, why is someone in my life or why have they vanished. Everything has a purpose, a plan, an intended outcome. This plan is driven by our destiny which is all God's plan. I hold onto this concept which helps me get though each day. Lately I have been spending time thinking about the people in my life and what each person brings. Some may be people I don't even know but they smile just when I need it the most. Others offer comfort, support, guidance, encouragement, advice and much more. I guess my point is that life is always changing just like the seasons, people come and go and whether you are in my life for the long haul or just passing though I thank you for helping me change and grow though this difficult time. Helping me gain a better focus of life and helping me try to make sense of it all.

Love,

Hallie

Sacramento Memorial

2010-10-19T21:08:00.000-07:00

This past weekend we had the opportunity to celebrate and honor Eric at the Fallen Firefighters Memorial in Sacramento. It was a beautiful ceremony, it felt as if it were just for Eric but there were 31 firefighters being honored. It was very emotional for all of us (I had 21 family and friends), I am not sure if it was just being there, the fact that this was the last time for such a ceremony or a little of both. It is very difficult to explain the experience all I know is that I feel privileged to have been married to someone who put his life on the line for the sake of others. I know Eric would not have changed a thing, he loved being a firefighter/ paramedic and I am glad that we were able to honor him in such a beautiful service. I wanted to thank Riverside City Fire for taking good care of us last weekend, the honor guards from all over California for their service, the Fire Foundation for all their hard work and to all the family and friends who were able to share this event with us and to be there to support Hunter and myself. We truly appreciate everything.

I have a video of a speech about Eric, it was read by his engineer Garret and written by Garret and Eric's captain Bob. It was beautiful, unfortunately I am having problems getting it on the blog. I will try again later.

Love to all,

Hallie

Who am I?

2010-10-04T00:03:00.000-07:00

Each and every one of has a title, something that defines who we are or what we do. Most of have many title's mom, sister, teacher, wife, vegan, homemaker and so on. It is the title that defines who we are or what we do. During the last 9 months my titles have changed and who I am is being defined all over again. This seems to be the conversation I am continually having with myself. Who am I? I was a wife, mother, teacher, daughter and so on. It was pretty clear who I was and what I was doing with my life. Now I am a widow, mother, daughter, but who am I? I have come to a place in which I have decided to figure out who I am and what my role is now. Being with Eric for 25 years left us as one person, which was easy and wonderful. Now I need to define who I am as a single person a person who has to make decisions and be an independent thinker. I don't feel that I need to do this for some societal necessity but for Hunter and myself. This part of my growing while grieving is a positive step and I am looking forward to redefining who I am and what the rest of my life will look like.

Thank you to those who will be a part of my growing and redefining who I am.

Love,

Hallie

Interesting Quote

2010-09-21T10:30:00.000-07:00

I found this Quote in a book, just thought it was interesting with some truth.

"When life offers you a dream so far beyond any of your expectations, it's not reasonable to grieve when it comes to an end."

I am certainly not saying that I am not grieving just that it is an interesting way of looking at something so terrible. As many of you know, I did feel I had a dream so far beyond my expectations and I am so thankful that I found that dream, some people never have what Eric and I had. It helps me to remember to celebrate our life together and not focus on the loss.

Happy Anniversary My Love, My Life, My Soulmate

2010-08-27T13:41:00.000-07:00

Dear Eric,

Today would have been our 18th year anniversary, it seems like it was yesterday. I remember you crying at our wedding and I wiped your tears. Actually I believe that almost everyone was crying. When we decided to get married I was so excited. It is not often that you find a love like ours, it was truly a fairy tale a " Once upon a time" story. I knew we would be married forever and when we took our vows I never thought that the "till death do us part" would happen while we were so young. It was a magical day and one I will never forget. I am so thankful we had all those years together, 25 years including dating. It has been 8 months now, I miss you so, the emptiness in my heart actually hurts.

Much has happened since that terrible day in December, but we have continued to move forward one step at a time. Hunter and I have been busy trying to keep the normal routine, it seems that has been somewhat helpful. Hunter played his 1st season of baseball without you there, it was hard and at 1st and he did not want to play but after a nice talk with Coach he did better. I tried to remember to ask him what was one good thing he did and one thing he needed to work on after each game, like you always did. Sometimes I forgot "Sorry". Hunter and I also continued the tradition of Spring training and ball park tours. We saw the Angels in March and Hunter had a blast. He got three balls form players and a bunch of signatures. We have also visited 3 ballpark of course one was Fenway. You would have loved it. April and Morgan went with us and we celebrated Hunters 11th Birthday at the game. I even had a "Happy Birthday" message in the jumbo-tron.

In January we are going to enter our name in a lottery to sit on the Green Monster, we will see. In April we went to Seattle for Easter, it was nice seeing Jamie and her family. You would have loved all the rain. We had dinner with Neil, April and 9 of the kids and Hunter fell in love with the kids. So we went back before school started so that he could have a sleep over, it was so much fun for him. I know if we lived closer they would be a big part of our family. Neil was such a wonderful friend and Hunter has bonded with a few of the boys. It reminds me of you and the relationship you had with all the laughs and fun. Also in April my parents sold their house so that they could be closer to us. They stayed in our house for a few months and just moved into their new house. It is nice having them closer especially since your gone. I did not realize how much easier it was having a two parents household. Even when you weren't feeling great I always knew I could say tag and you would take over for me. My folks also got a new puppy named Sherman, you know the one that my mom has been telling Cricket about for 3 years. He is so cute and has wormed his way into our hearts. Cece is great with him and Coco just tries to ignore him. Cece really has been a blessing for me and I just wanted to thank you again for getting her for me. I love her so and she loves me back. I take her to Hunters practices and when I take her in the car she wears her doggles. She does not love them but she wears them. People often take pictures of her and it make me smile. We have continued our travels, making memories just like last summer. We went back to Kona Village and we stayed with Kirk, Tracie and Gizmo. It was really special being there and I felt really close to you, it was great. I wish I had that feeling all the time it was very special, I know you loved it there also, maybe that is why I could feel you there. As I mentioned before we went to Boston and toured the city it was not as busy as New York and a little more family friendly. We had fantastic food, that you would have loved. It was fun being with your sister and Morgan they remind me of you and how you would get grumpy if you did not eat. We made sure we always had a full stomach.

Well school starts tomorrow and Hunter will be int he 6th grade, I can't believe he is in middles school. He is very smart just like you and very social just like me. My goal this year is to help him to stay focused and organized in school. This was something you were always good at, I hope I have learned enough from you to continue in your path. We changed your office around and painted, so Hunter has a nice place to complete his homework. He likes being in your office and we call it the "man cave".

As for me I am continuing to put my trust in God, that he knows what he is doing. Sometimes it is hard but I continue to follow your example. He must know why Hunter and I have to continue on this plant without you. It is really just not seem fair. I continue to have sleep issues at night, that is my most difficult time. I am hoping that after I start exercising I will start sleeping better. Not a moment goes by that I don't think of you, every time I look at Hunter or he flashes me that million dollar smile I think of you. He is so much like you, always positive easy going, a bit sarcastic and usually pretty funny. He has been very good during this difficult time. I am so thankful for him. He makes it easier to get up in the morning. You would be very proud of him, he is truly your son.

Hunter and I look for pennies all the time, I know when we find one it is from you. I know you are watching over us and protecting us. I am thankful for that I just wish it did not hurt so much. Our life will never be quite the same without you here. I wish that this letter would get a response from you but I know that there is no e-mail in heaven. I will continue to look for signs that you are with us. I will always love you.

Your wife and true love,

Hallie

Camp Widow

2010-08-20T21:06:00.000-07:00

Hello,

I know it has been some time since my last post and I am sorry about that. I am always thinking about what to write and then time just slips by. I always know it is time when others e-mail or call to see if everything is ok. This blog for them is a way of connecting to me without having to actually ask....How are you doing? How is Hunter etc.... Of course it is a way for me to discuss feeling, emotions and activities without having to worry about what others are thinking and if I am saying too much. It really is a wonderful tool and one I am thankful to have in my situation. The Internet has opened me up to a group of other widows and widowers, many who blog about their experiences, others are my facebook friends and now a few of us are moving into a new place, a place where friendships are developing though our tragedy. I certainly don't feel lucky but I do feel fortunate to have found this online support network .

A few weekends ago I went to a conference called "Camp Widow" it was in San Diego and I was able to meet many of my online friends. It was a very emotional experience for all of us. Some of us had lost our loved ones within the year and others it had been longer, much longer. There were many many women who are my age and younger with young children and others who are older with grown children. The one thing we all had in common was we have all lost our spouse. It was the first time for me to be in a room of people and not feel like I am the odd one, the one who lost her husband. We were all in the same "club" like it or NOT. We were all able to laugh and death jokes and cry at the same time. We all understood each others weird sense of humor and understood each others grief. Each and everyone of us knew exactly what the other was feeling, this great sense of loss.

This program was put on by an organization called Soaring Spirits Loss Foundation

http://www.sslf.org/ it was started by a women, Michele H and her friend Michelle D, who also lost their husbands. Michele H gave the keynote speech and it was truly inspiring. She said that our life can be compared to rock climbing. We all are some where in this pit trying to make our way out of the grief. Sometimes we are able to climb up, other times we have to go sideways in order to go forward and sometimes we fall back to the bottom. Each and everyone of us in in a different place and those of us who have made it to the top are able to help pull others to the top. When I was listening to her I could actually see this picture she was painting and I was able to connect with her thoughts on the process of grieving. It feels so right on, sometimes I feel just that way. I may be moving up, falling down or just going sideways. I have a linked a copy of what Michele said, so please take a look and if you know anybody who what benefit from this site or from SSLF please pass along the information. It is nice to know that I have a support network who knows exactly what I am going though and I can turn to them any time of the day or night.

http://widowsvoice-sslf.blogspot.com/2010/08/foot-holds.html

Thank you all for your support and friendship,

Hallie

Marriage & Conversations

2010-07-24T11:51:00.000-07:00

There are many things that happens when you are married and have shared so much with your spouse. One of the things I miss the most is the conversation we would have, even if we were not actually speaking. Our conversations would involve words, jesters, body language, facial expressions and glances. We seem to always know what the other person was thinking and what they would have said. There are so many times that I want to share something with Eric, whether it's about something funny, ridiculous, your never guess, OMG ect..... I think oh I 'll just call Eric, look at my phone and then realize that he won't answer my call. If I am somewhere with a group of people I often look for him to steal a glance or an expression so he knows what I am thinking. When I am on my way home from something I am excited to share my experiences with him and then realize that when I open the door he won't be there to greet me and listen to my story. I was one of the lucky wives who had a husband that liked to talk and we would talk for hours. When he was at work we would talk each night before bed and many times during the day. If I was gone he would call me often and we would chat. Then with texting we would send little messages during the day. This is one of the things I miss the most, I have so much to share with him. I know I can talk to the sky but he can't talked back and then people will think I am a bit off. So for those of you who are lucky enough to have a spouse or significant other remember to share and share often, talk to each other, listen to each other and enjoy the conversation because one day it may all change.

Love,

Hallie

All Star Game

2010-07-11T23:42:00.001-07:00

One of the things that Eric always wanted to do was to go to the All Star Game. It was a childhood dream as I am sure it is for all young boys. For those of you who don't follow baseball this is the game that happens once a year between the American and National teams. It is packed full of fun beside the game there is the home run derby, fan fest, celebrity baseball and much more. Well the fun has already started in Anaheim as the Angles will be hosting the All Star Game this week. On Monday I will be taking Hunter and my niece to the Home run derby in honor of Eric. On Tuesday Hunter will be surprised by his Aunt with tickets to the actual game. (He is going to be so happy). Eric and I talked about it before he passed away and it was one of the request he had for me to do with Hunter. As you can imagine it is bitter sweet for me. I am happy to take Hunter and Morgan but there will be an sadness because Eric is not there physically with us. I hope that I will be able to live though Hunters total excitement and enjoy the moment for what it is worth. Knowing that Eric would have been so excited just as if he were an almost 11 year old boy. So this one is for Eric!

Hawaiian Flower Ceremony

2010-06-22T21:25:00.000-07:00

While in Hawaii Hunter and I had the opportunity to experience a beautiful ceremony to remember Eric and his life. Our friend lead us though the tradition of throwing the flower lei's into the ocean. It was one of the most beautiful things that I have experienced. We had the chance to visit this area last year and the connection I feel to Eric there is eeire. We did not stay at the resort long last year we were only there one night while visiting the Brewer ohana but the strong feeling I had while there this time is something I can not really put into words. I have a short video which I am having trouble loading but is on facebook and some pictures to share with you and I hope that you see the specialness of the ceremony. It was truly amazing.

In addition to the ceremony I also wanted to share another strange thing that cant be explained although the Hawaiian people have a theory. While in Hawaii last year our friends gave us a flower lei and two ti leaf leis for Eric and Hunter. The ti leafs are taken from the plant and made into a long rope like necklace, they are to believed to be a plant of protection. After a few months they should turn brown because they are not alive anymore. Well when I was at our friends house I saw one of their's and it was dried and brownish. I asked if that is what it is supposed to look like and they said yeas after about 3 or 4 months. Well it has been a year and it is still green, they asked around and everyone said of course it should be brown and dried it has been almost a year. So you ask what does this mean? Well from what the beliefs are 2 thoughts, 1...it is still green because Eric is here protecting us and the green plant is a sign of his presents....2...Eric is keeping it alive...a sign that he is here and possible he has a message for us or something to tell us. I am really not sure what to believe but the one thing I know is that the green ti leaf lei should be brown and dried and brittle and it is green and flexible.

Forks and Decisions

2010-06-10T23:12:00.000-07:00

In life we often come to a fork in the road, decisions are made and our lives can change for good or bad. It seems that the last 5 months I have had many forks in the road. Decisions had to be made which definitely changed my life. Some have been hard, some have been easy and I am still waiting on the results of most of them. This week one of the decisions I made had to be finalized. It was a very difficult thing for me to do. I had to clean out my class and pack up my stuff. It felt like I had to say goodbye to another family member. I have grown to love my kids as my own, I would do anything for them. The decision to leave my class was one that did not come easy but because of the fork in the road I was made to make a decision. On the other side of this decision is Hunter and my need to be with him during this difficult time in our lives. I know that my students will miss whatever I was able to bring to the class and hopefully my replacement can fill the void and treat them as if they are family. So as another chapter in my life changes and doors open and close I hope I made the right decision for the sake of my students, my son and for me.

God bless,

Hallie

Sleeplessness.......

2010-06-02T03:21:00.000-07:00

What makes nights so difficult? Why does your mind always have to think just when it is time to sleep. I love to sleep but I have found that it is often difficult to sleep since Eric died, I was used to him gone at work and it is not like I never slept in the bed alone so why is this such a big deal? I know that nobody has the answer and I am really not looking for an answer....I guess it is just on of those things....the things that come from being a widow. This is one of the things that I just hate.....it is so quite and I really am tired but everything that needs to get done enters my mind and then of course I start thinking about Eric and how he just made everything better. No matter what was going on he always made the difficult stuff easier to handle. I miss him so and I wish he was here now during this 3am ranting to just make everything better....to hold me and to assure me that no matter what happens it will be ok......

PS.....at least the dog can sleep...she is sleeping in my spot...go figure.

Boy Scouts here I come....

2010-05-19T22:10:00.000-07:00

Hunter joined cub scouts in 1st grade and we have had 5 busy years growing, having fun and making new friends. Since Eric had an odd schedule and he was more of an hotel guy, I did most of the activities (under some protest) with Hunter. During his time as a cub scout we went summer & winter camping, (we even sleep on the snow), we hiked, went to den and pack meetings, made pine wood derby cars, rockets and boats, went on go see its, did service hours just to name a few. Hunter made wonderful friends with the boys and enjoys every minute of scouts. Last month he and his den crossed over into boy scouts. They all earned the highest rank in cub scouts, Arrow of Light, and had a beautiful ceremony to celebrate. The boys all joined the same boy scout troop and have begun to participate in activities. Hunter knows that I am going to step back a bit from scouts, and let him explore scouts with support from me but not as much involvement. I love that he enjoys camping, outdoor activities, getting dirty, learning, growing and maturing. I hope he enjoys many more years of Scouts.

Mother's Day

2010-05-10T22:06:00.000-07:00

Just a quick note to let everyone know that I had a wonderful Mother's Day with my little boy. He let me sleep in, made me coffee and brought me Krispy Kreme donuts in bed. We stayed in our P.J. until the afternoon and watched TV together. It can't get much better than that! It was a really nice day. Fortunately Mother's day has never really been a big deal for me it has always been about my mom, grandma and Eric's mom. I have spend other Mother's Day's without Eric because of his work schedule so it was not so unusual for us to be without him. So that being said this first was not as bad as it could have been. I am not looking forward to Father's Day but I have planned for us to be on vacation that day so hopefully it won't be too bad either. I hope all of you mothers had a wonderful Mother's Day....I know you all deserved it!

Love,

Hallie

All kinds of stuff

2010-04-25T21:33:00.000-07:00

Yeah, we gotta start
Looking at the hands of the time we've been given
If this is all we got and we gotta start thinking
If every second counts on a clock that's ticking
Gotta live like we're dying

We only got 86,400 seconds in a day to
Turn it all around or to throw it all away
We gotta tell them that we love them
While we got the chance to say
Gotta live like we're dying

These are the words from a song by Kris Allen, Hunter and I like his music and we really like this song...especially since we have a different perspective on things now. I only share this with you since some time has passed and we again get suck into our daily lives and the little things we think are important turn out to be not so important in the scheme of life. So these lyrics help us to remember to say I love you and make sure that every moment counts....don't put things off and don't get so caught up in the daily little things that you forget the big things in life.

Ok, now on to some other stuff.....The BIG decision was whether I continue working or not. Those of you who know me know that I love my job and I love the students I work with. It is a rewarding job and one that I am excited to do everyday. Don't get me wrong it has it's negatives also but I did it for the kids....my kids... Well now that I am the sole caretaker of Hunter and still dealing with my own mental & physical needs I found it challenging to put my heart and sole into a job and have not a lot left over for Hunter. He has needs as well that have to get meet. So a decision had to be made work or not work. Fortunately the decision was not entirely up to me since politics and philosophy had some hand in helping make the decision. So for now I am not working and have decided to spend the time with Hunter, making sure his needs are meet and on myself. I hope that I can get back to the classroom later but only God knows the doors that will open and close for me in the future.

Thank you for all your prayers and words of encouragement. It is so nice to have such a big support group.

Love,

Hallie

Decisions...

2010-04-15T15:42:00.000-07:00

One of the most difficult things about Eric not being here is how difficult decision making has become. Of course I am talking about big life changing decisions....the little ones I have under control. Even though I know what Eric would be saying, it was nice to have a sounding board and knowing that what ever advice he had for me it was always up to me to make the final call. I also knew that he would support me even if the decision was not right. I know that I can talk to friends but they will not be there to help pick up the pieces if it all goes bad....I have my parents but then I risk the "I told you so"......I also have Hunter but his advice is really only good if it involves playing baseball. So that leaves me with another void in my life one that is very obvious to me since I am faced with some big decision making. I wish I could elaborate but in time.....for now just pray that I make the right decision for myself and Hunter.

Thanks for listening,

Hallie

Happy Birthday Eric!

2010-04-11T17:13:00.000-07:00

Well today was another first and another new tradition. For the last 24 years I celebrated Eric birthday on April 11th, and today was the first that Eric was not here for his birthday. He would have been 42 years old today. So another new first......and a new tradition...celebrating my birthday on his special day. Since he passed away on my birthday it seems impossible to celebrate my birthday knowing that was the day he died. So I took a suggestion from a friend and decide to celebrate my special day on his special day, it was not the happiest of celebration but a day for our families to get together and celebrate the life of Eric and myself. I opened up the presents and cards from my birthday and we enjoyed ice cream cake. There was no singing, candles or other festive things you would think of coming with a birthday. Growing up my birthday was always a very special day for me, being so close to Christmas my mom always made sure it was special and did not get over looked. I have to say that I enjoyed my new special day and enjoyed the company I kept. I am not sure what the future has in store for me but I know that making my special day on Eric's special day is a tradition that I will look forward to in the future. I also wanted to thank everyone who gave me cards and presents in December, I opened then today. Thank you!

Love,

Hallie

Easter

2010-04-04T20:08:00.000-07:00

Happy Easter as it turns out this Easter has been easier than expected, I guess because it was not unusual for Eric to be working on Easter and for Hunter and I to do our own thing anyhow. So this year to help ease the sadness and begin a new tradition Hunter and I traveled to Seattle to spend Easter with my cousin Jamie and her family. She has 2 girls and it was great to see Hunter and the girls enjoy the fun of Easter morning. We went to a fantastic Brunch and all had naps! I know that Eric was with us today and I am sure enjoyed his own Easter in Heaven. I guess we have had another 1st without Eric and I am glad that we can mark it off our check list of 1st. Not sure how other 1st will go but so happy that I got though our 1st Easter.

I hope that you all had a wonderful celebration with family and friends remembering the sacrifice that was made for us in order to have this celebration.

Love to all,

Hey Mom!

2010-03-31T20:08:00.000-07:00

HUNTER: "Hey Mom do we have a sander?"

ME: Yes but why? No answer

ME: Do you mean sand paper?

HUNTER: No a answer

ME: What for?

HUNTER: "Come down here..."

ME: Oh this can't be good

So I go down stairs to see what could Hunter possible want the sander for......oh the wall!!!!! Well he wrote on the wall and thought he could just sand it off. I tried to explain that if he tried to use the sander on the wall it would make a big hole. The walls are not wood. So Mr. Clean Magic Eraser was a much better solution.

Problem solved......just thought I'd share.

Spring Baseball

2010-03-28T23:09:00.000-07:00

Hey everyone sorry it has been so long since my last post. I am going to keep it light today and know that each day is a new day some are good and some just really suck.

Well most of you realize that Hunter is a lover of baseball and since the weather is warmer it is obvious that it is that time of year again. Hunter is playing ball and having a good time. He is on a great team with a great coaching staff, we are really lucky. We also started the watching of ball with the Angles. Last weekend we went to Tempe and watched the Angels play against the Mariners. I won't comment on the game but lets just say we had a good time anyhow, at least it is only spring training and I am sure it is not a refection of whats to come.....Right? So we got tot he field by 10am Hunter was not going to be a minute late.....we watched the minor league at batting practice.....then the major players. Hunter was handed 3 balls from various players, he was so excited. He used these balls to get his signatures. Now he could tell you all the players but I don't remember there names but the pictures you see are with Mickey Hatcher, Brandon Wood & Reggie Willits. After the practice we watched a 4 1/2 hour game! Then we had dinner and meet a few members of the team. On Monday we toured the Diamond Back field, this was our 4th stadium tour only 26 more to go.....It was a great way to spend the weekend with Hunter.

Since we were in Arizona we also saw Eric's family which was nice and good for everyone.

Hugs

2010-03-12T23:39:00.000-08:00

As many of you know Eric had wonderful hugs, someone told me the other day that when Eric hugged you you knew that it was a pure hug from the heart. Of course I had all different kids of hugs from him so when I was asked if I felt the same way I said "I don't know"......his hugs were great but I was also in love with him. I knew that he gave great hugs because he hugged everybody and he always hugged with passion. You just knew from peoples reactions that it was a great hug......not in a creepy hold on too long uncomfortable way. It was not too hard it was not wimpy, it was a pure hug from the heart. Eric would call these "A" hugs.......this started with our niece Morgan. So you ask what is the point of all this...does it really matter what kind of hugs he gave. Well the answer is of course yes for obvious reasons but really the message I want to get out is to hug. I am sure some of you are huggers by nature and some of you never hug. What if you never gave or received hug? What if something awful happened and you did not get in that last hug? What if someone just needed a hug to help them get though their day? What if that person was you? I am sure it is important to be remembered in many ways after you are no longer here on earth but what a great way for my Eric to be remember......not only as a kind and wonderful man, a good advise giver but as a great hugger. So the next time you give a hug make sure it is an "A" hug. And remember to hug often!

Love and HUGS!!!

Hallie

Widow's Grief

2010-03-01T21:15:00.000-08:00

I found this post on another blog, which she had found on yet another blog so I cannot give the author credit. When I read it I new it was just what I wanted to say. So thank you to the unknown author........

Widow's Grief

I wish my husband hadn't died. I wish I had him back

Please don't be afraid to speak my husband's name. My husband lived and was very important to me. I appreciate hearing that he was important to you as well.

If I cry and get emotional when you talk about my husband, know that it isn't because you have hurt me. My husband 's death is the cause of my tears. You have talked about my husband, and you have allowed me to share my grief. I thank you for both.

Please don't feel you need to remove his pictures, artwork, or other remembrances from your home. They are a reminder that he lived and loved. They don't make me sad. The fact that he's dead makes me sad. I love to see pictures of him and things he was a part of.

Being a bereaved wife is not contagious, so please don't shy away from me. I need you more than ever. But sometimes I'm not going to be very fun to be around, or I'm not going to accept your invitation. Please don't give up on me and accept me for being able to do what I can cope with at the time. Just because I've said no to the past four invitations doesn't mean I'm going to say no to the next one. I appreciate you patience with me.

I need diversions, so I do want to hear about you, but I also want you to hear about me. I might be sad and I might cry, but I appreciate it if you let me talk about my husband, my favorite topic of the day.

I know that you think of and pray for me often. I also know that my husband's death pains you, too. Please feel free to let me know things through a phone call, a card or a note, or a real big hug.

Please don't expect my grief to be over in this first year. These first few months have traumatic for me, but I need you to understand that my grief will never be over. I will always miss my husband, and I will always grieve that he is dead. I will suffer the death of my husband until the day I die.

Please don't expect me "not to think about it" or to "be happy". I always think about him and happiness is something that I can't just make happen, so don't frustrate yourself. On days when I seem happy or seem not to be thinking about it, know that some bereaved wives are Academy Award winning actresses. And even if I'm genuinely happy, I'm still thinking about him every second of every day and wishing he was here.

I don't want to have a "pity party," but I hope you will let me grieve in the way I need to. I must hurt before I can heal. I will let you know what I need and I'd appreciate it if you just accept whatever it is. I'm working really hard on honoring and feeling my grief, so I heal as well as possible. And know that as I'm healing, large scars are being formed on my heart.

I wish you understood how my life has shattered. I know it is miserable for you to be around me when I'm feeling miserable. Please be as patient with me as I am with you.

When I say, "I'm doing okay," I hope you understand that I don't always feel okay and that I struggle daily with this new reality.

I have many new areas in my life that I'm now solely responsible for, plus grieving the loss of my love, and some days, many days, that is overwhelming. When I became a Mom, I knew that my marriage would always remain, that I'd never be a single parent because of divorce. I never thought about being a single parent because of death. It is so hard to just be the only parent and hold down a full time job, without even adding the overwhelming burden of the grief we all feel. Thank you for your support of my family. We need it now more than ever.

I want you to know that all of the grief reactions I'm having are very normal. Depression, anger, hopelessness and overwhelming sadness are all to be expected. So please excuse me when I'm quiet and withdrawn or irritable and cranky.

I'm not only taking my life one day at a time, but one hour at a time, one minute at a time. Please be patient with me.

Grief changes people. When my husband died, a big part of me died with him. I am not the same person I was before my husband died, and I will never be that person again. Please don't look for her. She's not coming back.

I wish very much that you could understand - understand my loss and my grief, my silence and my tears, my void and my pain. But I pray daily that you will never understand.

What Dead is Forever.........

2010-02-18T21:50:00.000-08:00

Ok really I know the answer to this statement......but REALLY I am so over it. I am ready for Eric to come home and take care of stuff. I really don't like handling everything, dead car batteries, tax season, paying bills, handling Hunters emotional issues (Eric was really much better at these things than I am). I just need Eric to come and tell me what to do and give me his advice. I have had enough of him being gone. As I was talking with his mom we realized that as the days pass it is not getting easier...it is actually getting harder. We are all ready for him to return and since we know he is not the harsh reality of what is actually happening is hitting home. It really just sinks and I feel like half of who I am is gone. I have always been a very independent type person but at the end of the day I always relied on Eric to be the man and take care of all the stuff. To take care of the family, to make the decisions that needed to be made and to provide me with the advice that would help me make the right decisions in life. Sometimes you just don't realize how much your better half does until you are left to it all on your own. All I know it this is getting old and I am ready for Eric to return. I hope as time passes this harsh reality will be a little less painful.

Love,

Hallie

Happy Valentine s Day

2010-02-14T20:05:00.001-08:00

Happy Valentines Day......I hope everyone is having a wonderful day. Like I said before this was never really an important day for Eric and I so this 1st has not been too difficult. Although Hunter and I are in Iowa....frezeeing......so maybe the good company we are with helps the potential pain be less. Also with advice from my mother Hunter made it special for me....a simply rose and a beautiful card. OK so I said we are in Iowa, visiting friends, Hunter meet his first real friend, Isabella, at 18 months and they have been friends for 9 years. As a matter of fact their 1st play date was making Valentines Day cookies together. Obviously I became best friends with the mom and than our husbands also became great friends. Brandy and Jose have walked with us though many journeys and us with them. Since I have to endure this 1st I am glad that I am not alone.....I can't think of a better way to spend this potentially painful holiday with my BFF and her amazing family. Hunter an I are grateful, not only for the Rodriguez family, but for all the friends that have been so wonderful during the last 7 weeks.....and 2 years. I hope that everyone is with that special person or person's on this special day.

Lot's of Love
Hallie

A Few 1st.......

2010-02-07T13:07:00.000-08:00

Well it has been six weeks today since Eric passed away. It is amazing how easy it is for me to keep tract of time, as each week passes. In my old normal life I would never be able to tell you how many weeks it had been since anything. As you can tell from the title I have a few 1st to discuss, things I did not think would be difficult. Last week I took Eric's car in for servicing, those of you who know Eric knew he loved his car. I only ever went with him to drive him home. All the people know him and knew the situation. I thought to myself this will be fine and it was all good until they asked what kind of oil I wanted in the car. The tears just started coming, I felt bad for the guy helping me I am sure it is not a usual reaction to a relatively easy question. Anyhow I did survive but just a little surprised. The other thing that has taken be by surprise is how difficult it has been to be with Eric's family. Since the funeral I have had one birthday party and this weekend I am in Arizona with Eric's family and sister April. You would think that after 24 years it would be like visiting my family. It's not that I am uncomfortable it's just another reminder that Eric is not here. I suppose it is the same for them seeing Hunter and myself with out Eric. When we talk about stories, reminisce about the days of past and even the silliness and laughter that comes with his family I can't help but to think about him and miss his presence. I just did not think that this was going to be as difficult as it has been. I know as with anything as time goes by it will be easier and the laughter and stories will be a way for Hunter and I to remember Eric without any sadness. I know that this year there will be alot of 1st, some of them I feel that I am prepared for and others I know will catch me off guard. With Valentine's day approaching many of you are thinking this may be difficult because it is a 1st and it is the day of Love. I am hoping that the day will go by as any other because everyday with Eric was Valentine's Day. We never really made a big fuss about what we called a "Hallmark Holiday" I think it should be fine but I could be caught off guard. I guess I won't know until it happens.

Until next time,
Lot's of Love
Hallie

Marriage

2010-02-02T09:59:00.000-08:00

Sunday at church a couple renewed their wedding vows. This of course got me thinking about marriage and the vows we take. The union of marriage is sacred and all to often after a few years we forget what we said on that beautiful day. Lets take a look at those vows.

I, (Bride/Groom), take you (Groom/Bride), to be my (wife/husband), to have and to hold from this day forward, for better or for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish; from this day forward until death do us part.

As I sit here and blog I can say that Eric and I lived out each and every vow. I wish I could say this is exciting but obviously the death do us part things really stinks. We had our ups and downs especially after Hunter was born..... Eric gave me the talk at Home Depot (most people don't have life altering talks at the hardware store). We had times that were financially tough, in fact we were told by a church psychologist that our marriage would never make it because we had no money. I just love proving people wrong. I mean don't get me wrong having good paying jobs does make things a whole lot easier. We both had our times of being sick and healthy, we were pretty lucky because neither of us had many illnesses in our life. It was not until the brain cancer that we really had to deal with sickness. As the wife of a terminally ill husband I was honored to be able to take care of Eric. I could not imagine anyone else taking care of him. I only wish I could have done it for many more years. Of course we loved and cherished each other, Eric took amazingly good care of me. I am so lucky to have had a love like ours, many people never experience that kind of love but I am happy to say I did. I can honestly say Eric was the perfect husband. People often said we had a fairy tale love, one you only see in movies. All this being said and I did tell Eric this before he passed, even as awful as it is we actually got to live everyone of our vows. The good the bad......the happy the sad.....the sickness and health.....the death do us part.

As I noted before people often take for granted there vows, what it means to be a wife or husband. It takes work to be in a fairy tale, it does not come easily. I wish that everyone could have what I had with Eric. Don't let time go by and life stuff get in the way of your marriage. Take time to enjoy your spouse, make time for each other, relive your love each and everyday. From my own experience time is so precious and I can say with out any regrets that Eric and I had the perfect marriage and even though he his not physically here our love with last a life time. This is my wish for all of you.

This Only Parent Thing....and A Rat

2010-01-26T22:59:00.000-08:00

So I am OK and most of the time doing OK, as time goes by I seem to be missing Eric more and more....I just want to talk to him and let him know what is happening, how my day has gone and all the crazy stuff that goes on. I really don't like taking care of the things Eric always did. I guess I will get used to some things like paying bills, going to the bank, doing the laundry.....other things I am not sure I will get used to like a RAT in the garage, picking up soggy dog..... or being an only parents. I really did not think about being an only parent, I thought a lot about other stuff but not about being the only one to be with Hunter and interact with him by myself. It is amazing how often I would tag team with Eric. It seemed just when I had enough, Eric would jump in an take over. It was seamless and worked out so well. Now here I am trying to take care off all this stuff, paperwork, phone calls, A RAT, cleaning Eric's office and then here comes my loving, energetic bundle of joy. Who by the way is going though his own emotions and adjustments. Sometimes I just want to scream....not at Hunter but at the situation. Eric knew right when I was at the point when I needed my own space and time to reflect on stuff. He would jump in and take over, now the questions is how do I do this only parent thing, making sure that Hunter's needs are being meet as well as my own? I don't really expect an answer from anyone...I am mostly just venting. Since like I noted in the beginning of this blog I can't talk to Eric and let him know how my day went.

Thanks for reading and now that my Internet is back up and working I will hopefully be here more often.

Lots of Love to all....

Things Eric did not Love.....

2010-01-20T19:09:00.000-08:00

Here is another list only thought it fitting....again no particular order....enjoy

trying new foods
dirty hands
eating at home
me not finishing a project
a dirty car
dishes in the sink
people saying one thing than doing another
dumping trash into the outside can without a trash bag liner
our old Midway City apartment and our neighbors
people fussing over him
fruits and vegetables
rice
pasta
me biting my nails
shopping
sleeping with the TV on
talking about ghost's
doctors
72's
Coco eating rabbit droppings
rudeness
cub scouts
camping
coffee
sleeping in
laying around the house
lawn work
me driving his car
my soap opera
short hair (only mine)
too much make up
lot's of noise or crazy stuff at our house
Coco wandering the neighborhood
spaghetti
breakfast
family drama
traveling-or at least getting to and from
watching TV
people's stupidity- or lack of common sense
people not returning his phone call
laziness

Also I wanted to provide a link to the site that has all the pictures from before and during the funeral taken by the Riverside Fire Department. They are amazing...enjoy.

www.rivfiredepartment.blogspot.com/

Things Eric loved.....

2010-01-16T21:51:00.000-08:00

I am writing a list of things that Eric loved to help me and of course for Hunter later in life. It is no particular order just thoughts....so enjoy.

me and Hunter
getting the mail
wearing t-shirts and shorts
Las Vegas
Nestle Quik
salt and vinegar chips
Sweet Maui Onion chips
watching sports
playing sports
Wahoo's fish taco
meat and potatoes
being funny
reading
playing baseball with Hunter
financial planning
dark chocolate
See's candy-Bordeaux
Kona's Longboard beer
sarcasm
taking care of the family
his family
my family
mint chocolate chip ice cream-Breyers
soft warm chocolate chips cookies
techno music
his Acura
fire department
the computer
playing web-kinz on the computer
eating
his office
the fire truck
Disneyland
roller coasters
laughing
tickling us
his Dyson vacuum
God
burn notice
doing the laundry
fast food
girl talk
Christmas
making sure I knew I was special
checking my e-mail
the sound of the ocean
the sound of rain
learning
reading directions
his short hair
my long hair
red hair
Monday's-because we went back to school
public speaking
the dogs
Bakers- (fast food)
The Big Dude sandwich
Station 13
hugging & kissing
coke
clean house-messy office
Monday night football
Sunday night baseball
Ken's thousand island dressing
my long nails

I'm a What!!!!

2010-01-15T21:34:00.000-08:00

That's right I am a widow.......As I reflect on what that means I am still a little unsure what exactly that means. I tried to explain it to Hunter and even that was difficult. Am I a Ms. or a Mrs.? Am I single? Do I take off my wedding ring? How to I fill out papers? What do I tell people. I still feel married, does that change? It is hard to believe that it has been almost 3 weeks. So many things go through my head about the past and the future. So many questions I ask myself hoping for some kind of answer, usually I am waiting for Eric's wisdom. Of course I guess I will just have to figure things out for myself. As I mentioned before it does seem like Eric is at work. I guess the benefit of being a firefighters wife is that I am used to being home alone with Hunter. I guess is some ways it is a blessing, other than I know I am not going to talk to him on the phone, I am used to being by myself. I know Eric is here and I do talk with him. Yesterday a penny hit my leg when I was sitting down. Pretty sure it was Eric he loved pennies. Anyhow all thing considered I feel like I am doing pretty good....except the questions that linger. It seems that Hunter is doing ok also.....I try and talk to him about Eric and I try and get him to express his feelings. At 10 it is obviously different than for a 40 year old widow.....I am sure he will struggle later when important things happen in his life. Fortunately for us he has a whole fire department that is ready to help try and make his life events memorable.

For those of you wondering I am going to keep the blog going....instead of Eric's unknown journey it is now our unknown journey. Thanks for reading and for all the support.

Lots of Love to all....

A Celebration of Life.....

2010-01-10T21:36:00.000-08:00

We celebrated Eric's Life on Wednesday, January 6th 2010. It was by all accounts the most beautiful celebration one could ever hope for and certainly more than Eric would have ever expected. For those of you who were there I know you were as amazed as I was, the love and support was simply over whelming. It would have made a simple man like Eric proud. I am not sure how to explain everything but for those of you who weren't able to make it I will do my best. At about 10:15 the final call for Eric Botkin went over the loud speaker at station 1 and that is when it started. Hunter, Eric and myself headed down the street in the engine that Eric had spent so much time on. I am sure it was all to familiar to him but for Hunter and I it was a first and a bit overwhelming. We were driven my Eric's engineer Garrett and his Captain was in the Captain seat. As we drove down the street following the big pipe players and being followed by many others, people were on the street taking pictures and watching. I am sure they were wondering who was this person? We made it down the street to a sea of blue saluting the engine. It was simple amazing. After a short time we headed into the church to begin the service. The mass was more than I could of hoped for and I am so glad that it provided the comfort that I needed during this difficult time. Captain Markin was by my side each and every moment and of course Hunter. The songs were the hardest for me not only because they are my favorite but also because they were the songs at our wedding. The mass was what was to be expected but at the end was when the fire department did their part. Hunter and I received the medals, the flag and Hunter was given a fire helmet made just for him. The Final bell was rung, Taps was played and of course Amazing Grace was played on the bag pipes. It was simple amazing and I was at that very moment so proud to be the wife of a fire fighter......to a man who eventually gave his life to help others. When the service ended we headed to the reception. Eric's engine was in front followed by at least 35 others, it was a beautiful day and a beautiful sight to see. I am sure I have not given justice to the bigness of the event but hopefully the pictures can do a little of it for me.

You can also see the write up in the Press Enterprise by following this link.

Riverside firefighter gets a final farewell | Inland News | PE.com | Southern California News | News for Inland Southern California

The Final Breath

2010-01-10T20:48:00.000-08:00

Ok I am going to write several blog's in a row each with a different piece of the last two weeks....that is right it has been two weeks since Eric's passing...I continue to wait for him to come home from work.

This blog is going to be about his final breath and the experience that came with that breath. So if you don't want to know than please stop reading and move onto the next blog, otherwise here it is.

As you all know Eric had a difficult time on the 26th and he started to take morphine and an anti-anxiety medicine. It took about 12 hours for him to settle down and for the medicine to take effect. Once the medicine took hold other than the breathing he was very peaceful. Eric had decided a few week before all this that his time here on earth was over and he was ready to move on and he was a little irritated that he was still here. On Christmas morning he woke up and said "why and I still here? " and "what is he waiting for?" The answer was of course...it is not your time yet. I believe that this acceptance and readiness to move to eternity was what made this transition so peaceful and easy for him. Ok so Eric was on oxygen since 3pm on the 27th and I am not sure it was helpful for him but it made us all feel very good. It was a very busy day with lots of family and friends over visiting Eric and trying to make my birthday somewhat ok. It settled down about 9:30 or so and we were all getting ready for bed. My mom, friend Christina, Eric's Uncle Phil, mother and our friend Steve from the fire department were here to support us. I blogged about 10ish or so and was tucking Hunter into bed. Eric's mom and I were standing next to Eric I was at the foot of the bed and Dianna was holding his hand. Steve was also in the room, Hunter had gotton up to go to the rest room. Everyone else was out of the room. Dianna looked at me and said I think he is not breathing.....I walked to his side and he took one last big breath and then just stopped breathing. Steve stepped over and looked for a pulse and then confirmed what we already knew. Eric was gone. Hunter came out of the bathroom and I had him come over to hug Eric and told him that daddy had passed. There were some tears from all but I think shock was the main emotion. Hunter and I sat next to Eric and held his hand and the song Edelweiss (The sound of Music) came on the TV. This was my grandfather, who passed away 30 years ago, favorite song. It was in a way comforting.....it was a sign that Eric was in heaven with my grandfather. Anyhow as I said before it was peaceful for Eric and it really did seem that he moved on without a fight. The family and friends were notified and so was the fire Department. Engine 13 came to the house and a flag ceremony was completed. The flag ceremony was just beautiful and so natural. It is exactly has it should have been. I have video and pictures but I am not sure it should be posted. So for now it will just stay private.

I hope this answers a few questions on his final breath......

The Celebration!

2010-01-06T22:48:00.000-08:00

Today we celebrated my loving husbands life. It was so touching and wonderful. I am so tired I just can't put all my feelings down but I will as soon as possible. I did want to share a few pictures so please enjoy and thank you everyone for making it a moment we will never forget!

A Week later....

2010-01-04T01:40:00.000-08:00

Well my license expired on my birthday and my husband is still gone. Being the wife of a firefighter there were occasions that Eric would be gone for several days or could be longer if on a wild fire. It almost seems like we are just waiting for him to return. Although I know this is not the case, the planning is in full swing and everything is coming together. Of course I only know this because my mom is keeping me posted on all the details and asking questions only when needed. The department and my mom have been working furiously on getting everything taken care of, so far there was only one small glitch but as always it seems to have worked out for the better. Some of you understand the grief I am in while others wonder why my mom is handling all the details. I put out the questions to those of you......How could I possibly? Why would I want to plan a funeral for the person whom I love the most? Not to mention I have a ten year old that needs my undivided attention. As I said before I feel like I am waiting for his return from work, if I plan a funeral than it must be real. So here it is 1:50 in the morning and I am not able to sleep, writing on Eric's blog, feeling some weird sort of catholic guilt about the funeral and wondering really how am I supposed to make decision about anything let alone finale farewell to the man I love the most.

So a BIG thank you to all of you who are putting in countless hours of planning and know that I am truly grateful for everything. To the RFD, my mom all all those involved I don't even know about. Thank you.

Update on service an stuff....

2009-12-31T20:21:00.001-08:00

Parking

There are two public pay parking structures and limited street pay parking in the area. The parking structures are located at:

13th Street and Lime Street

12th Street and Lemon Street

Condolences and Donations

In lieu of flowers, the Botkin family is requesting donations be made to the Eric Botkin Memorial Fund. This benevolent fund will provide assistance to City of Riverside Fire Department families experiencing hardships due to serious line-of-duty injuries or illnesses. Donations may be sent to:

The Eric Botkin Memorial Fund

c/o Riverside City Firefighters Association

PO Box 7817

Riverside, CA 92513-7817

Checks may be made payable to RCFA, with a note in the memo section of "Eric Botkin Memorial Fund".

The Funeral Information

2009-12-30T09:25:00.000-08:00

The services are set for Wednesday, January 6th, 2010 at 11:00 am. The procession will begin at 10:30. Parking is being worked on and I will get more info out at I learn more. The fire department is handling everything with help from my mom. Eric had the reverse flag ceremony this morning and is being cremated right now. The fire department will take his ashes back to his fire station where he will stay until the day of the service.

If you are coming from out of town and want to stay by the house I have a block of rooms at the Hampton Inn, the reservation is under Botkin.

28190 Jefferson Avenue, Temecula, California, USA 92590

Tel:951-506-2331 Fax:951-506-2332

Also in lue of flowers I am setting up a memorial fund with The City of Riverside Fire Department in Eric's name. I will get that info to you as soon as possible.

Church:

St Francis De Sales Catholic

4268 Lime Street

Riverside, CA 92501-3820

(951) 686-4004

www.stfrancisdesales

Reception Hall

The Grove Community Church

-19900 Grove Community Dr.

Riverside, CA 92508

(951) 571-9090 http://thegrove.cc/

Great Sadness!!

2009-12-27T23:01:00.000-08:00

Eric Carl Botkin

4-11-68 to 12-27-2009

Fought a tough fight against cancer

Passes away peacefully surrounded by family and friends

10:30 pm

Unhappy Birthday!

2009-12-27T21:19:00.000-08:00

Well as some of you know it is my 40th birthday today. I never thought that I would be going though something like this in my life let alone on my 40th birthday. Growing up my mom always made sure my birthday was special because it was so close to Christmas. As I sit to write this blog I wonder how the next 40 years could ever be special as I watch my husband die on my birthday. As we sit by his side, counting the seconds between breaths, watching his labored breathing and checking to see if he is warm enough. We have discussed things that I never thought I would have to discuss especially on my birthday. A representative is here from the Riverside fire (he happens to be a friend) in case he passes, they will be with him from now on. Everything is happening and I wish I could just hit pause.....

I think he will make it though the night but I will post as soon as I can. I know some of you are thinking ,she does not have to do this but for me it is a way to express myself and to give critical updates.

Love,

Hallie

A day I was not wanting....

2009-12-26T16:08:00.000-08:00

It is with great sadness that I post this update.....Last night Eric took a turn for the worst. He did not do very well on Christmas day...refusing to eat or take any pills. About 12am (the 26th) I had to call the hospice nurse and ask for some morphine and anti-anxiety medicine. His pain was so bad and his restlessness that he was moaning and rolling around in agony. He just does not setting into a peaceful place. I have been consistent with the medicine every 2 hours and so far it seems that he starts to get very restless just about the 2 hour mark. I knew this day would come but like everyone else I was hoping that it would never make it.

Thank you for all your prayers and thoughts.....Eric is surrounded by love and we ask for continued prayers for Eric to have peace and rest.

It's been a few days....

2009-12-23T17:04:00.000-08:00

Well I know the last post was a few days ago and some gentle reminding about this makes me come to the blog today to update and fill people in on the going's on in the Botkin house hold.

Eric-Well he continues to eat so this is a good sign. He sleeps most of the day, and likes me to be with him when I am home and really does not want me to leave the house. It makes him irritable . He is having more difficulty communicating which can be a challenge for me but almost impossible for anyone else. It seems as if he gets more restless in the evening hours so this makes it hard for me because I know this is not a good sign. He does not want to bathe, take his pills or do any kind of moving so it is a challenge to get him to do any of this. A little tough love from me or his sister gets him on the move. He often tells me no! no! no! but I really never listen anyhow so now is no different. I am feeling that he continues to decline but for today I believe that he is still fighting to be here and get though the holiday's.

Hunter- Well Hunter is on break from school for 2 week and is ready for Santa to visit. (hoping for one more year at least with that one). He is excited for Christmas even though we all this drama at home. I will have to say that it seems Hunter is handling all of this pretty well. He is a great kid and we are so lucky to have him.

Me-I have finished all the Christmas shopping and wrapping. Hunter was easy to shop for but as you can imagine Eric was a bit difficult. I took Hunter to the movies today and we saw Blindside. It was a great movie and nice to get out for a few hours. Eric was mad but it is also important that Hunter have some mommy time also. I have been wanting to see the movie and I am glad I did. So now it is time to get ready for Christmas.......

On a final note......I'm sure it is unimaginable having to go though the Christmas holiday with Eric being so sick. On one hand it is just awful but as I was thinking about the situation I realized that God has worked a miracle for us and for me. If Eric was in the situation any other time of the year I would be sitting here in our bedroom unable to leave just waiting for him to die. I know that sounds awful......but since Christmas is here and we have a ten year old it is a little difficult not to celebrate the holiday. Even though it just won't be the same I am excited because Hunter is excited. Today he received a letter from Santa and his eyes sparkled. This sparkle is what is helping me get though the holiday season. So please remember us on this very important day but celebrate the gift of Jesus and live though the sparkle of a child's eyes.

One more final note.....the picture that you see at the top of the blog is a charcoal drawing done by a friend of mine. I have attached her website.....her work is fantastic and her husband is the photographer who did our pictures. Such a blessing to have a piece of art like this a memory that will be forever treasured.

www.charcoalsbydawnmarie.com

Dawn Reza and Jim....

God bless & Merry Christmas,

Hallie

I hate this....

2009-12-19T15:23:00.000-08:00

I just hate this....I hate.....

.....telling people that Eric is not doing well

.....that Eric may not be aware of Christmas or my 40th Birthday

.....that I have to plan a funeral

.....that Eric will not be here for all the important events in Hunter's life

.....that his family lives in Arizona

.... that I did not feel like putting up ALL my Christmas decorations

..... that things are different

.....that Eric is not in our bed

.....that Eric is not getting out of bed

.....that people don't know what to say

.....that I have gained a lot of weight and just keep eating

.....that people make excuses for my weight gain because of the situation

.....that I have a 10 year old that may or may not understand the situation even though we have talked to him the whole time

.....that Hunter and I will never get to vacation with Eric again

.....that I have to think about a funeral

.....that the word funeral has the word FUN in it ...Really

.....that I have to be strong even when I don't want to be

....and that people tell me it's ok to cry......as if I don't know this

.....that we will never get to play rock band or guitar hero until midnight anymore

.....that Eric is not doing well and getting worse each day

.....that we can't go to the movies as a family together

.....that Disneyland will just not be the same with out Eric

.....that I have to live without Eric

.....that weird things make me cry especially in stores

.....that Eric will never get to see Burn Notice,Iron Chief America, or baseball games again

.....that we can't laugh for no reason

.....that Eric won't be here for me to complain to about anything

.....and that he can't give me advice

.....that I have to take care of the finances

.....that people feel sorry for me

.....that Eric will not be there to guide Hunter though all his man moments

.....that Eric would be able to watch hunter play baseball

.....that people tell me that Eric will always be here in spirit....it's just not the same

.....finally that Eric is dying and I can't fix it........

Another Day....

2009-12-16T21:43:00.000-08:00

I just wanted put put up a quick update about Eric and the going's on in the Botkin house. First off you can imagine the calls and visitors, it is nice to have so much support during this difficult time. Eric continues to fight each day with faith and a sense of humor, so sarcastic even when he fills yucky. He continues to make me laugh which of course helps me get though the day. No big changes in his condition except I found out today after 17 years of being married that he likes his feet massaged.....who know! Well maybe that's too much info.....Anyhow Hunter is finishing his last few days at school and getting ready to be off for 2 weeks. I hope Santa is good to him, he has way to much energy to not be busy when not in school. He can run circles around the best of us..... I have almost finished our Christmas cards.....what a job. I send 100+ cards out each year and it gets bigger each year. I should be finished soon and can check another thing off the to do list.

Finally I wanted to say great job to my students @ CHS for their beautiful chorus performance. I was able to sneak out for a few hours and I enjoyed watching them in all their glory. The standing "O" was fantastic and they all made me proud!

On the lighter side...

2009-12-14T12:20:00.000-08:00

Another reason the crank bed is no good....When Eric drops his toast and it falls onto the far side of the bed....I can raise the bed (automatically) so that our big dog Cece can clean up the fallen food. If I had to hand crank the bed Cece would still be staring at the toast.

Family and Friends

2009-12-13T21:53:00.000-08:00

Well it has been fun weekend with family and friends. First we celebrated Christmas with Eric's mom and family on Saturday (a usual tradition for us) and had lots of laughs while enjoying each others company. I am so blessed to have an in-law family that I enjoy spending time with. It certainly would make a difficult situation more stressful if we had troubled relations. Anyhow, it was great to share stories and memories of the past and we all had a few laughs. Eric was in good form for the festivities so it made the celebration all the better. Although I guess it really wore him out because he slept most of today which is a downer. He was so tired that he did not eat as well as I would have liked although he did eat the BIG bowl of ice cream which is his favorite part of the day.

As you can see from the picture Eric had a few visitors today. His friends from Fountain Valley High School. Neil from Washington, Mark and Scott from the O.C. (Dan also from Washington could not make it ). Eric was resting his eyes for most of the visit but as they reminisced of the good old days Eric would often sit up and laugh. It is so funny to see these men get together and enjoy each other as if they just got out of high school. Of course since I have been in Eric's life since the good old days I am familiar with the stories and the comedy that this group brings when they are together. It is not often that you have a group of male friends that stay together and continue to be friends some 20 years later. They truly are an awesome group of friends. Unfortunately it was probably the last time they will get together with Eric. For me the hardest part of the visit was the good bye because I felt as if I was saying goodbye to my friends also. Of course I know that these friends will continue to be in mine and Hunter's life later it just brought up emotions that I have not thought about as of yet. Eric's friends are really saying good forever not just until next time. Hope I did not make everyone cry.....but it was something that just needed to be said out loud.

Up's and Down's

2009-12-11T22:50:00.000-08:00

So it has been two days since I last posted something and each time I put something up I really want it to be that a miracle has occurred and Eric is on the way to recovery. Unfortunately that is not the case, Eric continues to decline, he is weaker by the day, eating less, communicating less and tonight he has moved into the hospital bed. I am not sure why he moved into the bed but it does not seem like a good thing. I have prepared myself for this moment but I was hoping that it would not be so soon. It is interesting to watch him go though this process, I have noticed a few things so just bare with me as I have not verbalized this before. 1st as I watch Eric's health decline it is almost as if he is reverting back to being a baby. Is this what it is like for anyone who goes though a health issue like this? He stopped walking, eating is a challenge, rest rooming issues, bathing ect. It is almost like a reversal of birth and living. Secondly I wonder if we innately prepare to die. Do we start to do things to prepare others or ourselves for the day. If anyone has ever had an animal get sick and die there is a process and it is as if they and you know what is happening. As I watch Eric it seems as if he is beginning to do things (like leaving our bed) to prepare me for what is to come. If nothing else it is yet another thing to think about and again something I never thought I would ever have to ponder.

The new bed...

2009-12-09T22:06:00.000-08:00

So we did get the new bed and it is much better than the first. (I will load pictures later) We decided thanks to all your help and information and of course Eric's wishes to put the bed upstairs. He is not currently using the bed and still feels comfortable in our bed so that is where he will stay until the time comes to have him in the hospital bed. I bought a small tree for the room and have converted it into a bedroom/family room/study room and have decorated it with a few Christmas items. It looks pretty good and it is clean!

Eric is doing about the same...sleeps alot but is still eating and drinking. He is able to socialize with visitors and just shuts his eyes if he gets tired. He told me today that he is just trying to make it until January 1, 2010. He knows his time is near and tells me that by holding up his finger and looking to the sky. I am not sure what he is looking at but he just says "not today but its getting close, maybe tomorrow". He also told my friend that he will see them on the other side but that he could not take them and they would just have to fight it our here. Although I can say this now (who knows about later)...There is some comfort in the fact that he is ready to go and knows that we will be ok here on earth. I am sure his faith in God and mine is what allows us to have the strength to get though. (remember I said it is easier to say this now and who know about later.)

Ok the bed is here!

2009-12-07T20:53:00.000-08:00

So the hospital bed finally arrived....I am not sure what hospital and what time period they stole the bed from but it is certainly not the hospital bed that he had at the City of Hope. Well we will have to see if this is the normal protocol. I don't know maybe people have never complained about the beds before but REALLY!!!! I guess they have never meet me before. I will keep you posted on the 1950 bed. So that being said once I find out about the bed situation I will have to move him down stairs. Once he is downstairs I know that he will never go upstairs again.....never sleep in our bed, never take a shower, never put his clothes on the floor and never complain that the 90 lbs puppy is on his feet. How do I move him downstairs? Is it really the right thing to do? Should I leave him upstairs but have him in the hospital bed? So many questions I hope that I can find the answer soon. That being said if anyone has any suggestions feel free to let me know.

Love,

Hallie

PS I have added picts of the bed...

What to say?

2009-12-06T15:32:00.000-08:00

Well I am sure that everyone wants updates but honestly I just don't know what to say.....Each day is a little harder for Eric and a little harder for me. To see the man you love become weaker each day is truly the worst thing that I have ever had to see. Eric spends about 80% of his day in bed sleeping, he needs help with all daily living skills except eating and he talks very little. Although he does still continue to make us laugh when he does say something. I think for the moment I am just getting by each day, going though the motions. I wish that I was as strong as Eric and had the same positive attitude but it seems almost impossible right now. As for Hunter he seems to be doing pretty good all things considered. He is a little more active than normal which for those of you who know him are probably wondering how that is possible but just to let you know it is. His teacher thinks that is the way for him to release his emotions and I tend to agree. Unfortunately Eric can't deal well with the commotion and energy and the rest of the family is sad so it makes it a bit more difficult for Hunter.

The pictures that I have posted are the finished pictures from the pillows that we made. They turned out just beautiful and we are so lucky to have them.

Not so Good......

2009-12-03T17:36:00.000-08:00

As I sit down to write the blog tonight I am not sure what to say, how do I tell people that the person who fills my life with joy is truly fighting for his life. This is the most difficult thing I have had to do so far and I am sure that in the future more difficult things are to come. We saw the Dr. today and she said the tumor seems to be winning and that the last chemo did not do it's job. At this point there is nothing else she is able to offer him and she felt it was time to call hospice. Eric's health has steadily been declining over the past few weeks. He needs help with everything, he is weaker everyday, he can't see out of his left eye and he is tired and tired of working so hard at living. How difficult it must be for him to have to come to this place. We are going to increase his steroid in hope that it will give him some of his abilities back by taking down the pressure and we are going to continue living our life in the moment.

Thank you for your continued support, prayers and words of encouragement it means the most to us and we could not get thought this without all of you and of course our faith in God and knowing that we are truly in His hand.

Love and God Bless,

Hallie

Friendship and Thanksgiving

2009-11-28T14:49:00.000-08:00

"May there always be work for your hands to do, may your purse always hold a coin or two. May the sun always shine on your windowpane, may a rainbow be certain to follow each rain. May the hand of a friend always be near you, may God fill your heart with gladness to cheer you."

- Irish Blessing

Eric and I are so blessed to have such a great family but today I want to talk about our friends. We a truly blessed and thankful to have the support of our friends that are in our lives. As you go though life you cross paths with many different people some will stay and others will go. My dad always said if you can count your friends on one hand than you were lucky.....I guess Eric and I are super lucky than. Over the last 2 years not only have we continued to have friends that we have known for a long time we have developed new friendships. These friendships have help sustain us though these very difficult times. The kind words, words of encouragement and faith and sometimes just the hugs have made us smile on the most difficult days. Today I just wanted to say thank you for all that you do for us. We are so lucky to have more friends than we could ever count on our hands!

Now on to Thanksgiving.....we had a wonderful time with famliy 22 in all (and 6 dogs) at our house. Eric was a good sport and did very well with all the commotion. He rested when needed and this helped him get thought the day. The food was wonderful and the company was better. Everybody brought something and helped the day go smoothly. I hope everyone else had a great Thanksgiving as well!

Finally, Eric continues to be about the same, no big changes on the health front. As the weeks have past he is more tired, and a little more weak. The tumor by his left eye continues to put more pressure on his eye making it difficult to see. He seems to have pain if he has a lot of sensory input (ie. Thanksgiving) but it passes. He is moving a little slower and needs more help around the house. If we get up and do things in the morning than he feels pretty good but once at home he gets very tired. Eric has commented on how hard this is and how hard the fight is right now. He is fighting to be here for Christmas and and my birthday so continue with the words of encouragement and the prayers. I know it is what gets me through and he needs it more now than ever.

Love and God Bless,

Hallie

P.S. This is one of the pictures that we took last week.

Some much to tell....

2009-11-21T18:33:00.000-08:00

OK OK......I know it has been a week without anything and it can be hard without an idea of what has been going on so here it goes......

1st- Update on Eric's condition-It seems as if the chemo may have slowed things down for a brief time. Eric had been about the same as far as movement, language, pain ect. Although over the last few days there have a few changes that have me a bit concerned, nothing drastic but changed nonetheless. He is having more pain in his right eye and having to take more pain medication, he is also having more difficulty seeing out of that eye. His words are more jumbled and when trying to tell me something it is very difficult for him to communicate. As he stated it sometimes I have words and sometimes I don't...It just sucks! He has been more sleepy and slow all around. I suppose things that I have expected but hoping for a longer delay. Although he still has a sense of humor because when I say something like I don't think things are going that well he says "What?" and gives me the thumbs up with his bad hand. Always the comedian!

2nd-On to the fun stuff...Disneyland! We went to the happiest place on earth and stayed at the Grand Californian (Eric has always wanted to stay there). I had the room decorated and surprised the boys it was wonderful. Eric wanted to see the Christmas lights and to spend time with family and we did just that. It was great for all, Eric's sister April and niece Morgan were there to help out and go on the big rides with Hunter and Eric and I enjoyed the people watching. I think the best time other than the room surprise was watching Fantasmic. Thanks to a Disney cast member we had a view of a life time, she put us in the dream makers sections and it was a dream. Of course I also enjoyed the "snowing" but Eric not so much.

3rd- On Thursday we all went to the City of Hope to work on a memory pillow with the family. Hunter missed another day of school as well as Morgan our niece. They have this really nice program for kids to make something with their sick family member and Morgan, Hunter and Eric made hand print pillow cases. It was a wonderful experience and everyone is so happy to have had the opportunity to make these sentimental pillows. As soon as they are finished I will post a picture of the pillow, they are beautiful. When you look at our family pillow you will notice that Eric, Hunter and my hand print makes a heart. I ask the gal if she had seen that before and she said "no" I guess it just goes to show how much love the 3 of us have and how connected we are.

I leave you with a request for continued prayers of strength and a miracle for miraculous healing. Each day that passes is truly a gift but a miracle would be the best gift of all.

"But those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength." Isaiah 40:31

All You Can Do....

2009-11-14T19:54:00.000-08:00

All you can do is all you can do and all you can do is enough.

Art Williams

Today I start the blog with a quote from Art Williams, it seems to be the quote if the week. Eric continues to have struggles with the movement of his right side and his language, although he is able to get out this quote and continues to live by it. Each day is a challenge for Eric but each day he comes to the challenge ready to do all he can and all he can do is just enough.

So a little update...Eric as mentioned continues to have right side weakness and difficulty speaking. He is able to communicate verbally it just takes him time to get out his thoughts and he needs to go slow. He is not having too much pain it seems only once in a while he needs to take another pain pill. Eric's appetite is hardy due to the steroids he is on for the swelling and he is a little more tired than usual. He continues to have a great sense of humor and continues to make us laugh.

As some of you know Eric's little sister has been with us the last week. It has been nice to have her here to help me and to help Eric. I think it was also important for her to be here for her big brother. Unfortunately back to Arizona she goes but it has been great while she was here. Eric's mom, dad, step mom, uncle, aunt, sister and niece were also here to spend a nice Saturday and Eric enjoyed all the laughter.

Now for us a little family get-a-way to the happiest place on earth........I will fill everyone in when we return.

God Bless and have a wonderful Saturday

Hope, Faith and Thanks.....

2009-11-11T18:53:00.000-08:00

As I chat with others about the situation and we talk of Eric and his continued hope, faith and thanks for all the God has given him it was bought to my attention that throughout his blog he has always talked of hope, faith and thanks. Even during this most difficult time he continues to hope for a miracle, has a faith that whatever is to happen is His will and is thankful for everything and everyone. It makes me proud to be his wife and know that he is the man that he is! Anyhow I just wanted everyone to know that even though he has difficulty talking nothing has changed in his spirit, beliefs and hopes.

Once you choose hope, anything's possible.
Christopher Reeve

News from the home front....

2009-11-08T21:04:00.000-08:00

Well it is Sunday and we have had a nice weekend.....Eric and I even had some alone time thanks to my parents. Eric is doing well, is able to communicate with me and a little to others.. His right side is not working well but he is a trooper and doing the best he can. He continues to have a feisty spirit and strong will! So it seems as if things are status quo for now....just the way we like it!

Hebrews 11:1
Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see.

THIS SUCKS!

2009-11-06T21:06:00.001-08:00

From the mouth of Eric.......THIS JUST SUCKS!!!!!!! I really don't think much else needs to be said!

News...Update...& Continued Prayers!

2009-11-03T20:51:00.000-08:00

Well I know that it has been a few weeks since Eric has lasted posted anything and it has been a very difficult few weeks here at the Botkin house. As you have figured out Eric is not writing this but his soul mate and life long partner Hallie. It has been difficult for me to come into the computer room and sit down and get the info that needs to be given. Eric finally told me tonight that he really needed something put on since it has been such a long time. I want to give everyone all the info so I will try and be as descriptive as possible to help answer questions that everyone will certainly have after this posting. So here goes.....

Oct 20th-Eric finds out that the tumor is back...not a good sign
Oct 21st-I talk to the Dr. and decide it is time for me to stay home(not working) an be with Eric, spending time and maybe a trip or 2 with the family.
Oct 22nd-Eric spoke with Neuro-surgeon and he said that surgery was not an option
Oct 24th-Eric had a seizure, droopy face can's talk.....last about 1 hour
Oct 25th Eric had 3 more seizures...same as Saturdays
Oct 26th- Eric woke up and can't talk at all...everything comes out wrong does not get better.
Oct 27th- increase medicine so swelling decreases..improved speech
Oct 27-30th- no changes in health..except talking more...meet with Dr. on Oct 29th....had new chemo.
Oct 31st-Eric woke up and the right side of his face was droopy.....can talk very well, or chew his food.
Nov 1st-Less speech, sleeping all day..not himself at all!
Nov 2nd- about the same...had to give a little tough love...
Nov 3rd (Today)- Woke up took a shower! talking to me more....to his mom a bit more...has trouble talking but is part of the conversation and interested in what is happening.

So as you can see things have changed almost daily. The Dr. tells Eric that she is not giving up but that we are at the end of our choices and there is not much else we can do if this chemo does not work. She has asked him some hard hitting questions and it has been a very emotional week for everyone. I ended up with strep throat and was out for a few days and Hunter by far seems to be doing the best in all of this. I am not sure were this leaves us other than in His hands. Eric's spirit seems to better today and so is his speech, it could have been the chemo that made everything crazy or it could be something else. All I know is that we will continue to hope and pray for a miracle and know that whatever happens it is in God's hands. So I leave you with this......

"So do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will bring it's own worries, today's trouble is enough for today."

Matthew 6:34

PS....I want to thank both our mothers for all there help over the last few days....I don't know I would have made it all happen without there support, love and help with the man (AKA Hunter).

Now Way!!!!

2009-10-20T21:31:00.000-07:00

Hey Everyone! Life is so funny. I know that some of you may now know it yet, but indeed, life is funny. I had just typed about the best day that I had for quite some time by just sharing with all my brothers an sisters, and now this. Over the last couple of days I had determined that the pain in my eye had moved from a little, to alot, to it never stops. Hoping that it would just go away, I waited a few days to find that my eye always hurt now with pain moving between a 3 to 7, never going away. I called my amazing Dr. and she said come in today and lets see what is going on in that head of yours. Well I have just arrived home with the news that the tumor thing in my head is bigger. Bigger to be a big challenge. I will have to wait to talk to the surgeon doctor to see if it is removable, but some are acting as if this may not be the case. Pretty overwhelming how I got to have a great moment last week offering my thanks to all my brothers and sisters and then thrown to start over in the amazing Eric Botkin issues. Pretty crazy. Well I am sure that I will have more leading us the the new solution, but I just wanted to share. Please don't get me wrong, I am extremely happy to still be here. While I am ready to keep working, I thought this little story was funny as nothing ever seems to go the way you have planned. Please continue to keep me in your prayers as it seems this battle is going to get a bit harder.
God Bless

What an Awsome Day!!

2009-10-14T18:55:00.001-07:00

Hey Everyone! First, I just wanted to apologize to everyone as I was mostly feeling really poor with my 2nd 6-week chemo plan. While I am not really sure how it is all working, I am still very happy for God to allow me to continue to be here. Hopefully it will go great again like last time, but we won't know until early November to be sure.

Today I wanted to tell everyone that occasionally you live your life greatly as you are blessed with another opportunity. One of those moments comes when you have the control and get to surprise everyone else. Whether it is a big deal or not, it is the moment of being the person that has been allowed to deliver a little something that will let everyone know you care. Today, it was me, the crazy brain cancer dude that got to deliver a little something and really enjoy the moment. I had taken on a great, and very long adventure with my old fire department, City of Riverside. I spent the day with Hallie and surprised my previous crews. We traveled to all the fire stations and dropped off a little something to say thanks for being a great group. I was very excited to be able to do this because the reality of it all is that some day in my life I would need to ask my brothers and sisters for more help. But today it was great to let them all know that I really have appreciated all their help. Thanks again, to all my amazing brothers and sisters of the City of Riverside. I do miss being their alot, but want you to all know that I really appreciate your help.

Lastly I needed to take another moment and say thanks to an amazing woman. My friend at the See's Candy here in Temecula she is AWESOME!! When I was there to look for a great item, she came over and really allowed me to pick out what I needed to be the best gift. There are many people in our work today that do alot of stuff, but very few move beyond the stuff and work with fantasticness (I know that fantasticness is wrong, but she was fantastic). So after a great long day of sharing with everyone, now I am ready for a long winter's nap, or something like that.

Take care everyone and God Bless.

Sickness Is In, Then Out, and Then In?

2009-09-29T21:47:00.000-07:00

www.helpericbotkin.com

Hey Everyone! Well what a crazy time here at the Botkin home. After just happening to come off the gentle family sickness, I got the fantastic crud that comes with my six week chemo pills. I had just gotten over a little cold that Hunter was sharing with the family. I started on the chemo pills stuff last Monday. I took the super pills, wasted two days trying to see how I was doing, and I was very good. Then it hit me and boy did I feel bad! 1st the sickness and then the chemo sickness. AHHHHHHHHHHHHH. Well now I an happy to tell everyone that I feel much better. I'm not officially feeling like a million bucks, but really starting to return to Eric. It is very funny or even bizarre how you take these pills and have challenges, then you take another set of pills and they help you and actually make you feel better. While I don't understand many of these things, all I can really tell you all is that I am very happy to still be here with you. I know that my issues are growing as I am starting to have more challenges with peoples names and many easy words are missing while I'm having a nice chat. Again I must share with you that I am glad that God has still allowed me to be here and share my time with everyone. Thank you.

Everyone is Sick?

2009-09-22T15:19:00.000-07:00

www.helpericbotkin.com

Hey Everyone. Hope your weekend was going much better for you than for us. We had a problem with Hunter, a problem with me and lastly a problem with Hallie. And it is all from the same bad sickness thing. The totally funny part is that Hunter got a terrible cough for 2 days, no flu, then it was given to me. I enjoyed two days of terrible nose pain, you know, that horrible crud running out of your nose whether you want to blow it or not. And finally Hallie with a throat pain that comes along with swallowing all that nose crap down the sore throat. FUN!! Well we are all almost back into the swing of things which is great as I will start another 6 week chemo tonight. Getting ready for the second version of "I'm not really sure how to prepare for this" medication set-up. But we all must continue do that which will keep us going forward. And again, I am VERY excited to still be able to be here with my family, friends and everyone else. I wanted to end this with something great, but you know what, after all that overwhelming crap and all the time felt working with the family, I got nothing. I mean I really wanted to think of something great, but honestly I an just happy to think after all that nose crud. So all I can really say is God Bless.

More Good Times....

2009-09-13T12:18:00.000-07:00

www.helpericbotkin.com
Hey Everyone. First before I get to any of my stuff, I hope that everyone was able to take a few minutes and think again over the 9/11 incident. It is continually amazing that the United States was able to be given such an unbelievable event. To have lost so many people who were never actually involved with the daily protection of our country is still unbelievable for me. I specifically remember riding back from a nothing call that morning and was told to check the TV when we arrived back at Station 12. Incredible. Anyway I got returned for a NEW MRI with a good condition. The old MRI uses 1.5 something or other to do the testing, and now I have been moved up to the new MRI that uses 3.0 something or other. Incredible to lie in the new one after being in the old one for the last 24 times was pretty incredible. I had several "wow" moments as it was a super test. Anyway again my tumor looked to be exactly the same with no significant changes so I will be on track for another 6 week pill just as soon as my blood returns to normal. My platelets were able to return to normal, but the white blood cells are still very low. Hopefully they will be better soon so that I can get on with my chemo.

Crazy week...Again?

2009-09-07T20:20:00.000-07:00

www.helpericbotkin.com
Hey Everyone. Sheesh, what an amazing week for the Botkin family. A man goes to the hospital, a boy goes to the emergency room and a woman with shingles, but the most amazing part is that Hallie and I were totally healthy last week. Now even though we were feeling good, we were very busy trying to help all of the family members who were having "issues". Even though we were really placed into some funny and stressful areas, we are happy to say that Hallie's dad is recovered and doing well, Hallie's mom is working hard to drop some germs, and Hunter absolutely does NOT have chicken pox, even though we thought he did. So a wonderfully busy week was to be filled with an equally wonderful, slow, and relaxing Labor Day, or that was what I thought. Well as you with kids all know every two - three years you decide that the toy room for your child needs some changes. The problem begins when your child starts taking on so many NEW toys that you begin to stop finding all that previous room. Well that was today's plan. OH MY GOD. Hunter's room hadn't been cleaned for about 2 years and there is a closet in that room, which over the last 6 years has become the convenient "crap" room. It is always funny how the easy clean up plans are "changed" two or three times before finding the correct solution. I am sure that none of my friends know what it is like to want a project to be started and finish in the same day, but I am happy to say that it looks nice. Aaa, another beautiful day in the cleaning moments. Now I am very confused as I have watched many shows on DIY and they are very quick, work with incredible help, and finish is with a burst of joy. I wish I could say this was the same for me I guess you can't believe everything on T.V. Well again I am very happy that we are done and it looks great. It is always interesting to sit back and look at the way it was all done to find those moments that were awesome and those that should have been done differently. The wife and I worked great together and we were hoping that the boy would pitch in. As it turns out he is just another 10 year old boy....I got all pissy with him for not being helpful and the reality is that he is ten! I know that if I keep on him and try to make him responsible and have pride in what he does and owns, someday he will be the same little boy who knows that his father loves him even if he has high expectations of who he should be and what he should do.

The 100th Post

2009-08-29T08:15:00.000-07:00

http://www.helpericbotkin.com/

Hey Everyone! Well first, the amazing 100th post is pretty incredible. I had never thought that I would be the person to sit and type 100 different things about life. Blogs were always meant to be generated by awesome individuals who could write many stories for their folks, and here I have been placed on the same pile as them. Simply unbelievable. To those of you who are here for their first time I would say to go back in years and months and see some of the previous posts, and to those of you who have come many times all I can say is thank you. Thank you for keeping the blog important for me. You have been really great to allow me to continuously type thoughts, ideas and amazing things. OK, shifting, I went to get my blood checked yesterday and found that the white blood cells were still OK, and my platelets were getting very low. They said I was at 39 (thousand) and if I get to 20 we will be giving me some extra platelet medicine. I also got to talk to the doctor about my lost Tuesday and how it might have happened. I was interested that she said I don't know. Well I believe in her alot so we keep marching on. I also wanted to tell everyone that today the 29th of August is Hallie and my anniversary. We have been together for so a very long time. It is 17 years of being married or when you count dating it would be 24 years. Pretty incredible to have spent more than half of my life with the most amazing and incredible woman in the world. All I can say is thank you to you Hallie. I love you.

Today is What.... Wednesday!!!

2009-08-26T22:09:00.000-07:00

Hey Everyone, Well obviously if you read the blog yesterday you know that I am having an issues. What is weird about my issues is that sometimes I have no memory, be it an event or a day I just can't remember. Interesting HUH! To have the ability to complete something than have no memory of it is both scary and sad. It is an amazing way to have an unknown day where you can do all the events but have no idea of things you will remember. If I looked at this I really hope that my little tumor growing is where this comes from because it can be remove and I can return to normal. I mean think about it to have a great morning with family and or friends and by the afternoon to have no memory of it occurring. Interesting! If you asked me how this could get worse right now I would have to tell you that I don't know. The only thing I know is the God has a reason for everything. So I don't know what the answer is, all I can do is trust in God and know that it is all meant to be. So remember that my name is Eric Botkin!

New Eric info!

2009-08-25T16:34:00.000-07:00

Well I guess that when I update everyone knows that something is up and usually it is not the most exciting so here goes the latest on Eric. As of a little yesterday and all today Eric has been having short term memory problems. Can't remember what he ate, where he has been, where Hunter is, or anything that we talk about. I guess it is like he has little seizures or kind of blacks out even though he can function. He feels fine he just does not remember what he has done. I called the Dr. she is on vacation and returns tomorrow....the assistant and triage nurse asked alot of questions and they don't believe that it is anything that would be emergency related (stoke, big seizure, ect) so since the Dr. returns tomorrow they said we should wait to here from the Dr. in the morning unless something changes and then we will need to go to the ER! So I plan to keep his blog updated and this should help answer further questions.
Thanks for your continued prayers!
Hallie

My White Cells are What?

2009-08-20T20:46:00.000-07:00

www.helpericbotkin.com

Hey Everyone! Well today was the first time to go and check how the new chemo was working on me. I must tell you that having another new chemo medicine is not an exciting time. I mean here you are taking another medicine to stop the cancer in your brain from continuing to grow and it can be a difficult challenge. So many new opportunities to have no idea how your body is going to handle this new stuff. And now here I am again. Waiting to see if this thing is doing the right work and still not knowing if is doing something right. Well I am happy to share with all of you that my current chemo is going correctly. Now it is hard to believe that statement since I am pretty much feeling great with this new medicine. It is also easy to remember that I was with chemos that were very difficult for me to just complete. So here is what I was told. 1. My white blood was less than is should be, but it was not yet at a dangerous number. 2. My platelets had been reduced also but was not at a dangerous level either. Now I was told that over the next week before the next test my numbers could continue to drop and that I needed to work to keep them from dropping too low (resting, drinking plenty of water, ect). Yea!! Now I am pretty happy as I really had no idea of what to expect in this new chemo medicine. I am feeling pretty good as I start on week 4 since I took the chemo pill.

Hallie started back to work with all of her standard fun and almost after a week she seems pretty calm and stress free. I will get back to you with more as the year progresses. Hunter is getting ready to start playing soccer again and enjoying his way into the 5th grade. Me, I'm just looking for another quiet day. I know they are on there way soon.

Lastly, I wanted to thank a very special person who I share a unique bond with and who has been there for me before. When someone takes your hand and helps give you strength, love and encouragement, I just wanted to say Thank You!

Back to What?

2009-08-12T08:25:00.000-07:00

Hey Everyone! OK several things to get us started this morning. First I just wanted to thank all those who have been to www.helpericbotkin.com as it has been neat to see different people looking at the web site. Whether you are interested or not it has been great to see different people checking out our pictures. Lastly if you could continue to be able to let your friends and family know will give others a chance to see our pictures too.
Next, I am sorry it took a little wile to get back but the six week pill was something else. However I started to feel really normal yesterday and so far, I am feeling pretty normal which is simply fantastic. It is hard to believe that I am on one pill which will last for six weeks, but hopefully chemo pill number #G or #H will do me good before the MRI on 9/10. On a little side know it is so hard for me to hear after 25 MRI's in only 22 months. That machine is so loud even with beautiful yellow things to protect your hearing. I'm sure that I am on a short plan for some ear helping stuff otherwise I won't be able to hear anything.
Lastly we are getting closer to the good or evil schools getting ready to start up for another year. I think both Hallie and Hunter are somehow thinking it is evil, but we all know that time keeps marching on and some things can never be changed. Whether it be me or you, time will always move along and some have to learn that many things are the things that cannot be changed by anyone. All we can do is pull your belt tight and just keep on moving along. So all we can really worry about is today and sometimes a little about tomorrow. Anything after those two days is simply unknown times to be controlled only when they actually arrive.

Whole Bunch of Stuff

2009-08-01T08:40:00.000-07:00

Hey Everyone! What a great time last week. As of Thursday, Hunter is now a solid 10 years old. Pretty amazing to sit back and make our first change into double digits. Hunter had a great little week. First, I just want to thank all the incredible people who made it possible and helped us make this an awesome birthday a reality for our little guy. I would really like to have done it all on my own, but we all know that is not going to happen, so thank you again. We (and our niece Morgan) got to see the Padres baseball park, watch an Angel game, spend the night at Hilton, go to California Adventure (right next to Disneyland), and finish the surprises with a great night at the ESPN Zone a place for food and amazing games. Sheesh, that was so much stuff. I know that it was very cool to see his face get surprised as he didn't know any of these awesome events were to be one after another. Well one last day with 8 boys spending the night (yikes) and I will be able to return to being normal human being. Hopefully it all goes great.

Ok, now for the other side. As you all know I have been retired since November 2008, which kind of stinks as I saw some guys last week and I hated not still being able to work and have fun with them. Anyway, I have been able to receive 70% of my retirement funds which is better than nothing but not enough to pay all my bills. I tried to solve this issue with some things, used all our savings, tried to work but that is impossible, and it wouldn't be right to stand on the street looking for money. So what now. This issue has caused me a great amount to stress and concern. So much so that I was having issues with my words, not sleeping and other health related concerns. I know that men are broken into two different styles, those that want to take care of everything and those that want the care of nothing. Well I am unfortunately part of the group that wants to care for everything, even though Hallie would like me to take care of nothing. My want to help everyone and control our family issues finally hit the impossible. What to do financially when there seems to be no way to overcome the challenge. I had reached this point that caused Hallie to start to panic about me and what was wrong with me and my health. I was unable to think of a solution. I wanted to find the answer to our issues, but was trapped not being able to decide or find an answer. Hallie pulled me aside and reminded me that if I just let the stress go God will provide me an answer. Well it came through. An idea came to me one night. Back in 2005 I purchases a ton of books that I really loved and continue to feel very strong about, The ABC's of Making Money 4 Teens. A great book for the teens to have some awesome ideas about controlling money that is not usually given or shared with those teen kids. So I created a web site called http://www.helpericbotkin.com/ and I would really love it if you would check it out. It has my story and all the info about the books. I just want people to see the opportunity. Thanks for your help.

MRI Update......

2009-07-24T20:14:00.000-07:00

Hey Everyone! Well today was my special meetings with my Doctors at the City of Hope. Based on some issues that I had been having, my MRI got moved from the seventh of August to today. First, it is simply awesome that you are able to get an MRI and then a few minutes later the whole set of pictures are available to see at any computer, anywhere at the City of Hope. Fantastic. Anyway I got mine done today and the little white spot in my head has gotten bigger over the last 6 weeks. So after almost and hour of talking with my awesome doctor we decided to change gears again. While I am not ready to get all excited about surgery, since number 6 is a little tough to make everything still be correct, we are going to try another different plan. I am off the chemo as it was not stopping my growth and will start taking a chemo pill that I will take one every six weeks. Pretty interesting to start now on a pill that is taken once every 6 weeks as the new thing that will hopefully stop the growth in my head. Interesting. I just wanted to let you all know about my fun Friday. Don't get me wrong, I am still extremely excited to still be here on earth with my family and friends, but sometimes it is a little harder to know how long this joy will be able to continue. While I know that I will be very excited to be in the amazingness of God, I know that it will be a tremendous unhappy time for those that are left here without me.

Today's Gift

2009-07-18T16:48:00.000-07:00

Hey Everyone! I just wanted to say what a great time we had at a baby shower with some good friends of ours. It was nice sharing time and fun with many others and as a whole family, not just a cool place for ladies. Anyway I wanted to give my beautiful wife Hallie some tremendous credit over the last couple of days. When I started on this unique life so many months ago it was very easy to only worry about tomorrow, not worrying about the future. Having a great feeling from everyday thanking God for allowing me to be here another day to share with my family, friends, and neighbors. Well as time goes through your life it is very easy to start to fall back to the old ways where you begin to worry about next week, next month, and next year. I had once again returned to be the man who was continuously trying to stop or solve the problems, forgetting that each day is again a great gift from God. I had lost the ability to thank God each day for another opportunity to spend another day with my family. Well it was great for me to have been reminded by Hallie since I had been focusing on the challenge, not the joy of another moment to be spend with the family. The reason that I have brought up the subject was not only to share with you how amazing my wife is by being able to remind me whats important in our lives, but I also had the ability to share it with with another. While being at the baby's shower, I met a woman who was starting to worry about a specific future challenge. I was very surprised that I was able to share with her the same thing that I had been reminded of just a few days ago. Awesome! God had given me the opportunity to take that thing which had just been reminded to me and allow me to share it with someone else. I hope you have not forgotten that yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery and today is a gift which is why it is called the present. Just in case you have here is your reminder, live today for today and enjoy each moment, nobody really knows the mystery of tomorrow.

Hmmmmm...

2009-07-14T09:52:00.000-07:00

Hey Everyone! Well for those of you who were not sure that I was going to be able to write more often, well forget it! Anyway I am trying a little bit harder than I was previously. I just wanted to share a thought with you all. Over the last 2 1/2 days I have been really trying to work out my challenge. I have spent lots of time sitting and thinking, walking and thinking, and even just simply thinking. All of that time spent trying to get the solution to my challenge. And then I thought of my earlier days (really earlier). Having a challenge and taking an immediate response to set to my solution. Some were successful and some were...oh my... some were horrific. I was thinking that then, it was for me too learn that I should take a moment and decide which of the activities was going to bring me the best response for the challenge. Well time has gone by for us all and I am afraid that sometimes we spend too much time looking for the answer to our challenge. Too much time spent will leave you petrified, never settling for any answer and just leaving yourself to feel overlooked by the challenge that was never fixed. I just want everyone to know that it is ok to check the different solutions to your challenge, but don't ever do nothing. Take time to evaluate all your choices, but then make sure that you take an action. Just know that some will be awesome and some will suck but either way you have the ability to tell everyone that you took a chance. And as life goes for us all, some were good and others were not so good. Gotta run and go finish since I have found the answer to my previous challenge.

Whew, Back Again, Finally

2009-07-11T10:06:00.000-07:00

Hey Everyone! Let me wish that the 4th of July was a fantastic and great family moment for you all. A day of fun, fireworks, and a small beverage or two. First, and foremost, I would like to thank my wonderful friends who took us in and allowed us to stay at their gorgeous home for several days in the great city of Kona, Hawaii. You both were awesome, fantastic, and simply great. Thank you again for such a wonderful adventure. Let me say that for being in a place that allowed up to zip along nature, snorkel in the ocean (very challenging as Hunter does not like it ever again), saw a volcano dropping lava into the ocean during the day and night, seeing a family member that I have missed for 30 years, driving to the southern point of the island and the U.S., and most important lighting fireworks legally was a great couple of days. Whew a lot of truly cool things.

Next I wanted to let you know that my chemo with one medicine happened on Friday and I am doing pretty good, compared to that previous two medicines moments which was horrific. I am feeling pretty good and able to do some things as compared to being able to do absolutely nothing. I am on track for my next chemo on the 24th and my next MRI on the 7th of August. Hopefully my head is doing well with only one medicine, but I have a little time before I can find out for sure.

My mid year resolution is to update my blog a bit more often. I want share more moments good bad and ugly. So keep your a look out and we will see.

Time Flies

2009-06-30T08:46:00.000-07:00

Hey Everyone!! Whew, what a long time since I sat here to share with you all. For anyone that is interested, I'm sorry. Sometimes life tosses so much at you that you miss many opportunities to share with my friends. So a quick set of info for you to read about starts with the most important, I got some of my chemo medicine changed as the previous one was so horrific for me to try and continue to endure. Yea! We will see how this goes by giving me a different chemo medicine, so far it is going very well with two tries I feel much better than I did with the first doses. Summer is always crazy as your whole family is at your side, every second. It takes a little time to again remember how to live with everyday as a Sunday. A trip to my wife mothers and father fun house in Angel Fire, New Mexico has already came and went. I will say that as we drove 16 hours to get there I could have bought some great fireworks but I had to tell Hunter NO!! We are here for a few days now to get ready for all the other summer stuff. Sometimes it is difficult to transition from school year to summer. Everybody home and doing there own thing.
To all of you that have shared my little blog with others I just wanted to say thanks. I really believe that some days can be great for everyone and other just ok. I really believe that I have to talk more and share many thoughts and ideas that I have with many people, hoping to help at least one person have a great thought every time they stop to read. So as we go forward I look forward to being able to give someone a great new opportunity.

Quick info

2009-06-05T16:33:00.000-07:00

Well , I got the last MRI done on Thursday and wanted to show you all what it looks like in my super head. You can easily see the black whole where the previous large cancer got removed. Also you can see my current cancer with the little white piece over the black hole. The say that the current cancer piece is NOT growing, probably form my previous chemo medicine, which is VERY GOOD. Anyway I just wanted to share what it looks like in my super head. Hope you all are having a great weekend.

Time For That Talk

2009-06-03T19:17:00.000-07:00

Well everyone I must tell you that life is pretty funny. I am sure that we all have those moments where you hear something or read something and decide that it is not for you and then it hits, Whack. Happened to anyone else? You see I had written this fantastic blog that talked about how you should spend your time. Should you be working hard or should you be spending time with your family? I had some great sentences and a few awesome jokes there for everyone to read. I had finished it up worked really hard to say invest time in your family so that you don’t miss your children. There it was another great writing by little old Eric. But then something different was shared with me. I ran into someone special. You see we were having an easy conversation about the whole thing and he shared with me his little problem. You see life had thrown him the wrong pitch, he was standing ready for the fast ball, but instead he had gotten the curve. This unknown or unexpected problem had changed the life he was using to focus on his family and was left with a very difficult focus on working to earn a living. I felt so ridicules. I had a great thing that told him not to waste his family time and he told me how he needed to work to help his family get to the next week or month. I always wonder how God can give you a great idea or thought to have for a while and just when you think you have it all God gives you a little more. Funny! So what is the right answer to this whole thing, well it is the same but a little different. While we must still focus life as I said before, I have learned where that focus should be. We should focus on closing your eyes and having a moment with God. What taking a moment to pray? The easy answer to that odd question is Yes. You see He is the bigger answer to all the problems and issues we were talking about. Having trouble with your kids, check with God. Getting in trouble with work and need to make it all come together, ask God for help. Looking for a way to find the answer to your problems, give it to God. I know there are some that will love this conversation and others that will say this is great and forget to stop and have that moment chatting with God, but all I can say is that with God’s help anything is possible.
As for me, well I am just great for now. Tomorrow is another thing. On Thursday I have 2 Dr. appt., blood draw, MRI (oh yeah #22 but whose counting) and Chemo, Yuk! As for me I will just be giving it to God!!!

My Big Guy

2009-05-24T19:03:00.001-07:00

Hey Everyone. Well today is Sunday, a full two and a half days after my amazing chemo adventure. Now I am not here to share all the excitement of those Friday adventures, but just to let you know I did have the a super event of throwing up many times as I sat in the room with my arm still receiving the medicine. Yuck! But the point I wanted to share with you all today is about that little boy who could. You see Hallie had to go to the Prom with her kids with special needs meaning she was leaving at three thrity and the boundless ball of energy was suppsoed to be at my side the whole night. Ykies!!! How is he supposed to stay focused long enough to make sure I was doing ok. I am amazed and very proud to tell you Hunter, nine year old genius, did a great job. I thought, I'll just have to watch out for myself. Well I was very amazed that he did all the things on the instructions that Hallie had wrote for him. He checked on me every hour, made sure I ate, feed the dogs and even made us popcorn! He did all of these things while I was in the bed upstairs and he was in the room down below. And then finally he came up to my bed to go to sleep with me until Hallie returned from the dance. Amazing! It is so amazing that this is the little boy who has a history of moaning and crying that he is not getting to do what he wants to do. But last night he was able to do all that he needed to do to take care of his dad and stay focused on me. He made the night easy and I did not have to worry. I am so proud of that little nine year old genious that for the night he was able to push all of the normal crap he gives us over not getting to do what he wants to be there to assist and help his dad with anything that I needed. It is very unbelievable to see the actions of this young boy matching the goals and actions of his big father. All I want to say is thanks to God for allowing my hardest day ever to be made very easy by the young man who works just like me. Thanks again Hunter.

I had a thought....

2009-05-17T21:01:00.000-07:00

Hey Everyone! I wanted to take time to thank some family friends for allowing us to spend the weekend in Oceanside. As you can see it was a bit colder than inland about 20 degrees but you can also see the boys did not seem to mind one bit. As I was watching the boys playing I started to think here are two boy, who played for several hours and enjoyed every minute (in the freezing cold) even though they are two very different personalities. Here are two boys one who

has an interest in reading and learning about stuff and the other who only has a mind for sports. They go to school together and enjoy each others company although they are totally different from one another. Even though they have different interest and ideas at school once at the beach they played together perfectly for hours. While I was watching them it became apparent that these two boys even though different in many ways are exactly the same. I started to wonder why as adults we are not able to look beyond our own personal interest and seek friendships or interactions with with others who are outside of our core group. We as adults have worked hard to become friends with a core group and then we stop seeking friendship with others because they are not just like us. What if we took the attitudes of a child and looked beyond our adult differences, just because we may not have the exact interests and thoughts does not mean that we may not benefit from each other in many ways. We as people miss out on what others can bring to us because we pass judgement on them for whatever reason. What if God's plan was for all of us to benefit from each other. I know that many of you are thinking what the heck am I talking about and I guess the bottom line is this....Don't miss out on something because you are to close minded to see beyond the differences. Be open to what each person may bring to you and realize that everyone has been put into ours lives for a reason.

So in closing I want to thank God for allowing me to think outside the box! To thank Hunter's friend for being a great kid and friend to him. To the family who put us into the fantastic beach condo for the weekend and to my family because I love them.

Awsome Thursday

2009-05-07T22:38:00.000-07:00

Hey Everyone. What an amazing day today was for me. First , I feel great. On today's Thursday I was able to have a great time being busy all day. I was so excited having a day which was there to make me feel like my old self. While some of my words were difficult to be found, it was nice for me to be able to be busy and still feel like a million bucks. I was so honored to be able to have dinner with John and Jane White from FFC (Firefighters for Christ) tonight. Having never met them before, it was almost shocking to see their email asking to meet with us for dinner. I was very happy as it was so wonderful to spend some time together with them. And the dinner was very yummy too! Well tomorrow, Friday, is the start of my next chemo battle. Since Hunter and I and been talking (which I will cover next week) I know that as horrible and yucky as this stuff is, I will be fine and a winner as that is what God is allowing for me to believe will happen. Catch you all in a few days, unless there is something more important and then I'll be back anyway.

Surprise!!!! Station 25

2009-05-03T20:33:00.000-07:00

Hey Everyone. I am happy to say that most of the horrible chemo things are almost gone and I am almost being back to myself. To be myself for the next four days before I step in to gain another chemo on Friday. Yuk!! You are probably all looking at the strange pic and asking yourself what is that group of people? Well I have something that is unique that I want to share with you all. Over the last month I had been struggling with the chemo sessions and the things that happen to my body as a result for example my thinning hair, intestinal issues, nausea, food issues ect. I had been having a tremendous amount of both pain and unease. I know that this sounds strange to hear me, Eric, having so much difficulty and becoming the individual who wants to get on the blog and cry and be pissed off. I wanted to use the blog and tell everyone how I was angry and frustrated about the whole thing. I was spending time thinking about how to share my total anger with all of you and then hoping that I could get back on track and back up to running correctly. But I was having trouble deciding if I was going to complain and be the one bitching and moaning. You see I think I am supposed to be the one who is all dialed in. I know that you all will say it's ok to complain ect. but I want to be the one who has something important to share not complain about the situation I am in. So back to the pic, you see on Saturday night I was the individual who the surprise party was for. It was people who I knew 10..15 years ago from my old paid call fire station in Orange County. Station 25! Here were people who came from many place to see me and celebrate a time in our lives. They wanted to know how I was doing and I just could not complain to them about what was going on. So here God had put me in a situation right when I needed it, to be able to share the positives with everyone and it was then I realized that all the bad stuff was just not important. We had a great time remembering the old times and sharing the new things in our lives. It was so great! So first off I want to thank God for putting me right were I needed to be, I want to thank Tom and Kim for making this event happen, opening up their house and for being such great friends. I want to thank everyone who was there and for all those who traveled near and far thank you! It was great seeing everyone and I hope everyone enjoyed themselves. I look forward to seeing everyone next year at our 2nd annual Station 25 reunion!

Tons of Items

2009-04-20T16:23:00.000-07:00

Hey to Everyone! Well I have tons of info and things to share so lets begin by starting with the best and running to the worst. Here we go:
I got the last stitches taken out of my head today! Yea! It is only 2 months extra after my surgery and I finally have all the stitches removed. So fantastic to get it all done, cleaned, and complete.
Next a special thanks to all the teachers, and staff who were in the Faculty Follies & Silent Auction. It is VERY hard for me to sit back and tell you all what a great event that this was for us to attend. It was awsome seeing the people with their entertainment as well as having so many people there to help and assist us. I just want to say thank you from my heart. It is very difficult for me to talk about my situation, but I just want to again say thanks.
Before the teachers it was coming from the City of Riverside Fire Department who was able to give a little, or even quite a bit. To my brothers, sisters, and family members I just wanted to say thanks. After working next to most of you for my ten years and then by the person who is on this side of the help is unbelievable. For all this time I wished that I was there to be a helper, but I don't think that is too much part of my future. Thanks again.
Another totally unbelievable and shocking thing is the help from the City of Riverside Police Department. Getting something from your department was awsome. There are many times when we don't get to work side by side, but when you have given such a wonderful gift to a co-worker is truly thankful. Thanks again for all your help and your amazing gift.
Now the not so fun, the chemo which is an infusion. Last time I was only given one of the two types that I will get on Friday the 24th, and oh my gosh. Well let me share a little with you on this, since it took the nurse almost an hour to give me all the things that I need to know. Here I am, almost two weeks after the first one, and I am already starting to loose hair, have internal issues, and feel and hear many different things in my head. Sweet! Anyway I don't want you all to think that I am complaining, but this is the first time and just like we talked many days ago, this is just another one of those areas where I must be the one to step over the curb and keep walking. I mean really if this is the only thing that is going to be the help or the thing that keeps me here longer then it is exactly what I must get done. Besides who wants to be the guy to have a seat at the wall and look sad that his time is gone all because he didn't believe that with God he could do anything.

Quick Note...

2009-04-15T15:00:00.000-07:00

Hey Everyone. Well I am almost back to normal after last Friday's chemo. That was something. I think that it is going to take several of these chemos to find the right way to treat my brain, making it better and gives me less issues. But on a good note, I met a guy last Saturday, which was amazing that I could talk to him because I felt "VERY BAD", anyway his name is Lew Stowers and he works on reporting news. Well he interviewed us for almost three hours and put a site for us that is on the internet. If you wanted to see lots of funny and amazing things about my life and family then you should go to www.helpnn.org/joomla/ and take a look. I know alot of this is about the Teachers thing that is happening tomorrow and will probably be used to create some more internet stuff since I heard it is unbelievable what they are auctioning. I did see a signed football, baseballs, and many things, over 50 baskets with some awsome gifts. Anyway I just wanted to let you all know. Have a great day and God Bless.

Chemo Round 1

2009-04-13T18:23:00.000-07:00

Happy late Easter to everyone we hope you had a great day with your friends and family.

1st off Eric had his chemo on Friday and feels terrible, he has been nauseous the whole time and eating has been a big challenge. He finally had a BLT today but other than that, salad is about all he can eat. He is improving with each passing day but he hates not feeling well and continues to want to be his old "normal" self. Well he has off for almost two weeks and his next chemo is on the 24th and this time he will get 2 kinds instead of one. Hopefully we will have figured out a trick to help him feel better. If anybody has any suggestions please let us know!!!

Secondly he wanted to thank all of you that voted for the America's All-Star. He did not win the contest but it was a great opportunity. Thanks again for taking time to vote for him!!

Love & God Bless,
Hallie

Many Thanks!!!

2009-04-05T17:10:00.000-07:00

Well everyone, happy Sunday (and Palm Sunday) to everyone. I have so many things that I wanted to say, so let me start with the old first. Thank you to everyone who was at my retirement dinner. It was a great thing to be there with so many of my family and fire friends. To have a great moment with four amazing men who were able to retire over the true balances. I really had a great time with you all. Next, a bigger thank you to all the individuals who were able to add funds to the gift for Hallie and myself. It is always so emotional for me and I can not say thank you enough. Finally amazingly and incredible was everyone who took the effort to come to my house and fix the grass in the back yard. It went from a crappy lawn to beautiful sod. We have been watering it, looking at it and it is just fantastic. It was been OK for sooo long and now to see real green grass is very good, besides the dogs can hardly wait to get onto the new grass! They have tried to sneak out a couple of times.

I went to the doctors on Friday and wanted to share with you where I am with everything. We started with a MRI, and just to share with you how amazing it is to get the MRI done and then we are able to look at it 30 minutes later. I have two small pieces of cancer that are there from the last surgery with one being in the empty hole and another at the base of my head. My doctor felt that it had not grown too much although he wants to get started with the chemo asap. So on I will start on Friday through an IV instead of the pills. I will only get one of the chemo's on Friday and on the 24th I should get both chemos. They are waiting on the 2nd one because the would has not healed enough to start one of them. I would love to tell you how I am overwhelmed at this whole thing, but that would be a total lie. I do believe that God has something for me to be, due, or accomplish before I get called to Him, although I know it is much different for my wife who will have to remain here without me. I really wish our situation was switched around but again believe that all we have to do is just accept that which God has for each of us as the thing that belongs in our future. And lastly a hung thanks to the wedding group who got married yesterday. I hope that this couple is able to have all the love that Hallie and I have been able to have for 17 years ( 24 years if you wanted to count all our dating time as well). Thanks everyone.

P.S. Hey everyone this is Hallie. I wanted share with those of you who may not know what my school is doing for us. On April 16th the staff is putting on a faculty follies and an auction. It is incredible the amount of talent that will be performing, the gifts that have donated and the time everyone has put into this event. Eric and I are as he would say overwhelmed! I have tickets( $5.00 each) if anyone is interested or you can get them at the door or from Chaparral doing school hours. If you would like more information you can go to TVUSD's website and look under events. http://www.tvusd.k12.ca.us/. Thank you for all your support! Again!

Aww for Heavens Sake

2009-03-30T22:18:00.000-07:00

Well just from the title I am sure that you all know what has happened, NOTHING. I left to meet with the doctor on Friday as I was supposed to have the removal of the little leaky area where the three places had needed an additional two weeks for full recovery. I had one head clip removed and that was it. Only 1 clip was cut. Well OK, I am sure that things will get better, even though my area on the side of my head is still too large from being swollen. Hallie and I met with doctor number two to get ready for my first chemo infusion which is now two weeks overdue only to find that we are waiting some more time. AHHHHHHH. You see there is a little (lot) of concern about how this section has remained swollen and leaking of CSF for almost the last six weeks. Well after a ton of questions we have all decided to go down there on Friday to get another MRI to see what is going on inside. There is talk that both of the doctors will inspect it out to see what is happening on the inside and from there we will make some decisions. It is so difficult to have your life planned and then have to put everything onto hold as you are not sure now what will be the thing that is recommended once the MRI data is seen. Oh well. I am a little frustrated but just wanted to share with you all what is on track for me. I know that God has something for me but sheesh I would love to know where we are going. Take care everyone.

A little note...

2009-03-25T21:57:00.000-07:00

Hey Everyone. I want to apologize about my big talk, but I have something happening tomorrow so I will make a hopefully interesting new bit of info, but I wanted to say "Oh My Gosh" for the little www.amw.com area. When I started this Monday I was at the rating of 151 out of 154. Sheesh I thought. Well I just got off the note to look and I am at 6th of 154. Wow!! Now I want to apologize to all those do don't feel like checking the vote to come together and place a vote, but it is unbelievable. I know there are 4 days left to be slid right out of my area, but gosh, being 6 is the best I have ever been. Anyway thanks again to you all who are voting daily for me in all those emails of your families and I hope I will have some very interesting info for tomorrow. Remember if you want the easy way it is at http://www.amw.com/allstar/2009/ . Catch you all soon. Eric

Just When You Thought It Was Going To Be Easy

2009-03-12T19:56:00.000-07:00

Hey everyone. Just like I said, when you thought it was going to be so easy, SHIFT. Anyway before I chat I just wanted to tell Heather, a family friend, that if there is anything that I can do to help your needs please just let me know. I'm not sure that I can actually do anything, but sometimes even just chatting is a great way to help. Now the story, amazing. I had my stitches all pulled on Monday and was so excited, giving me a few days to get everything ready to start my new chemo stuff on Friday. Well Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday all allowed me the opportunity to see that my head, now without the stitches, was having liquid fall from a hole. So I called the City of Hope and after several phone calls it was "come in right now." AWWWWWWWW. So off we went to have the doctors see why I was getting liquid out of my head. Well I think it as about the particular area had two stitches, not just one and had not properly joined, but it was a little difficult as I had this paper protecting my head waiting to be fixed. It was a little hard to tell you specifically as they started working, then left and used the phone, returned, and then left again for the phone. They seemed to make a mention that they just wanted to make sure that there would be no issues as we were going to start the chemo stuff. So ready to leave after I had been all re-sealed and then the next one was given to me, you need a PICC so that you can have some medicine for the next 5 days. A what? PICC? What the heck is that? Well now I know, I have a IV that will allow everything to be given to me. Sheesh. The quick info is that we are going to wait a little longer to make sure that my head has fixed itself before trying to teach me the new IV chemo stuff. Lastly just in case you forget the place to go to if you want to vote for me. I don't know how again it works, but I just wanted to give anyone who wants to vote daily for me an easy opportunity. http://www.amw.com/allstar/2009/ Thanks again. Also I just wanted you to see my amazing niece Morgan who is helping me take some more of this anti-stuff. Just a couple of more days to go!!

From Hunter to His Awsome Dad

2009-03-04T20:05:00.000-08:00

Hey Everyone! I hope all is going well for everyone. I just wanted to share a moment with you all. I had gotten this piece of paper after that last surgery from Hunter and placed it up on the wall. It wasn't until today that I really had the ability or need to read and enjoy it. I am pretty amazed that here is a nine year old boy who has been able to understand that things are probably not the best in the world, but they are exactly as God wants them to be for me. I just thought I would share this with you all. Have a great day and if you want keep voting, six more attempts to become one of the eight who might win!

Quick Message

2009-02-27T14:19:00.000-08:00

Hey Everyone. I hope all are doing well and fantastic. I got a strange email form Jen who is working with www.amw.com She said that many people are checking me out and not getting the vote properly done. I just wanted to put out there the "How to Do It" if you are so interested. First click on http://www.amw.com/allstar/2009/ then you will be able to search for "Botkin"under search all nominees. After my picture arrives you click the picture and it will then give you a bigger picture and the ability to vote. Click on the word vote, and you will be able to enter your email address and two words. When your finish that there is a area to check and then it says great, vote for Eric tomorrow, as you can only vote for me once a day. Anyway if this is something that interests you I just wanted to give you the easiest way to get it done. Again I don't know if I have enough to win as there are some horrific people but I just wanted to let those that wanted to know the way to get it done as easily as possible. Thanks to Everyone.

I'm Home!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2009-02-25T10:25:00.000-08:00

Hey Everyone! Let me start with a big wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeew. It is so nice to be home again. I would like to give each and every person at the City of Hope a great feeling by being a series of unbelievable Doctors, Nurses, And Cleaners, but you reach that point when you ready to leave. No more medicine, no more checks to see if you are ok, and well that is when I decide I am ready to go home. We got home on Sunday and were just trying to be normal. Just trying to be relaxed and working to get my head back on track. It seems like a lot, but it is just trying to be normal. I'm sure it will take me a while to get back into doing stuff, but I have to tell you I am very happy to be home. I am going to the doctors on Monday to have the sutures removed and then am waiting until March 13 to start my new medicine. Instead of pills, I have been shifted to IV Chemo. So I will enjoy 3 - 4 hours as the medicines work to start in me. Hey and as the last thought, I am on the web site called http://www.amw.com/. I have to tell you that this was really funny as the girl called me on Monday and wanted to ask me about joining the competition. I told her that I didn't know anything but sure. She told me that 65 people had tried to get me on board to see if I might win. Well lots of paper is completed and I am now there. To make this easy, if you want to vote for me, you can go to http://www.amw.com/allstar/2009/ place my name Botkin into the search area and will be able to vote for me. I don't really feel that I am so great but I want to give all those the opportunity to vote for me that wants too. While winning would be sure unbelievable, I just wanted to share it with you. And lastly I wanted to thank all the people who sent me cards. It is almost overwhelming to get everyones signature so thank you very much. It was really nice to take several moments and be able to read what everyone wrote to me. Thanks again to my RFD friends.