My Unknown Journey

A Week later....

noreply@blogger.com (Eric Botkin) — Mon, 04 Jan 2010 09:40:00 +0000

Well my license expired on my birthday and my husband is still gone. Being the wife of a firefighter there were occasions that Eric would be gone for several days or could be longer if on a wild fire. It almost seems like we are just waiting for him to return. Although I know this is not the case, the planning is in full swing and everything is coming together. Of course I only know this because my mom is keeping me posted on all the details and asking questions only when needed. The department and my mom have been working furiously on getting everything taken care of, so far there was only one small glitch but as always it seems to have worked out for the better. Some of you understand the grief I am in while others wonder why my mom is handling all the details. I put out the questions to those of you......How could I possibly? Why would I want to plan a funeral for the person whom I love the most? Not to mention I have a ten year old that needs my undivided attention. As I said before I feel like I am waiting for his return from work, if I plan a funeral than it must be real. So here it is 1:50 in the morning and I am not able to sleep, writing on Eric's blog, feeling some weird sort of catholic guilt about the funeral and wondering really how am I supposed to make decision about anything let alone finale farewell to the man I love the most.

So a BIG thank you to all of you who are putting in countless hours of planning and know that I am truly grateful for everything. To the RFD, my mom all all those involved I don't even know about. Thank you.

Update on service an stuff....

noreply@blogger.com (Eric Botkin) — Fri, 01 Jan 2010 04:21:00 +0000

Parking

There are two public pay parking structures and limited street pay parking in the area. The parking structures are located at:

13th Street and Lime Street

12th Street and Lemon Street

Condolences and Donations

In lieu of flowers, the Botkin family is requesting donations be made to the Eric Botkin Memorial Fund. This benevolent fund will provide assistance to City of Riverside Fire Department families experiencing hardships due to serious line-of-duty injuries or illnesses. Donations may be sent to:

The Eric Botkin Memorial Fund

c/o Riverside City Firefighters Association

PO Box 7817

Riverside, CA 92513-7817

Checks may be made payable to RCFA, with a note in the memo section of "Eric Botkin Memorial Fund".

The Funeral Information

noreply@blogger.com (Eric Botkin) — Wed, 30 Dec 2009 17:25:00 +0000

The services are set for Wednesday, January 6th, 2010 at 11:00 am. The procession will begin at 10:30. Parking is being worked on and I will get more info out at I learn more. The fire department is handling everything with help from my mom. Eric had the reverse flag ceremony this morning and is being cremated right now. The fire department will take his ashes back to his fire station where he will stay until the day of the service.

If you are coming from out of town and want to stay by the house I have a block of rooms at the Hampton Inn, the reservation is under Botkin.

28190 Jefferson Avenue, Temecula, California, USA 92590

Tel:951-506-2331 Fax:951-506-2332

Also in lue of flowers I am setting up a memorial fund with The City of Riverside Fire Department in Eric's name. I will get that info to you as soon as possible.

Church:

St Francis De Sales Catholic

4268 Lime Street

Riverside, CA 92501-3820

(951) 686-4004

www.stfrancisdesales

Reception Hall

The Grove Community Church

-19900 Grove Community Dr.

Riverside, CA 92508

(951) 571-9090 http://thegrove.cc/

Great Sadness!!

noreply@blogger.com (Eric Botkin) — Mon, 28 Dec 2009 07:01:00 +0000

Eric Carl Botkin

4-11-68 to 12-27-2009

Fought a tough fight against cancer

Passes away peacefully surrounded by family and friends

10:30 pm

Unhappy Birthday!

noreply@blogger.com (Eric Botkin) — Mon, 28 Dec 2009 05:19:00 +0000

Well as some of you know it is my 40th birthday today. I never thought that I would be going though something like this in my life let alone on my 40th birthday. Growing up my mom always made sure my birthday was special because it was so close to Christmas. As I sit to write this blog I wonder how the next 40 years could ever be special as I watch my husband die on my birthday. As we sit by his side, counting the seconds between breaths, watching his labored breathing and checking to see if he is warm enough. We have discussed things that I never thought I would have to discuss especially on my birthday. A representative is here from the Riverside fire (he happens to be a friend) in case he passes, they will be with him from now on. Everything is happening and I wish I could just hit pause.....

I think he will make it though the night but I will post as soon as I can. I know some of you are thinking ,she does not have to do this but for me it is a way to express myself and to give critical updates.

Love,

Hallie

A day I was not wanting....

noreply@blogger.com (Eric Botkin) — Sun, 27 Dec 2009 00:08:00 +0000

It is with great sadness that I post this update.....Last night Eric took a turn for the worst. He did not do very well on Christmas day...refusing to eat or take any pills. About 12am (the 26th) I had to call the hospice nurse and ask for some morphine and anti-anxiety medicine. His pain was so bad and his restlessness that he was moaning and rolling around in agony. He just does not setting into a peaceful place. I have been consistent with the medicine every 2 hours and so far it seems that he starts to get very restless just about the 2 hour mark. I knew this day would come but like everyone else I was hoping that it would never make it.

Thank you for all your prayers and thoughts.....Eric is surrounded by love and we ask for continued prayers for Eric to have peace and rest.

It's been a few days....

noreply@blogger.com (Eric Botkin) — Thu, 24 Dec 2009 01:04:00 +0000

Well I know the last post was a few days ago and some gentle reminding about this makes me come to the blog today to update and fill people in on the going's on in the Botkin house hold.

Eric-Well he continues to eat so this is a good sign. He sleeps most of the day, and likes me to be with him when I am home and really does not want me to leave the house. It makes him irritable . He is having more difficulty communicating which can be a challenge for me but almost impossible for anyone else. It seems as if he gets more restless in the evening hours so this makes it hard for me because I know this is not a good sign. He does not want to bathe, take his pills or do any kind of moving so it is a challenge to get him to do any of this. A little tough love from me or his sister gets him on the move. He often tells me no! no! no! but I really never listen anyhow so now is no different. I am feeling that he continues to decline but for today I believe that he is still fighting to be here and get though the holiday's.

Hunter- Well Hunter is on break from school for 2 week and is ready for Santa to visit. (hoping for one more year at least with that one). He is excited for Christmas even though we all this drama at home. I will have to say that it seems Hunter is handling all of this pretty well. He is a great kid and we are so lucky to have him.

Me-I have finished all the Christmas shopping and wrapping. Hunter was easy to shop for but as you can imagine Eric was a bit difficult. I took Hunter to the movies today and we saw Blindside. It was a great movie and nice to get out for a few hours. Eric was mad but it is also important that Hunter have some mommy time also. I have been wanting to see the movie and I am glad I did. So now it is time to get ready for Christmas.......

On a final note......I'm sure it is unimaginable having to go though the Christmas holiday with Eric being so sick. On one hand it is just awful but as I was thinking about the situation I realized that God has worked a miracle for us and for me. If Eric was in the situation any other time of the year I would be sitting here in our bedroom unable to leave just waiting for him to die. I know that sounds awful......but since Christmas is here and we have a ten year old it is a little difficult not to celebrate the holiday. Even though it just won't be the same I am excited because Hunter is excited. Today he received a letter from Santa and his eyes sparkled. This sparkle is what is helping me get though the holiday season. So please remember us on this very important day but celebrate the gift of Jesus and live though the sparkle of a child's eyes.

One more final note.....the picture that you see at the top of the blog is a charcoal drawing done by a friend of mine. I have attached her website.....her work is fantastic and her husband is the photographer who did our pictures. Such a blessing to have a piece of art like this a memory that will be forever treasured.

www.charcoalsbydawnmarie.com

Dawn Reza and Jim....

God bless & Merry Christmas,

Hallie

I hate this....

noreply@blogger.com (Eric Botkin) — Sat, 19 Dec 2009 23:23:00 +0000

I just hate this....I hate.....

.....telling people that Eric is not doing well

.....that Eric may not be aware of Christmas or my 40th Birthday

.....that I have to plan a funeral

.....that Eric will not be here for all the important events in Hunter's life

.....that his family lives in Arizona

.... that I did not feel like putting up ALL my Christmas decorations

..... that things are different

.....that Eric is not in our bed

.....that Eric is not getting out of bed

.....that people don't know what to say

.....that I have gained a lot of weight and just keep eating

.....that people make excuses for my weight gain because of the situation

.....that I have a 10 year old that may or may not understand the situation even though we have talked to him the whole time

.....that Hunter and I will never get to vacation with Eric again

.....that I have to think about a funeral

.....that the word funeral has the word FUN in it ...Really

.....that I have to be strong even when I don't want to be

....and that people tell me it's ok to cry......as if I don't know this

.....that we will never get to play rock band or guitar hero until midnight anymore

.....that Eric is not doing well and getting worse each day

.....that we can't go to the movies as a family together

.....that Disneyland will just not be the same with out Eric

.....that I have to live without Eric

.....that weird things make me cry especially in stores

.....that Eric will never get to see Burn Notice,Iron Chief America, or baseball games again

.....that we can't laugh for no reason

.....that Eric won't be here for me to complain to about anything

.....and that he can't give me advice

.....that I have to take care of the finances

.....that people feel sorry for me

.....that Eric will not be there to guide Hunter though all his man moments

.....that Eric would be able to watch hunter play baseball

.....that people tell me that Eric will always be here in spirit....it's just not the same

.....finally that Eric is dying and I can't fix it........

Another Day....

noreply@blogger.com (Eric Botkin) — Thu, 17 Dec 2009 05:43:00 +0000

I just wanted put put up a quick update about Eric and the going's on in the Botkin house. First off you can imagine the calls and visitors, it is nice to have so much support during this difficult time. Eric continues to fight each day with faith and a sense of humor, so sarcastic even when he fills yucky. He continues to make me laugh which of course helps me get though the day. No big changes in his condition except I found out today after 17 years of being married that he likes his feet massaged.....who know! Well maybe that's too much info.....Anyhow Hunter is finishing his last few days at school and getting ready to be off for 2 weeks. I hope Santa is good to him, he has way to much energy to not be busy when not in school. He can run circles around the best of us..... I have almost finished our Christmas cards.....what a job. I send 100+ cards out each year and it gets bigger each year. I should be finished soon and can check another thing off the to do list.

Finally I wanted to say great job to my students @ CHS for their beautiful chorus performance. I was able to sneak out for a few hours and I enjoyed watching them in all their glory. The standing "O" was fantastic and they all made me proud!

On the lighter side...

noreply@blogger.com (Eric Botkin) — Mon, 14 Dec 2009 20:20:00 +0000

Another reason the crank bed is no good....When Eric drops his toast and it falls onto the far side of the bed....I can raise the bed (automatically) so that our big dog Cece can clean up the fallen food. If I had to hand crank the bed Cece would still be staring at the toast.

Family and Friends

noreply@blogger.com (Eric Botkin) — Mon, 14 Dec 2009 05:53:00 +0000

Well it has been fun weekend with family and friends. First we celebrated Christmas with Eric's mom and family on Saturday (a usual tradition for us) and had lots of laughs while enjoying each others company. I am so blessed to have an in-law family that I enjoy spending time with. It certainly would make a difficult situation more stressful if we had troubled relations. Anyhow, it was great to share stories and memories of the past and we all had a few laughs. Eric was in good form for the festivities so it made the celebration all the better. Although I guess it really wore him out because he slept most of today which is a downer. He was so tired that he did not eat as well as I would have liked although he did eat the BIG bowl of ice cream which is his favorite part of the day.

As you can see from the picture Eric had a few visitors today. His friends from Fountain Valley High School. Neil from Washington, Mark and Scott from the O.C. (Dan also from Washington could not make it ). Eric was resting his eyes for most of the visit but as they reminisced of the good old days Eric would often sit up and laugh. It is so funny to see these men get together and enjoy each other as if they just got out of high school. Of course since I have been in Eric's life since the good old days I am familiar with the stories and the comedy that this group brings when they are together. It is not often that you have a group of male friends that stay together and continue to be friends some 20 years later. They truly are an awesome group of friends. Unfortunately it was probably the last time they will get together with Eric. For me the hardest part of the visit was the good bye because I felt as if I was saying goodbye to my friends also. Of course I know that these friends will continue to be in mine and Hunter's life later it just brought up emotions that I have not thought about as of yet. Eric's friends are really saying good forever not just until next time. Hope I did not make everyone cry.....but it was something that just needed to be said out loud.

Up's and Down's

noreply@blogger.com (Eric Botkin) — Sat, 12 Dec 2009 06:50:00 +0000

So it has been two days since I last posted something and each time I put something up I really want it to be that a miracle has occurred and Eric is on the way to recovery. Unfortunately that is not the case, Eric continues to decline, he is weaker by the day, eating less, communicating less and tonight he has moved into the hospital bed. I am not sure why he moved into the bed but it does not seem like a good thing. I have prepared myself for this moment but I was hoping that it would not be so soon. It is interesting to watch him go though this process, I have noticed a few things so just bare with me as I have not verbalized this before. 1st as I watch Eric's health decline it is almost as if he is reverting back to being a baby. Is this what it is like for anyone who goes though a health issue like this? He stopped walking, eating is a challenge, rest rooming issues, bathing ect. It is almost like a reversal of birth and living. Secondly I wonder if we innately prepare to die. Do we start to do things to prepare others or ourselves for the day. If anyone has ever had an animal get sick and die there is a process and it is as if they and you know what is happening. As I watch Eric it seems as if he is beginning to do things (like leaving our bed) to prepare me for what is to come. If nothing else it is yet another thing to think about and again something I never thought I would ever have to ponder.

The new bed...

noreply@blogger.com (Eric Botkin) — Thu, 10 Dec 2009 06:06:00 +0000

So we did get the new bed and it is much better than the first. (I will load pictures later) We decided thanks to all your help and information and of course Eric's wishes to put the bed upstairs. He is not currently using the bed and still feels comfortable in our bed so that is where he will stay until the time comes to have him in the hospital bed. I bought a small tree for the room and have converted it into a bedroom/family room/study room and have decorated it with a few Christmas items. It looks pretty good and it is clean!

Eric is doing about the same...sleeps alot but is still eating and drinking. He is able to socialize with visitors and just shuts his eyes if he gets tired. He told me today that he is just trying to make it until January 1, 2010. He knows his time is near and tells me that by holding up his finger and looking to the sky. I am not sure what he is looking at but he just says "not today but its getting close, maybe tomorrow". He also told my friend that he will see them on the other side but that he could not take them and they would just have to fight it our here. Although I can say this now (who knows about later)...There is some comfort in the fact that he is ready to go and knows that we will be ok here on earth. I am sure his faith in God and mine is what allows us to have the strength to get though. (remember I said it is easier to say this now and who know about later.)

Ok the bed is here!

noreply@blogger.com (Eric Botkin) — Tue, 08 Dec 2009 04:53:00 +0000

So the hospital bed finally arrived....I am not sure what hospital and what time period they stole the bed from but it is certainly not the hospital bed that he had at the City of Hope. Well we will have to see if this is the normal protocol. I don't know maybe people have never complained about the beds before but REALLY!!!! I guess they have never meet me before. I will keep you posted on the 1950 bed. So that being said once I find out about the bed situation I will have to move him down stairs. Once he is downstairs I know that he will never go upstairs again.....never sleep in our bed, never take a shower, never put his clothes on the floor and never complain that the 90 lbs puppy is on his feet. How do I move him downstairs? Is it really the right thing to do? Should I leave him upstairs but have him in the hospital bed? So many questions I hope that I can find the answer soon. That being said if anyone has any suggestions feel free to let me know.

Love,

Hallie

PS I have added picts of the bed...

What to say?

noreply@blogger.com (Eric Botkin) — Sun, 06 Dec 2009 23:32:00 +0000

Well I am sure that everyone wants updates but honestly I just don't know what to say.....Each day is a little harder for Eric and a little harder for me. To see the man you love become weaker each day is truly the worst thing that I have ever had to see. Eric spends about 80% of his day in bed sleeping, he needs help with all daily living skills except eating and he talks very little. Although he does still continue to make us laugh when he does say something. I think for the moment I am just getting by each day, going though the motions. I wish that I was as strong as Eric and had the same positive attitude but it seems almost impossible right now. As for Hunter he seems to be doing pretty good all things considered. He is a little more active than normal which for those of you who know him are probably wondering how that is possible but just to let you know it is. His teacher thinks that is the way for him to release his emotions and I tend to agree. Unfortunately Eric can't deal well with the commotion and energy and the rest of the family is sad so it makes it a bit more difficult for Hunter.

The pictures that I have posted are the finished pictures from the pillows that we made. They turned out just beautiful and we are so lucky to have them.

Not so Good......

noreply@blogger.com (Eric Botkin) — Fri, 04 Dec 2009 01:36:00 +0000

As I sit down to write the blog tonight I am not sure what to say, how do I tell people that the person who fills my life with joy is truly fighting for his life. This is the most difficult thing I have had to do so far and I am sure that in the future more difficult things are to come. We saw the Dr. today and she said the tumor seems to be winning and that the last chemo did not do it's job. At this point there is nothing else she is able to offer him and she felt it was time to call hospice. Eric's health has steadily been declining over the past few weeks. He needs help with everything, he is weaker everyday, he can't see out of his left eye and he is tired and tired of working so hard at living. How difficult it must be for him to have to come to this place. We are going to increase his steroid in hope that it will give him some of his abilities back by taking down the pressure and we are going to continue living our life in the moment.

Thank you for your continued support, prayers and words of encouragement it means the most to us and we could not get thought this without all of you and of course our faith in God and knowing that we are truly in His hand.

Love and God Bless,

Hallie

Friendship and Thanksgiving

noreply@blogger.com (Eric Botkin) — Sat, 28 Nov 2009 22:49:00 +0000

"May there always be work for your hands to do, may your purse always hold a coin or two. May the sun always shine on your windowpane, may a rainbow be certain to follow each rain. May the hand of a friend always be near you, may God fill your heart with gladness to cheer you."

- Irish Blessing

Eric and I are so blessed to have such a great family but today I want to talk about our friends. We a truly blessed and thankful to have the support of our friends that are in our lives. As you go though life you cross paths with many different people some will stay and others will go. My dad always said if you can count your friends on one hand than you were lucky.....I guess Eric and I are super lucky than. Over the last 2 years not only have we continued to have friends that we have known for a long time we have developed new friendships. These friendships have help sustain us though these very difficult times. The kind words, words of encouragement and faith and sometimes just the hugs have made us smile on the most difficult days. Today I just wanted to say thank you for all that you do for us. We are so lucky to have more friends than we could ever count on our hands!

Now on to Thanksgiving.....we had a wonderful time with famliy 22 in all (and 6 dogs) at our house. Eric was a good sport and did very well with all the commotion. He rested when needed and this helped him get thought the day. The food was wonderful and the company was better. Everybody brought something and helped the day go smoothly. I hope everyone else had a great Thanksgiving as well!

Finally, Eric continues to be about the same, no big changes on the health front. As the weeks have past he is more tired, and a little more weak. The tumor by his left eye continues to put more pressure on his eye making it difficult to see. He seems to have pain if he has a lot of sensory input (ie. Thanksgiving) but it passes. He is moving a little slower and needs more help around the house. If we get up and do things in the morning than he feels pretty good but once at home he gets very tired. Eric has commented on how hard this is and how hard the fight is right now. He is fighting to be here for Christmas and and my birthday so continue with the words of encouragement and the prayers. I know it is what gets me through and he needs it more now than ever.

Love and God Bless,

Hallie

P.S. This is one of the pictures that we took last week.

Some much to tell....

noreply@blogger.com (Eric Botkin) — Sun, 22 Nov 2009 02:33:00 +0000

OK OK......I know it has been a week without anything and it can be hard without an idea of what has been going on so here it goes......

1st- Update on Eric's condition-It seems as if the chemo may have slowed things down for a brief time. Eric had been about the same as far as movement, language, pain ect. Although over the last few days there have a few changes that have me a bit concerned, nothing drastic but changed nonetheless. He is having more pain in his right eye and having to take more pain medication, he is also having more difficulty seeing out of that eye. His words are more jumbled and when trying to tell me something it is very difficult for him to communicate. As he stated it sometimes I have words and sometimes I don't...It just sucks! He has been more sleepy and slow all around. I suppose things that I have expected but hoping for a longer delay. Although he still has a sense of humor because when I say something like I don't think things are going that well he says "What?" and gives me the thumbs up with his bad hand. Always the comedian!

2nd-On to the fun stuff...Disneyland! We went to the happiest place on earth and stayed at the Grand Californian (Eric has always wanted to stay there). I had the room decorated and surprised the boys it was wonderful. Eric wanted to see the Christmas lights and to spend time with family and we did just that. It was great for all, Eric's sister April and niece Morgan were there to help out and go on the big rides with Hunter and Eric and I enjoyed the people watching. I think the best time other than the room surprise was watching Fantasmic. Thanks to a Disney cast member we had a view of a life time, she put us in the dream makers sections and it was a dream. Of course I also enjoyed the "snowing" but Eric not so much.

3rd- On Thursday we all went to the City of Hope to work on a memory pillow with the family. Hunter missed another day of school as well as Morgan our niece. They have this really nice program for kids to make something with their sick family member and Morgan, Hunter and Eric made hand print pillow cases. It was a wonderful experience and everyone is so happy to have had the opportunity to make these sentimental pillows. As soon as they are finished I will post a picture of the pillow, they are beautiful. When you look at our family pillow you will notice that Eric, Hunter and my hand print makes a heart. I ask the gal if she had seen that before and she said "no" I guess it just goes to show how much love the 3 of us have and how connected we are.

I leave you with a request for continued prayers of strength and a miracle for miraculous healing. Each day that passes is truly a gift but a miracle would be the best gift of all.

"But those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength." Isaiah 40:31

All You Can Do....

noreply@blogger.com (Eric Botkin) — Sun, 15 Nov 2009 03:54:00 +0000

All you can do is all you can do and all you can do is enough.

Art Williams

Today I start the blog with a quote from Art Williams, it seems to be the quote if the week. Eric continues to have struggles with the movement of his right side and his language, although he is able to get out this quote and continues to live by it. Each day is a challenge for Eric but each day he comes to the challenge ready to do all he can and all he can do is just enough.

So a little update...Eric as mentioned continues to have right side weakness and difficulty speaking. He is able to communicate verbally it just takes him time to get out his thoughts and he needs to go slow. He is not having too much pain it seems only once in a while he needs to take another pain pill. Eric's appetite is hardy due to the steroids he is on for the swelling and he is a little more tired than usual. He continues to have a great sense of humor and continues to make us laugh.

As some of you know Eric's little sister has been with us the last week. It has been nice to have her here to help me and to help Eric. I think it was also important for her to be here for her big brother. Unfortunately back to Arizona she goes but it has been great while she was here. Eric's mom, dad, step mom, uncle, aunt, sister and niece were also here to spend a nice Saturday and Eric enjoyed all the laughter.

Now for us a little family get-a-way to the happiest place on earth........I will fill everyone in when we return.

God Bless and have a wonderful Saturday

Hope, Faith and Thanks.....

noreply@blogger.com (Eric Botkin) — Thu, 12 Nov 2009 02:53:00 +0000

As I chat with others about the situation and we talk of Eric and his continued hope, faith and thanks for all the God has given him it was bought to my attention that throughout his blog he has always talked of hope, faith and thanks. Even during this most difficult time he continues to hope for a miracle, has a faith that whatever is to happen is His will and is thankful for everything and everyone. It makes me proud to be his wife and know that he is the man that he is! Anyhow I just wanted everyone to know that even though he has difficulty talking nothing has changed in his spirit, beliefs and hopes.

Once you choose hope, anything's possible.
Christopher Reeve

News from the home front....

noreply@blogger.com (Eric Botkin) — Mon, 09 Nov 2009 05:04:00 +0000

Well it is Sunday and we have had a nice weekend.....Eric and I even had some alone time thanks to my parents. Eric is doing well, is able to communicate with me and a little to others.. His right side is not working well but he is a trooper and doing the best he can. He continues to have a feisty spirit and strong will! So it seems as if things are status quo for now....just the way we like it!

Hebrews 11:1
Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see.

THIS SUCKS!

noreply@blogger.com (Eric Botkin) — Sat, 07 Nov 2009 05:06:00 +0000

From the mouth of Eric.......THIS JUST SUCKS!!!!!!! I really don't think much else needs to be said!

News...Update...& Continued Prayers!

noreply@blogger.com (Eric Botkin) — Wed, 04 Nov 2009 04:51:00 +0000

Well I know that it has been a few weeks since Eric has lasted posted anything and it has been a very difficult few weeks here at the Botkin house. As you have figured out Eric is not writing this but his soul mate and life long partner Hallie. It has been difficult for me to come into the computer room and sit down and get the info that needs to be given. Eric finally told me tonight that he really needed something put on since it has been such a long time. I want to give everyone all the info so I will try and be as descriptive as possible to help answer questions that everyone will certainly have after this posting. So here goes.....

Oct 20th-Eric finds out that the tumor is back...not a good sign
Oct 21st-I talk to the Dr. and decide it is time for me to stay home(not working) an be with Eric, spending time and maybe a trip or 2 with the family.
Oct 22nd-Eric spoke with Neuro-surgeon and he said that surgery was not an option
Oct 24th-Eric had a seizure, droopy face can's talk.....last about 1 hour
Oct 25th Eric had 3 more seizures...same as Saturdays
Oct 26th- Eric woke up and can't talk at all...everything comes out wrong does not get better.
Oct 27th- increase medicine so swelling decreases..improved speech
Oct 27-30th- no changes in health..except talking more...meet with Dr. on Oct 29th....had new chemo.
Oct 31st-Eric woke up and the right side of his face was droopy.....can talk very well, or chew his food.
Nov 1st-Less speech, sleeping all day..not himself at all!
Nov 2nd- about the same...had to give a little tough love...
Nov 3rd (Today)- Woke up took a shower! talking to me more....to his mom a bit more...has trouble talking but is part of the conversation and interested in what is happening.

So as you can see things have changed almost daily. The Dr. tells Eric that she is not giving up but that we are at the end of our choices and there is not much else we can do if this chemo does not work. She has asked him some hard hitting questions and it has been a very emotional week for everyone. I ended up with strep throat and was out for a few days and Hunter by far seems to be doing the best in all of this. I am not sure were this leaves us other than in His hands. Eric's spirit seems to better today and so is his speech, it could have been the chemo that made everything crazy or it could be something else. All I know is that we will continue to hope and pray for a miracle and know that whatever happens it is in God's hands. So I leave you with this......

"So do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will bring it's own worries, today's trouble is enough for today."

Matthew 6:34

PS....I want to thank both our mothers for all there help over the last few days....I don't know I would have made it all happen without there support, love and help with the man (AKA Hunter).

Now Way!!!!

noreply@blogger.com (Eric Botkin) — Wed, 21 Oct 2009 04:31:00 +0000

Hey Everyone! Life is so funny. I know that some of you may now know it yet, but indeed, life is funny. I had just typed about the best day that I had for quite some time by just sharing with all my brothers an sisters, and now this. Over the last couple of days I had determined that the pain in my eye had moved from a little, to alot, to it never stops. Hoping that it would just go away, I waited a few days to find that my eye always hurt now with pain moving between a 3 to 7, never going away. I called my amazing Dr. and she said come in today and lets see what is going on in that head of yours. Well I have just arrived home with the news that the tumor thing in my head is bigger. Bigger to be a big challenge. I will have to wait to talk to the surgeon doctor to see if it is removable, but some are acting as if this may not be the case. Pretty overwhelming how I got to have a great moment last week offering my thanks to all my brothers and sisters and then thrown to start over in the amazing Eric Botkin issues. Pretty crazy. Well I am sure that I will have more leading us the the new solution, but I just wanted to share. Please don't get me wrong, I am extremely happy to still be here. While I am ready to keep working, I thought this little story was funny as nothing ever seems to go the way you have planned. Please continue to keep me in your prayers as it seems this battle is going to get a bit harder.
God Bless

What an Awsome Day!!

noreply@blogger.com (Eric Botkin) — Thu, 15 Oct 2009 01:55:00 +0000

Hey Everyone! First, I just wanted to apologize to everyone as I was mostly feeling really poor with my 2nd 6-week chemo plan. While I am not really sure how it is all working, I am still very happy for God to allow me to continue to be here. Hopefully it will go great again like last time, but we won't know until early November to be sure.

Today I wanted to tell everyone that occasionally you live your life greatly as you are blessed with another opportunity. One of those moments comes when you have the control and get to surprise everyone else. Whether it is a big deal or not, it is the moment of being the person that has been allowed to deliver a little something that will let everyone know you care. Today, it was me, the crazy brain cancer dude that got to deliver a little something and really enjoy the moment. I had taken on a great, and very long adventure with my old fire department, City of Riverside. I spent the day with Hallie and surprised my previous crews. We traveled to all the fire stations and dropped off a little something to say thanks for being a great group. I was very excited to be able to do this because the reality of it all is that some day in my life I would need to ask my brothers and sisters for more help. But today it was great to let them all know that I really have appreciated all their help. Thanks again, to all my amazing brothers and sisters of the City of Riverside. I do miss being their alot, but want you to all know that I really appreciate your help.

Lastly I needed to take another moment and say thanks to an amazing woman. My friend at the See's Candy here in Temecula she is AWESOME!! When I was there to look for a great item, she came over and really allowed me to pick out what I needed to be the best gift. There are many people in our work today that do alot of stuff, but very few move beyond the stuff and work with fantasticness (I know that fantasticness is wrong, but she was fantastic). So after a great long day of sharing with everyone, now I am ready for a long winter's nap, or something like that.

Take care everyone and God Bless.